Today is our wedding anniversary and it should be a happy day, but I am miserable.
About four weeks ago my husband confessed to cheating on me. It happened ONLY two weeks after my father's funeral, when I needed him the most.
He is begging me for forgivenss and wants me to stay if I can. I don't know what to do!
We had a good marriage. We had love, trust, respect. We did not drift apart one from another. I feel like the rug was pulled from under me. When I was getting married I was getting married for life. I had an example of my parents who were married for over 50 years. I knew that we would have to make adjustments and it is not going to be easy at times, but I knew that I was not going to be a woman who would ever say: "I was cheated on."
I feel anger, hurt, shame, helplessness. I loved him so much that this pain is unbearable. I am still at a point where I cannot even make a decision whether to stay or go. I am in a stupor like state and don't know what to do. I want to leave, but can't make myself yet, because I had not planned my life to be this way.
I am very sorry you are going through all of this right now.
Listen, everything I have read about the recovery from an affairs sayd it takes time, alot of time. The emotions you are feeling right now are very normal.
Do you have an IC you are seeing? or are You and your H in MC.
Quote: I am still at a point where I cannot even make a decision whether to stay or go. I am in a stupor like state and don't know what to do
I understand, don't pressure yourself into making any decisions right now. You are not in a state of mind to be making life altering Choices.
Come here often and post, I know there are some very wise people around here that can help you better than I can right now.
Hi, I am sorry that you are going through this. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. Just let yourself feel what you need to feel (anger, hurt, sadness, etc.), and then start looking, clinically, at what your options are. You are one of the 'lucky' ones, in that your H wants your forgiveness, and wants to work on the M.
Your H has broken your trust in him, and he is going to have to work on regaining it back. It's his responsibility, not yours. Your responsibility, is to decide whether you want to work on the M or not.
When I discovered my H's EA, I knew I had the option to stay or leave. So, I explored leaving - I went to a lawyer to find out what my rights were, the cost involved, etc., I went to see a C just to talk through the scenario of confronting him, and the possibility of leaving (and all the stuff that entails, like the children, financial stuff, where to live, etc.). Then, I looked at the option of staying, and the steps I would need to take in order to get to the point of being contently M. It's been quite a ride, but I am glad that I chose to stay and work it out. We have been married 20 years (plus I still loved him very much), so I didn't want to throw all those years away. Finally, whether you choose to stay or leave, you will have to also make the choice to forgive or not. I would choose forgiveness, more for your own sanity, then his. Just remember, what he did was loathsome, but he is human, and try not to define him by his one stupid action.
Anyway, just my humble opinion, and hope some of it helps you get through this initial period of shock. Good luck, and I will be thinking of ya.
PS You didn't say why he told you.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thank you for sharing your emotions and opinions, as well as your pain.
My H told me because I noticed that something was different. He started to avoid inimacy, etc. One night we were going to bed and I was trying to talk to him. Normally he is there--listening. That night he just tried to rush me to turn the lights off and go to sleep. I started to press and finally asked him if he was unfaithful to me. That is the reason he told me. But I also know that he would have been able to hide it for much longer, because our whole marriage was based on trust and he knew that I require complete honesty.
He told me it was a one time thing with a prostitute--but that does not make things better or easier. First I was just in pain and shock. Then, I was trying to numb myself not to feel. Now I am simply mad. If I were to make a decision today I would hurt him physically and make him leave.
I don't think that I am lucky that he is remorseful--it is too late to feel bad for what he did to me and to us. He should have felt this way before this happened that way I would not be faced with a decision.
As of now, I told him that while I am trying to sort things out, I will see how he will show me that he is changing things and taking responsibility. He asked me to go to counseling with him, to which I agreed only becuase I want to see how persistant he is going to be on fixing this and how serious he is about making our marriage work. Meanwhile I am still contemlating. And I am very angry this week, especially today on our anniversary.
If I decide to leave I know that it is going to be painful, but I know that it will be even more painful to stay, because if I stay I will need to forgive him, but now I do not feel like forgiving or even trying to start on healing.
Give yourself some time. You are going through a phase, and I would advise that you not take any action until you are past the anger. We all make mistakes, and your H made a doozy of a mistake, and it is unacceptable what he did, but you will need to forgive him whether you stay or not. For your own sake, more than for his sake. Do not burden yourself with this anger for too long - it's just not worth it. I have seen what it can do to a person - a friend of mine is still angry 10 years after the A - still married to her H, but she has allowed the anger to fester, and it changed who she was. Not a pretty sight to see, and very sad. I know someone else who divorced her H because of an A, and is still angry with him, years later, and it has affected the whole family. They have to find ways to have both at functions, but at different times - it's absolutely ridiculous. So! Try not to stay angry, but understand it is perfectly normal to feel it.
Ultimately, the choice is yours, but be sure it is really what you want. It sounds like your H is a good man who made a stupid mistake. I wouldn't normally advocate for a cheater, but I just get that impression about your H.
And when I say you are 'lucky' he is remorseful, then I mean that many of the WAS's on this site never get to that point of feeling any remorse for what they've done to their spouses. Does that mean what your H did is okay? Heck NO!
Hope it works out for you. And please, understand that this is all just opinion based on what you have shared with us, so I hope I haven't offended you in any way. This is one place where you can know that we know how you feel.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I am trying to make it through another day. I found it very hard to even type what I feel, because by doing so I am admitting that I was cheated on and that hurts. It creates a history, a proof.
My H is very apologetic, but it makes no difference now. Why do I have to face the decision of forgiving him when I had no decision in him hurting me? It hunts me! He disrespected me on the deepest level. He showed me that I mean nothing to him. He can say that he loves me until he is blue in the face, it does not make me believe him anymore-- Love does not hurt others. And that is all that there is to it. For him to get out there and screw our marriage like that and then tell me that he is sorry and that he loves me... it's a whole bunch of BS.
He tried talking to me last night, so that "he could take some of the pain", and all I wanted to do is to tear him into pieces, to humiliate him and to hurt him... Don't worry, I overcame the urge.
At first, when I found out about this, I felt pain and I still wanted the closeness that we had, but by now I don't want him to even touch me. There are moments that I feel that he is worse than the scum on my shoes. And can you believe I feel this way about a man who was the best in the whole world about six weeks ago. HE WAS IT! He was loving, caring, attentive. We had our differences of course, but who doesn't? We worked on them. We never screamed at each other, never yelled, never abused each other emotionally or in any other way. Our emotional and physical intimacy was great. I woke up every morning being happy that I woke up next to him... And now... now I do not want him to even touch me. If he tries to hold my hand I withdraw it and move away from him. I let him hold me for a split second but then the reality hits me and I abhore him.
It is not easy to admit to this. I thought that I would never experience this kind of pain in my life. Betrayal was not an option. And that is was this is.
It makes me mad, because I never even thought of being with anyone else, never been attracted to anyone. When my H came around and started to pursue me I contemplated for a long time before I let my guard down long enough to love him. It makes me mad, because I am a "good girl" and did everything to keep him happy. I would lay my life down for him, even now. It is just not fair.
I am glad that I can vent here. I would never tell anyone around me that my H cheated on me. It will not make the situation any better, it will not help me or him. I hate when people feel sorry for me. It feels bad enough that there are a couple of people out there that know what happened--our councelor, our pastor and a person that the pastor asked to pray for my emotional well-being. It disgusts me to know that someone knows. I know that I should not feel ashamed but I do.
Yesterday was our anniversary. A couple of months ago I had plans to go back to the place where we stayed for our honeymoon. Instead I spent it by myself--H was at work and did not get home until late. When I got home I saw that he bought me flowers, etc. All I wanted to do is to break them and throw in the trash. It took a lot of strength not to do it. Although, I think I should have...
I am glad that I can vent without being known. And even this still bothers me because I have to admit that it happened to me.
I am sorry that you have joined our club. I just found out last week after 12 weeks of separation. But you know what...I am still alive. I have just come to the realization that this is not ONLY my fault. Yes, marriage takes work and maybe I didn't give 100% for whatever reason, but now I am taking care of me and the kids because there is nothing I can make him do. The only person I have Control over and who can control my happiness is me. Whoever this man is, he is not the man I married. I miss my husband, but no this man.
Keep you chin up. Love and Laugh. No matter what your destiny is, you will be a richer person..either a better marriage or a better future.
My other advice...read read read! There are so many books out there that have helped me, but on the same hand...there are also days that I completely take a vacation day from my "husband". You have a decision every day when you wake up...are you going to let him try to control you or are you going to take control?
Oh, I do not blame myself for any of this! I gave this marriage more than a 100%--I have it my whole life and being. Literally, I made a point to be a loving, encouraging wife, never nagged, never compained; if I had a problem I would discuss it. I made it easy for him to love me back. I did not expect for him to guess what I wanted, I let him know. I did not expect to have a fairy tale wedding and for him to be the prince charming. I knew that we are real people in the real world.
Hajani, I feel like what you said--I miss my husband, but I do not even know who this man is. I miss the man that treated me well up until six weeks ago and that admired and loved me, comforted me, etc. I cannot recognize the same person in the man who, knowing how much pain it was going to cause, went out and commited an affair (I don't even like calling it that--he cheated on me, he betrayed me!).
I am reading, but I am tired of reading. Why do I have to go through this hell not even given the chance to choose whether I want to be here or not. He did not ask me if he can hurt me, but now he is trying to help me heal?! That is a whole bunch of BS, that is what it is. I tell him that had he not done what he had done, we would not be in this situation, trying to "heal" my emotions, rebuild trust, etc. I am not even sure that I want to heal my emotions or to rebuild trust, because I do not want to be vulnarable again, trusting the man that hurt me, and loving him even though he does not deserve any of this... Although, I guess that is what love is--loving someone even though they do not deserve it. But that is different kind of love, love that does not cheat on you...
I don't let him run my life, but I guess his actions have done it and I am still trying to figure out how to live with it. Damn every cheater out there and every OM and OW that know or that should know that they are hurting someone else by being with their H or a W.
I don't think I have posted to you yet. Sorry to see you here. I have some thoughts.
Quote: My H is very apologetic, but it makes no difference now.
Well, with all due respect to your feelings right now, it actually DOES make a difference. No, it won't make you feel better right now, and I think that's what you are referring to when you say it makes no difference, but it does show that should you be able to overcome the shock, pain and despair of this thing, you have someone willing to at least try to make amends. A lot of us here would KILL for that to be the case with our S's. I am not trying to get you to forgive him or go easy on him, I am just pointing out that the alternative, which we see here so often, is a WAS who just doesn't give a damn. Trust me, if that were the case with your H, you would have a whole other set of intense feelings to deal with. What you are going through is not in any way less intense than what I am describing but it is different than a lot of cases here. Just something for you to think about if and when your emotions calm a bit. Take your time with that.
Quote: It hunts me! He disrespected me on the deepest level. He showed me that I mean nothing to him. He can say that he loves me until he is blue in the face, it does not make me believe him anymore-- Love does not hurt others.
Again, with ALL DUE RESPECT (and I mean that) to your feelings right now, which are totally natural and understandable, this is NOT about you. This is not about you or how he respects or doesn't respect you or your marriage. This about him and something he felt he wanted/needed to do for himself. Most books on the subject will tell you the same thing. While an affair hurts deeper than most anything else, in the end, it is only part of the problem that needs to be addressed if and when a marriage is to survive it.
The more we cling to this idea that somehow it was the ultimate betrayal, the harder it is to get to a place where we can forgive and move on, either with repairing the damaged marriage OR alone to pursue a new life without H.
As for Love not hurting others, I think your heart is in the right place with that idea but it's a little naive. Love can hurt more than anything else I know of. I don't mean to play semantics games with you but I think you are dangerously close to thinking of love in the idyllic way most WAS's do, as this blissful state of everlasting happiness. Love in marriage love is simply not that. It is more about mutual desire and ability to meet each other's needs than a euphoric state of being.
Quote: He tried talking to me last night, so that "he could take some of the pain", and all I wanted to do is to tear him into pieces, to humiliate him and to hurt him... Don't worry, I overcame the urge.
GREAT for you. Overcoming urges is one of the hardest things to do and a HUGE part of detaching/moving forward.
As far as him trying to talk to you, let him. Maybe he will surprise you. Then again, maybe not.
Quote: And can you believe I feel this way about a man who was the best in the whole world about six weeks ago. HE WAS IT! He was loving, caring, attentive. We had our differences of course, but who doesn't? We worked on them. We never screamed at each other, never yelled, never abused each other emotionally or in any other way. Our emotional and physical intimacy was great. I woke up every morning being happy that I woke up next to him
So says you. You paint a WONDERFUL picture of a somewhat perfect marriage, the kind which, if truly that good for BOTH of you, people rarely stray from. What I am saying is that how SURE are you that things were really that good for him? I know YOU felt like you did everything right, but often we do the things in a loving relationship that we want done to us, often without really understanding that what seems loving and wonderful to us is not necessarily to our partner. One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to understand our partner so much that we do for them what THEY need/want, not what WE need/want. In turn, communicating OUR needs is equally important.
Look, I know a lot of this is not applicable to you right now because of how you feel. Lets just say that maybe things were not as you think they were. It doesn't let him off the hook in any way but IF you are ever to get to the point where you reconcile, and I'm not saying you want to or will, then you will have to start looking at yourself AND the marriage to see what maybe could be done better.
Quote: It makes me mad, because I never even thought of being with anyone else, never been attracted to anyone. When my H came around and started to pursue me I contemplated for a long time before I let my guard down long enough to love him. It makes me mad, because I am a "good girl" and did everything to keep him happy. I would lay my life down for him, even now. It is just not fair.
Me neither. I was and am truly committed to my w. So much so that it made her feel like she was bearing the full weight of the responsibility to make me happy. I focused my entire life on this woman. I gave her everything I had to give and she took all that and gave it to another man! Well, you know what, I gave her all I wanted to give, and in the end, it seems like I smothered her. I was totally codependent and relied on her for my entire emotional well-being. When I started to not be as happy, of course that reflected on her and my attitude changed towards her. Even though she NEVER showed how much this emotional burden weighed on her, it did to the point where she had to get away. Well, she did, into the arms of another man.
It sounds like I am condoning what she did. I am not. I have forgiven my W because I want to move forward with my marriage and I know this ordeal was just a part of life that should we stay together we will HAVE to deal with and that means more than her kissing my a$$ and me acting hurt for the next couple years. It means exploring the WHY's of this thing beyond the betrayal and pain.
Quote:
I am glad that I can vent here. I would never tell anyone around me that my H cheated on me. It will not make the situation any better, it will not help me or him. I hate when people feel sorry for me. It feels bad enough that there are a couple of people out there that know what happened--our counselor, our pastor and a person that the pastor asked to pray for my emotional well-being. It disgusts me to know that someone knows. I know that I should not feel ashamed but I do.
From all this I get that you SEEM to be almost as upset at the social embarrassment you are facing as the personal trauma it represents. In any event, I think it's a very good idea to limit the number of people that know. You're right, it won't help to have 20 voices in your head telling this that and the other thing.
Quote: Yesterday was our anniversary. A couple of months ago I had plans to go back to the place where we stayed for our honeymoon. Instead I spent it by myself--H was at work and did not get home until late. When I got home I saw that he bought me flowers, etc. All I wanted to do is to break them and throw in the trash. It took a lot of strength not to do it. Although, I think I should have...
That must have hurt, to go through a special day like that alone. Sorry for that. Again, he does seem to be trying and that's a good thing, even if you don't think so right now.
Quote: I am glad that I can vent without being known. And even this still bothers me because I have to admit that it happened to me.
This is as harsh as I get...stop playing the victim in all this. It DIDN'T just "happen" to you. The longer you keep thinking that way, the more things will "happen" to you. Thinking like that makes it impossible to think you can affect the future course of your marriage and R with H should you decide you want to because you feel powerless to do so. I AM NOT blaming you for what happened, merely making you take responsibility for being in a marriage that for whatever reason is not working right now. Blame it all on the affair, whatever, but at the end of the day you will be left with either a repaired marriage or a failed one, both outcomes you will have played a significant role in.
I know it hurts, believe me I do. It hurts to find out, to live the days following, to see them, to hear them talk, to breathe, everything. It just hurts. I know, but it will fade somewhat and then you will have to start taking stock and decide what to do. It's at that point when all this may mean something to you. Until then, please take care of yourself and keep posting. We will be watching and ready to help.
Quote: Oh, I do not blame myself for any of this! I gave this marriage more than a 100%--I have it my whole life and being. Literally, I made a point to be a loving, encouraging wife, never nagged, never compained; if I had a problem I would discuss it. I made it easy for him to love me back. I did not expect for him to guess what I wanted, I let him know. I did not expect to have a fairy tale wedding and for him to be the prince charming. I knew that we are real people in the real world.
Um, well, if you take NO blame for this, or at least understand that things may not have been as perfect as you describe them, then it will be hard to ever see your H as anything but a heartless, disrespectful monster, who could NEVER be worthy of your love or the perfect marriage you created for him.
From the outside looking in it seems a lot like the mothers who talk about how their little 7 year old pagent daughter is perfect in every way; she gets A's in school, is #1 in the state in dance, first chair in the band and always the picture of happiness. What they don't know is that is because it's what they expect of her and so she lives up to that on the outside. On the inside she is miserable and wants to be a messy, B student who has time for hanging out with friends and "being a kid".
Like I said, you may be perfectly correct in your assessment of all this, and I would suspect that due to the way H is reacting to you knowing about the A, that you are either 90% correct in your feeling that the marriage was near perfect and he has realized what he has lost, and he's now desperate to get it back, OR he is still reacting in that "don't want to let Now_Broken down" way, and thus ignoring the reasons why he strayed in the first place.
One additional thing I learned through all this is the idea of validation and not agreeing with the aliens, but validating that they have the right to feel the way they feel. This is what I am talking mostly about, NOT giving him a pass on what he did.
I think I should say that of course, there are men and women who would stray from being God's husband or wife just "because". There are people for whom relationships, no matter how good, have no holding power. I think you and I both know that our H and W are NOT those people.
