I am sorry my words are bringing back bad memories.
I am not angry I am just losing my resolve to make this work at any cost.
I know what got me to the point of sex being a hollow and meaningless act. Every time the H and I would be arguing and he would be being mean all day but as soon as we got to the bedroom he would want sex even if we were not on speaking terms. Everytime he would rage in his jealousy and then want sex. Everytime I was sick with things like bronchitis or had broken ribs or just had a baby and he would want sex. And the pouting and the babish fits if I said no. I finally just took on the just do it concept. But ever single time I felt he overlooked me and my feelings or even well being and went for it. It took away from the meaning of sex in our relationship. There were times I almost felt like my body was being raped since my emotional needs did not matter.(and since I have been raped I think I am a fair judge on how it feels) It was a long cycle of this type of actions that got me into total LD behavior within this relationship.
Though I better understand the meaning of sex for him as a LL. And I have been able to let go of most of the resentment. I can not let go of the memories and of the way it made me feel as a person or how worthless it made me feel as a person.
I let this happen I am well aware of that. Sadly though even though I know I am a stronger person then him a smarter person then him when I am with him I feel like I am nothing. And his behaviors with or without intent reinforce this feeling within me. Simple things like his comment while I was in Ohio that he could not wait until I got home so we could have sex. Or that he thinks we have a good relationship except we don't have enough sex. They all reinforce this worthless feeling in me. I doubt they would have that effect in a better type of relationship.
I wanted to change my opinion of my H. I wanted to have a real sex life with him not just a hollow one. But as I told him it would take time to work on a new relationship. And within that time I would not need to feel pressured about sex to allow me the mind frame to work through the bed memories that I associate with sex with my H.
H is not strong enough to give me this. He does not understand.blah blah. Well I understand this the sad feelings my relationship register in me feed my depression. My depression is killing me spreading out into every aspect of me making me tired and feeling like I am hardly able to tread water. It is sink or swim time. I plan on swimming.
