Uncharted Territory

[Mickey]

Hi NLF,

I understand what you mean. I would have liked to save my relationship with ex, but, it has to work both ways. Mine was verbally abusive. That had stopped within the past 8 months by my quietly telling him I would not tolerate it any longer. Anyway, it seems to me that he wanted to keep some contact but could not tell me why. He has been with ow for 15 months.

I can forgive him but I have to stop the contact. I have to move forward and be allowed to do that w/o any "more negative" to add to the mix. Our relationship was a mess and he has apologized to me and said 2 weeks ago by email that he understood that I didn't even have to talk to him. I think he was willing to admit his part in this. He says he can't get past some things and didn't want us to hang in limbo.

I hate to see him so confused, so I won't add any more by keeping contact. Would like to have been there for him but he wanted to continue the physical part of us. I wouldn't have had much self-respect for either of us doing that.

I believe he contacted you about his friend because you are the person he can talk to about the important things. The feelings, emotions, etc. He was connecting with someone that he knew would care. That was you.

I hope for the best in dealing with your situation. I believe it is okay to tell him how you feel. I just needed to learn to do with w/o so much frustration.

Mickey

[ForcedNewLife]

Micky,

Thanks for the post. How timely!! About hating to see the xh so "confused" and not wanting to add anymore, that is it exactly! It is so difficult to see someone once loved so painfully out of the loop and not on a good path. However, if a WAS has a few lucid moments and wants to contact, should a DBing LBS be available, or should the LBS be protective of themselves. How do we know what a lucid moment is? Just pondering here. Thanks Micky for dropping by.


Journal:
I learned on another thread about speaking the "microscopic truth" which means that
1) I understand the reason for h's contact,
2) I appreciate his attempt to do, follow up, inform, etc
3) I have had an unexpected reaction to hearing h's voice, or receiving his email,
4) My unexpected reaction is ...crying, or feeling sick, or punched in the stomach, etc.
5) My reason for this is that I feel betrayed, cast aside, etc.
6) I do not want to have these strong negative responses, therefore in any future emergency, you may use email, text, vm at office, etc.

This will work for me, miss mealy-mouth who did not stand up for herself.

NLF

[ForcedNewLife]

Journal
H calls again!!! (And I did not use the technique I mentioned in the previous post; I kind of lashed out at him) What is it with this man...does he not know the meaning of the word "divorced". The topic of this call was that I did not have to mail him a copy of a document...so what if I had mailed it; he could have thrown it away!! He sure did not mind "wasting my time" prior to the d when he negelected to help with all the work of home maintenance.

I wish I could talk to Ss and have them relay a message to h to not call me. But I guess I have to put on my "big girl" pants and do it myself! I was fairly sharp with him during the last call but I did not deliver the "do not call" message.

In theory, I am sympathetic to his being alone and disconnected from his children; it is sad. In practice, I can not stand his constant focus on himself, which comes through in most of what he says. He'll have to adjust to the new definition of "family" just like I am doing. The only difference is that I knew that our new family dynamic would be difficult and he thought it would be just fine. He really believed that our relationships with our children would be just as warm as always.

As far as MLC goes, h's behavior is not reconnecting. He is still self-centered, as he has been in recent years.
And I am still wrestling with 'forgiveness, from a distance'. Translation: I forgive you as long as you don't get my dander up!

NLF

[brueniap]

Hey NLF-

It seems to me that you can get word to your ex that you do not want contact right now. When my H first left here he kept bouncing back around like Tigger. It was making me sick inside. I just couldn't handle the strain it had on my mental well-being and my heart. Because I was a coward - his son was more than happy to let him have it and tell him to not come around here while I am here.

IT HELPED TREMENDOUSLY with a level of healing that I don't think could have happened otherwise.

Now he comes around and it's ok.........but that can change again.........and it may, actually. I might be able to say - I need some space - my heart is hurting again.

You don't have to have him call you at all. Ask him to call only if it's some kind of emergency - but for now you are trying to make sense out of your new life which doesn't include him! That's the way he wanted it.....that's what he got!

Things may be different later on. You'll know when they are. Then you can deal with things differently on down the road.

Hang in there NLF - you are on the road to healing.

hugs,

brue

[almosthopeless]

Hi NLF,

Well, it does look like he is having trouble adjusting to his new life, doesn't it. Who knows what it means, probably a combination of self-centeredness, guilt, regret, wish for connection, who knows. But anyway, like you and brue have expressed, I don't think you have to accept it if it hurts you.

The trick is "just" to say your feelings, without blame or interpretation of his acts (very tricky for me!) Something simple: I become very distressed when you call me, I feel like.... Please don't call me unless it is an emergency.

How is your house coming? As a fellow cluttered/perfectionist, I welcome a model of how to improve even a little in this part of my life!

Hugs.
AH

[ForcedNewLife]

Brue,

...for now (I am) trying to make sense out of my new life which doesn't include him! That is such a perfect statement for me to deliver to the xh because it is not angry, not loaded with other meanings, and it is direct.
Thank you.
Your sitch has opened some wounds. You have every reason to ask for some breathing room right now. Some old guy making "cow eyes" at another new "love", well it tarnishes all the meanings of the word love. I am so sorry your h is misbehaving in this manner.

NLF

[ForcedNewLife]

AH,

Thank you for the post. It does seem like xh is having a bit of trouble adjusting right now. The phrase 'please don't call unless it is an emergency' is great. I hope I can remember all this for the next time he calls.

As for the clutter "issues". OMG where did the summer go? I still have some exterior painting to do. I have the cluttered garage to clean out. I have made a good dent in the basement which was easier because it was "my" stuff vrs the garage which was h's. Now that I am doing the home maintenance I don't want to toss what I might need. So I have to sort, store and try to remember where I put the stuff!

My mom finished painting the small enclosed porch. It looks smashing. I painted the ceiling light aqua, which was daring for me. I have started on the kitchen and the walls are going to be...lilac. I guess I am "expressing" myself! It is so nice not to have to agree with someone else on these things

Thanks for looking in.

nlf

[ForcedNewLife]

Journal,

Denver S, DIL and new granddaughter are coming to visit. Hooray!! I am planning a dinner with my brother and mom and my children/grandchildren to show off new baby to my brother. It is my first entertaining in my new home. I am really looking forward to it.

Denver S has not told my former H that he is coming. They will have to work this out for themselves. I hope they will visit their father. My former H has not seen this grandchild who is now 9 months.

Former H called again this week. He started out the convo with the factual reason for the call. Then he went on to "report" to me (or brag??) that he has seen the one (out of three) of our children. I did not engage him in convo; I merely answered yes/no. I forgot all the great advice that was posted to me on this thread!!! When will I get a brain?

As ususal, having him call threw me off for a whole day, at least.

I can pray, I can ask for strength and seem to receive it. I can bury myself in work and new friends and seem to function just fine until... some contact. I am so disappointed in myself for still allowing these emotional set-backs.

I don't want him around, I don't care what he does about PAs or EAs. I do not want to have a relationship with someone who is self-centered. "I" want to be the self-centered one.

I met a newly married middle-age couple this past weekend. She was sort of b*tchy and her appearance was haphazzard at best. He was as nice and cheerful as could be. Good-looking too!! Honestly, living proof that opposites attract!!

NLF

[Karen58]

NLF,

Wanted to pop in and say hello and thank you (belatedly) for visiting my thread a while back.

Some thoughts: you know your H is having trouble completely letting go now that the D is done, and he will try to touch and connect a bit now and then even in anger, it probably makes him feel better somehow. And ITA he called about the colleague b/c you still fill a need he can't get filled elsewhere. I also think though it rattles you to hear from him you are adjusting some yourself and that if and when you are truly ready to cut the contact you will. And then you will tell him don't call me any more. And if he still does, technology abounds these days to block him out or at least warn you not to pick up a call from him (be it caller ID or screening by answering machine). OTOH you may get to a place where the contact doesn't rattle you anymore, or he may just stop.

IKWYM about seeing couples your age and thinking "Alas!" I try to remember that #1 I have no idea how rosy their R really is (or not), and #2 who knows what life w/ H would've been like if he hadn't left years ago. IOW trying not to imagine that life would've been a fairy tale if only.

About forgiveness. calder once posted this web site which I found quite good, it may be helpful: www.forgivenessweb.com

"Opposites attract" you say? Research says to the contrary. Let's see how long that one lasts.

-- Karen

[ForcedNewLife]

Karen, thanks for the post. You are right, I was feeling sorry for myself and projecting happiness into the relationships I see around me.

I am very busy at work...almost overbooked. With the S's visit coming up there is much to do on the home front. I am going to cook a nice dinner which will be interesting since I have not gotten around to shopping for a stove. Grill, Nesco, and electric frypan all the way!

As far as telling xh to buzz off and not call anymore, that would take courage and being decisive. I'll have to think about that. It is so apparent that it is the right thing to do for me. I just don't want my sons to think ill of me or to cause xh undue mental distress in his depressed state. On the other hand, I do need exercise control over my environment, staying focused, etc.

I am getting lonely. I would like to have someone in my life. However, I am also getting more selfish with my time and my space. I will not be put into a position where I have to justify my actions to someone else. Sharing has lost its appeal. Will it come back?

I am in a very intersting place mentally. I don't think any of my married friends could understand at all. I am shocking myself with these new thoughts. Perhaps I have turned the corner.

NLF