Oh, I do not blame myself for any of this! I gave this marriage more than a 100%--I have it my whole life and being. Literally, I made a point to be a loving, encouraging wife, never nagged, never compained; if I had a problem I would discuss it. I made it easy for him to love me back. I did not expect for him to guess what I wanted, I let him know. I did not expect to have a fairy tale wedding and for him to be the prince charming. I knew that we are real people in the real world.
Hajani, I feel like what you said--I miss my husband, but I do not even know who this man is. I miss the man that treated me well up until six weeks ago and that admired and loved me, comforted me, etc. I cannot recognize the same person in the man who, knowing how much pain it was going to cause, went out and commited an affair (I don't even like calling it that--he cheated on me, he betrayed me!).
I am reading, but I am tired of reading. Why do I have to go through this hell not even given the chance to choose whether I want to be here or not. He did not ask me if he can hurt me, but now he is trying to help me heal?! That is a whole bunch of BS, that is what it is. I tell him that had he not done what he had done, we would not be in this situation, trying to "heal" my emotions, rebuild trust, etc. I am not even sure that I want to heal my emotions or to rebuild trust, because I do not want to be vulnarable again, trusting the man that hurt me, and loving him even though he does not deserve any of this... Although, I guess that is what love is--loving someone even though they do not deserve it. But that is different kind of love, love that does not cheat on you...
I don't let him run my life, but I guess his actions have done it and I am still trying to figure out how to live with it. Damn every cheater out there and every OM and OW that know or that should know that they are hurting someone else by being with their H or a W.
