Ended my post in a wierd place last night. Sorry but I had taken my meds and hmmm my mind went numb.
In a short version (lol we all know I am not good for that) my conversation with my H entailed alot of different things that I keep saying but he keeps not hearing so it seems. I told tell my H that right now I am not as worried about fixing us as I am about fixing me. H stated that he understands that my getting better is the most important thing for me.
The only real thing my H brought to the converstation was that it bothered him that I was gone a week and a half and I did not miss or think of him at all. And that it bothers him that I do not love him. I explained I did think about him but those thoughts made me sad. That we as is makes me sad. And that itself is a big red flag that we have major problems. I also explained to him that I do love him just not the way he professes to love me. It is more of a comfort love on my part. We also talked about the fact that my other issues like with my step dad and grandfather and so forth have play in all this unhappiness that surrounds me. And that his past behavior has reminded me so much of my step dads that the my feelings for the two have become emeshed. And I have to be truthful that just as I cannot change the way I feel about my step dad I am not sure I can change the way I feel about him. We talked about the fact that though this is unfair that he pays the price for both it goes both ways. I have been paying the price from the begining for his view of woman and his low self esteem. And that maybe when you take two poeple with issues and put them together it only creates a atmosphere that feeds those issues to the point it becomes unhealthy for both.
Yes I was the main speaker in this conversation. H said alot of his I don't understands and I don't knows. But at least it was all laid out there for once calmly. Will it change anything I don't really know. Again I have no blind faith left so it is more of a wait and see type thing. I feel terrible to have mad H so sad. No matter what hurting him is not my intent. But it all needed to be said.
