I am trying to make it through another day. I found it very hard to even type what I feel, because by doing so I am admitting that I was cheated on and that hurts. It creates a history, a proof.
My H is very apologetic, but it makes no difference now. Why do I have to face the decision of forgiving him when I had no decision in him hurting me? It hunts me! He disrespected me on the deepest level. He showed me that I mean nothing to him. He can say that he loves me until he is blue in the face, it does not make me believe him anymore-- Love does not hurt others. And that is all that there is to it. For him to get out there and screw our marriage like that and then tell me that he is sorry and that he loves me... it's a whole bunch of BS.
He tried talking to me last night, so that "he could take some of the pain", and all I wanted to do is to tear him into pieces, to humiliate him and to hurt him... Don't worry, I overcame the urge.
At first, when I found out about this, I felt pain and I still wanted the closeness that we had, but by now I don't want him to even touch me. There are moments that I feel that he is worse than the scum on my shoes. And can you believe I feel this way about a man who was the best in the whole world about six weeks ago. HE WAS IT! He was loving, caring, attentive. We had our differences of course, but who doesn't? We worked on them. We never screamed at each other, never yelled, never abused each other emotionally or in any other way. Our emotional and physical intimacy was great. I woke up every morning being happy that I woke up next to him... And now... now I do not want him to even touch me. If he tries to hold my hand I withdraw it and move away from him. I let him hold me for a split second but then the reality hits me and I abhore him.
It is not easy to admit to this. I thought that I would never experience this kind of pain in my life. Betrayal was not an option. And that is was this is.
It makes me mad, because I never even thought of being with anyone else, never been attracted to anyone. When my H came around and started to pursue me I contemplated for a long time before I let my guard down long enough to love him. It makes me mad, because I am a "good girl" and did everything to keep him happy. I would lay my life down for him, even now. It is just not fair.
I am glad that I can vent here. I would never tell anyone around me that my H cheated on me. It will not make the situation any better, it will not help me or him. I hate when people feel sorry for me. It feels bad enough that there are a couple of people out there that know what happened--our councelor, our pastor and a person that the pastor asked to pray for my emotional well-being. It disgusts me to know that someone knows. I know that I should not feel ashamed but I do.
Yesterday was our anniversary. A couple of months ago I had plans to go back to the place where we stayed for our honeymoon. Instead I spent it by myself--H was at work and did not get home until late. When I got home I saw that he bought me flowers, etc. All I wanted to do is to break them and throw in the trash. It took a lot of strength not to do it. Although, I think I should have...
I am glad that I can vent without being known. And even this still bothers me because I have to admit that it happened to me.
