I don't think I have posted to you yet. Sorry to see you here. I have some thoughts.
Quote: My H is very apologetic, but it makes no difference now.
Well, with all due respect to your feelings right now, it actually DOES make a difference. No, it won't make you feel better right now, and I think that's what you are referring to when you say it makes no difference, but it does show that should you be able to overcome the shock, pain and despair of this thing, you have someone willing to at least try to make amends. A lot of us here would KILL for that to be the case with our S's. I am not trying to get you to forgive him or go easy on him, I am just pointing out that the alternative, which we see here so often, is a WAS who just doesn't give a damn. Trust me, if that were the case with your H, you would have a whole other set of intense feelings to deal with. What you are going through is not in any way less intense than what I am describing but it is different than a lot of cases here. Just something for you to think about if and when your emotions calm a bit. Take your time with that.
Quote: It hunts me! He disrespected me on the deepest level. He showed me that I mean nothing to him. He can say that he loves me until he is blue in the face, it does not make me believe him anymore-- Love does not hurt others.
Again, with ALL DUE RESPECT (and I mean that) to your feelings right now, which are totally natural and understandable, this is NOT about you. This is not about you or how he respects or doesn't respect you or your marriage. This about him and something he felt he wanted/needed to do for himself. Most books on the subject will tell you the same thing. While an affair hurts deeper than most anything else, in the end, it is only part of the problem that needs to be addressed if and when a marriage is to survive it.
The more we cling to this idea that somehow it was the ultimate betrayal, the harder it is to get to a place where we can forgive and move on, either with repairing the damaged marriage OR alone to pursue a new life without H.
As for Love not hurting others, I think your heart is in the right place with that idea but it's a little naive. Love can hurt more than anything else I know of. I don't mean to play semantics games with you but I think you are dangerously close to thinking of love in the idyllic way most WAS's do, as this blissful state of everlasting happiness. Love in marriage love is simply not that. It is more about mutual desire and ability to meet each other's needs than a euphoric state of being.
Quote: He tried talking to me last night, so that "he could take some of the pain", and all I wanted to do is to tear him into pieces, to humiliate him and to hurt him... Don't worry, I overcame the urge.
GREAT for you. Overcoming urges is one of the hardest things to do and a HUGE part of detaching/moving forward.
As far as him trying to talk to you, let him. Maybe he will surprise you. Then again, maybe not.
Quote: And can you believe I feel this way about a man who was the best in the whole world about six weeks ago. HE WAS IT! He was loving, caring, attentive. We had our differences of course, but who doesn't? We worked on them. We never screamed at each other, never yelled, never abused each other emotionally or in any other way. Our emotional and physical intimacy was great. I woke up every morning being happy that I woke up next to him
So says you. You paint a WONDERFUL picture of a somewhat perfect marriage, the kind which, if truly that good for BOTH of you, people rarely stray from. What I am saying is that how SURE are you that things were really that good for him? I know YOU felt like you did everything right, but often we do the things in a loving relationship that we want done to us, often without really understanding that what seems loving and wonderful to us is not necessarily to our partner. One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to understand our partner so much that we do for them what THEY need/want, not what WE need/want. In turn, communicating OUR needs is equally important.
Look, I know a lot of this is not applicable to you right now because of how you feel. Lets just say that maybe things were not as you think they were. It doesn't let him off the hook in any way but IF you are ever to get to the point where you reconcile, and I'm not saying you want to or will, then you will have to start looking at yourself AND the marriage to see what maybe could be done better.
Quote: It makes me mad, because I never even thought of being with anyone else, never been attracted to anyone. When my H came around and started to pursue me I contemplated for a long time before I let my guard down long enough to love him. It makes me mad, because I am a "good girl" and did everything to keep him happy. I would lay my life down for him, even now. It is just not fair.
Me neither. I was and am truly committed to my w. So much so that it made her feel like she was bearing the full weight of the responsibility to make me happy. I focused my entire life on this woman. I gave her everything I had to give and she took all that and gave it to another man! Well, you know what, I gave her all I wanted to give, and in the end, it seems like I smothered her. I was totally codependent and relied on her for my entire emotional well-being. When I started to not be as happy, of course that reflected on her and my attitude changed towards her. Even though she NEVER showed how much this emotional burden weighed on her, it did to the point where she had to get away. Well, she did, into the arms of another man.
It sounds like I am condoning what she did. I am not. I have forgiven my W because I want to move forward with my marriage and I know this ordeal was just a part of life that should we stay together we will HAVE to deal with and that means more than her kissing my a$$ and me acting hurt for the next couple years. It means exploring the WHY's of this thing beyond the betrayal and pain.
Quote:
I am glad that I can vent here. I would never tell anyone around me that my H cheated on me. It will not make the situation any better, it will not help me or him. I hate when people feel sorry for me. It feels bad enough that there are a couple of people out there that know what happened--our counselor, our pastor and a person that the pastor asked to pray for my emotional well-being. It disgusts me to know that someone knows. I know that I should not feel ashamed but I do.
From all this I get that you SEEM to be almost as upset at the social embarrassment you are facing as the personal trauma it represents. In any event, I think it's a very good idea to limit the number of people that know. You're right, it won't help to have 20 voices in your head telling this that and the other thing.
Quote: Yesterday was our anniversary. A couple of months ago I had plans to go back to the place where we stayed for our honeymoon. Instead I spent it by myself--H was at work and did not get home until late. When I got home I saw that he bought me flowers, etc. All I wanted to do is to break them and throw in the trash. It took a lot of strength not to do it. Although, I think I should have...
That must have hurt, to go through a special day like that alone. Sorry for that. Again, he does seem to be trying and that's a good thing, even if you don't think so right now.
Quote: I am glad that I can vent without being known. And even this still bothers me because I have to admit that it happened to me.
This is as harsh as I get...stop playing the victim in all this. It DIDN'T just "happen" to you. The longer you keep thinking that way, the more things will "happen" to you. Thinking like that makes it impossible to think you can affect the future course of your marriage and R with H should you decide you want to because you feel powerless to do so. I AM NOT blaming you for what happened, merely making you take responsibility for being in a marriage that for whatever reason is not working right now. Blame it all on the affair, whatever, but at the end of the day you will be left with either a repaired marriage or a failed one, both outcomes you will have played a significant role in.
I know it hurts, believe me I do. It hurts to find out, to live the days following, to see them, to hear them talk, to breathe, everything. It just hurts. I know, but it will fade somewhat and then you will have to start taking stock and decide what to do. It's at that point when all this may mean something to you. Until then, please take care of yourself and keep posting. We will be watching and ready to help.
