Uncharted Territory

[almosthopeless]

Hi NLF,

I wanted to thank you first for posting to me while I was wallowing around the last couple of days.

You seem to be settling well--I am so proud of your accomplishments with the washer & dryer, you are really tackling your "growth opportunities" like a pro.

I wanted to tell you, we have similar Hs, in that they are both very kind and pleasant, and don't do much of the nasty or extravagant behavior. Nonetheless, mine can't be divorced fast enough to suit him. I too wondered if I had a real "MLCer". But I do, he is just of a slightly different mold.

Congratulations again on your new skills.

Hugs.
AH

[ForcedNewLife]

Avalon

Remember, H is out there on his journey too. He's gotta come out having learned something, doesn't he??

I laughed when I read this. My xh would be a very slow learner; I think his IEP (Individual Educational Profile) would site ego issues that need to be worked through.
NLF

[ForcedNewLife]

Journal,

I was in Denver for a long weekend with my S, DIL and baby girl, 6 mos old, who is adorable. I worked along with my son on two landscaping projects, we shopped for baby clothes and car seats, and I painted a fence. It felt so good to be needed. ...and that baby...she is wonderful. I could hardly get on the plane to leave. It all makes me wonder what I am doing here 1,000 miles away from where I am needed.

Not one word was said about H. ( and this S was the one closest to his dad.) He thanked me numerous times for the help with the projects. I felt wonderful.

NLF

[ForcedNewLife]

Journal,

My D was final four weeks ago. Several people asked me if H said good-bye to me after the court session. No, he just said something to both attnys, turned and walked away. I was fine with that but my mom and gfs thought he should have said good bye.

That day, while we were waiting for court, we were in the same conference room, both attys and us. I was unconfortable. H seemed to be "working", looking over his calendar and his appt cards. I think he was nervous. Then he made small talk, about our Ss.

I was unhappy with my atty to put me in the same room as H. What were they thinking... that we would reconcile at the last minute???

I had the strangest feeling, one of great relief, walking out of the courthouse. It was like this huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I am almost embaressed to mention it. I did not expect to feel so good. After all, I am keenly aware that I am alone. I am scared about being successful in my career. The house I bought needs a lot of attention to make it feel like mine. The work in exhausting...I sure could use someone strong sometimes just to help. As for my sons and DILs, I feel that someone has taken a shotgun and fired into my family and now we all have holes in us. This all seems to be a negative reality. And yet I felt tremendous relief after divorce court.

There was a bit of a gray cloud later that day. The only worry was that someone left a bouquet of fresh flowers at my home. I asked all my girlfriends at the office, none of them did it. If it was one of the men here, well, that is a problem. I will never, ever be part of destroying someone else's family. I just am a bit uneasy thinking about the flowers. Maybe it was a harmless, thoughtful gesture. But then wouldn't there be a card?

Increasing, I am relying on prayer and meditation. I have to learn to let go. I cling to possessions too much. It is just...stuff and I have too much of it. I am sentimental about gifts and things from my past. I have to learn to let go so that I can concentrate on the truly important. God does not care about my possessions, only my soul.

NLF

[Karen58]

nlf,

I was sorry to read about the D. I will be in the same boat soon but I doubt I will even see the inside of a courtroom, let alone H (haven't seen him in about a year anyway). But I'm glad to see you're taking some positives from it despite everything.

About the flowers, isn't it possible they came from someone you haven't thought of asking who just wanted to cheer you up after the D, but the card was lost? Can you tell what florist they're from and make inquiries there?

I hear you on the possessions. Got a big reminder about that myself recently (like I needed one -- but I have been the worst procrastinator in that arena) when I helped a friend move -- all I could think was "I have GOT to clear the cr@p out of my life!" Tell you what, I'll get started if you will.

-- Karen

[ForcedNewLife]

Journal

I have been replaying many thoughts about xh and m. There has been no contact.

The m was hard on me, esp the last 5-6 yrs. I don't want to hold a grudge; but I don't want gloss over the difficulties either.

I am relieved and happier now that I don't have to deal with xh. However, I feel I should be able to forgive, but I don't really want to. I don't feel guilty that I've had more fun times with friends these past months than I had in years with xh.

If I weren't for thoughts about what could or should have been creeping up on me, I would be in great shape.

I was on the brink of being weepy on Sunday. Where did that come from? Who knows. I am sensitive right now when I see couples my age. And with all the summer fairs and festivities, they are everywhere!

I babysat for my gs on Saturday night. It was a lot of fun but it seemed that something was missing, guess who--h/grandpa! Looking back now as I write this, that is where my thought process starting getting out of whack.

My work and my friends can keep me occupied but it is those family times that are hard to adjust to. That is where the d hits home.


NLF

[almosthopeless]

Hi NLF,

Thanks for your very timely and supportive post on my thread--I'm going to respond more fully over there. Just wanted to come by and see if I could return the favor.

So, I'll repeat some of what you said to me! Just processing emotions in light of new insights is huge growth. I'm so impressed that you can admit to more complicated emotions--relief, sadness, fear of the future--all at once. This seems so emotionally mature to me (something I haven't been all that familiar with!)

As to forgiveness--I read a definition that struck me as very useful in making me WANT to forgive. If I can remember it, the definition was "forgiveness is giving up the hope of a different, or better, past." This somehow struck me as something that yes, I really did want to do, so that I accept that past and move forward. This may or may not help you, but for me it resonated.

Keep in touch, NLF, I think you are about 5-6 months ahead of me on the path. Helping each other on this board seems to be a very healthy thing to me.

Hugs.
AH

[ForcedNewLife]

AH,

You have given me something to think about with that definition of forgiveness. There is a tussle going on in my head right now over giving up the hope of a different or better past. I just don't know if that definition fits for me.

Thank you for sharing on this concept which is so important for me, as someone wants to come out of d as a mature soul (as well as a happy and good person!!!)

NLF

[almosthopeless]

Hi NLF,

Thanks for visiting my thread again. I hear you about tussling with that definition, 'cause it puts the ball squarely in our court.

Another thing that helps me is that forgiveness is for us, according to all I read/am reading. It is for us to move forward, and it has nothing to do with the other person. This helps me too, or at least it makes me want to forgive.

Also, I have read that forgiveness is essential to fully processing grief. So again, I want to be there eventually, even though I might need to nurse a few of my grudges for awhile longer!

Hope this helps, I'm reading daily on it right now because I can tell I need it. Let me know if I bore you, I am thick-skinned.

Hugs.
AH

[ForcedNewLife]

Journal,

Grrrr. I have had 2 contacts with H and it was not pleasant. Over the weekend, I listened to his vm, and thought "I am SO glad that I do not have to put up with him now." He was "inconvenienced' when he had to wait 10 min. for the bank to open so that he could find out about the one acct that is still "joint". His irritation over something so ordinary like waiting 10 min, well, it just speaks volumns about permanent, unpleasing elements of his personality.

Then H called today to relay that one of his former co-workers has been admitted to a hospice and the end is near. I barely knew OF this guy, let alone knew him. So why did H call me? I think there is no one else in his life right now who would know/care about it. I felt like asking H why he called me, but I refrained from any negative comment.


Why do I do that...shy away from expressing my true feelings to him, as in saying to him "don't call me". His contacts upset me. I have a right to my privacy. I would rather think about him in theory and develop an attitude of forgiveness from a distance.
That is a safer place for me. Otherwise, I 'get in a twirl' as my best friend says.

NLF