Ended my post in a wierd place last night. Sorry but I had taken my meds and hmmm my mind went numb.
In a short version (lol we all know I am not good for that) my conversation with my H entailed alot of different things that I keep saying but he keeps not hearing so it seems. I told tell my H that right now I am not as worried about fixing us as I am about fixing me. H stated that he understands that my getting better is the most important thing for me.
The only real thing my H brought to the converstation was that it bothered him that I was gone a week and a half and I did not miss or think of him at all. And that it bothers him that I do not love him. I explained I did think about him but those thoughts made me sad. That we as is makes me sad. And that itself is a big red flag that we have major problems. I also explained to him that I do love him just not the way he professes to love me. It is more of a comfort love on my part. We also talked about the fact that my other issues like with my step dad and grandfather and so forth have play in all this unhappiness that surrounds me. And that his past behavior has reminded me so much of my step dads that the my feelings for the two have become emeshed. And I have to be truthful that just as I cannot change the way I feel about my step dad I am not sure I can change the way I feel about him. We talked about the fact that though this is unfair that he pays the price for both it goes both ways. I have been paying the price from the begining for his view of woman and his low self esteem. And that maybe when you take two poeple with issues and put them together it only creates a atmosphere that feeds those issues to the point it becomes unhealthy for both.
Yes I was the main speaker in this conversation. H said alot of his I don't understands and I don't knows. But at least it was all laid out there for once calmly. Will it change anything I don't really know. Again I have no blind faith left so it is more of a wait and see type thing. I feel terrible to have mad H so sad. No matter what hurting him is not my intent. But it all needed to be said.
Don't feel bad about making him sad. Sometimes you need to feel the pain as a catalyst for change. If my W had not dropped the "not in love with you" bomb I would not have been able to see how serious the sitch had gotten and wouldn't have tried to improve it, at least not at this level of effort. The fact that he got sad rather than angry sounds like a fairly big deal to me.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
I congratulate you on talking honestly with your H. I think the most honest ex-H and I ever were was during our separation. We had been together about 14 years, married 11. He was very sad during that time, very contrite and very confused. He didn't comprehend how I could "just be done." That situation wasn't fixable. After a flurry of change on his part he reverted to exactly the same guy he always was and has remained so for the last five years. Nevertheless, that brief period of honesty was part of what allowed me to heal from that R and is one of the reasons that I am not angry and bitter now. My point for you? Regardless of the ultimate end of this R your honesty is a good thing. You and your H may ride off into the sunset in the happy haze of a reinvigorated R. Can you envision that? Or you may shake hands, be glad for the happy times and go off into the sunset on separate horses? Is that easier to see? For either of these outcomes, some gut wrenching honesty and discussion has to happen. The scenario of continuing to live together, miserably or parting in a blaze of anger and continued enmity isn't worth sparing feelings in the short term.
You and your H may ride off into the sunset in the happy haze of a reinvigorated R. Can you envision that
Hope for it yes picture it no.
It has only been a few days since H's and my conversation. And already he is pushing and being nasty. Like every word spoke was all part of some game.
When he asked how long I was going to act like this I went numb. For two days I have been continually petted and this morning he asked me if I wanted to have sex.
Okay what part of I will not want to have sex until we improve our relationship and this is gonna take time. Was not clear? What part of I need to worry about me right now and my depression and not be pushed was not clear? What part of I know that it is not fair but it is what I need right now was not clear?
I thought it was all clear I thought for once he was listening to me. And was willing to do what was needed to work on us. Nope big resonding no!
Okay so the me sleeping in just my undies has got to go. Gonna have to dress for sleep from here on out. Dam pushing me a little further into the LD behavior instead of my behavior. I guess I will also need to start edge hugging again.
Or I can just say fust it and have sex with him when he bugs me again tonight since nothing is going to change. The only thing he is concentrating on is getting me to have sex not letting me get to a place where I want/can have good meaningful sex. So be it if that is all he wants he can have hollow sex served up right until I meet with a lawyer about a legal seperation and have him served with the papers. I said I was done with this marriage how it is. But I really see no changing it. I said that I am tired of being over looked but my H cannot see me in plan sight that would take him opening his eyes. So Karen to answer your question am I done. The answer will be yes I am done probably by tonight.
I am very sorry also. I really do know something of the pain you are experiencing. Who do you have who can emotionally support you - friends, family? I hate to think of you alone while dealing with all of this.
If y'all would be comfortable with it, I think it could be very helpful to both of you (and to us eavesdroppers) if Chrissy and HappyGiant could enter into a dialogue.
Luv, stop waiting for your H to change. It is unfair of you to ask him to be what he is not, just as it is unfair of him to ask of you to be what you are not.
Go sleep in another room.
OR
If he asks, and you are willing, make it about YOU. Take the lead, make it how YOU want it, and go for it.
Otherwise, speak up, be blunt, be clear... but make it about YOU and not HIM. YOU can't have sex. Not him. YOU are having the problem, NOT him. If you don't like the way things are going, CHANGE it. Take charge. If you can't handle that right now... no biggie... it's cool.... just say so... but DO something about it so he understands that you are actually HAVING a problem...
Conflict avoidance will do nothing but delay and prolong pain... AND multiply it.
It's hard seeing your pain and frustration over this. Hard to but try not to dwell on your feelings of hopelessness.
H is in very bad denial right now, judging from his sex comments. He truly does not realize where you are emotionally and mentally as he is shielding himself greatly from even thinking about the consequences. Part of him is convinced you are crying wolf IMO and that is doing an horrible disservice to his ability to empathize or listen.
It's not a slight on his character. He's a good guy who is unconsciously defaulting to self-protect and deny mode.
Gotta try and crack his walls. He is seeing, hearing, speaking no evil, in a manner of speaking. As I said a while ago, you write/express very well.
Put it all down on paper. He needs to have something in the event you separate to read and re-read. IMO it will hit him like an megaton nuke when he is all alone and wondering what the hell happened and why this suddenly seemed to come out of the blue...of course, which it didn't.
He's in an fog.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Thank you. Nothing really to be sorry about I think most people here knew all along this is the path I would end up walking. I just took the long way.
I am glad I found this forum 10 months ago I was filled with rage and hate and disgust and resentment towards my H. I now from people here have a better understanding of him. And can see I have issues of my own to work on. And even though I am dissapointed in his actions I am still not any of the above. I am just simply done with this marriage as is and he is not interested in working on it under my terms only his so poof be gone him.
Yeah if it was really that easy right.There is a lot to figure out still the house the kids who gets the lemonade maker and who gets the ice tea maker ect.
But for safety reasons I am not going to give him any clue what is going on until I can get to a lawyer and then see about a restraining order.
