My D was final four weeks ago. Several people asked me if H said good-bye to me after the court session. No, he just said something to both attnys, turned and walked away. I was fine with that but my mom and gfs thought he should have said good bye.
That day, while we were waiting for court, we were in the same conference room, both attys and us. I was unconfortable. H seemed to be "working", looking over his calendar and his appt cards. I think he was nervous. Then he made small talk, about our Ss.
I was unhappy with my atty to put me in the same room as H. What were they thinking... that we would reconcile at the last minute???
I had the strangest feeling, one of great relief, walking out of the courthouse. It was like this huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I am almost embaressed to mention it. I did not expect to feel so good. After all, I am keenly aware that I am alone. I am scared about being successful in my career. The house I bought needs a lot of attention to make it feel like mine. The work in exhausting...I sure could use someone strong sometimes just to help. As for my sons and DILs, I feel that someone has taken a shotgun and fired into my family and now we all have holes in us. This all seems to be a negative reality. And yet I felt tremendous relief after divorce court.
There was a bit of a gray cloud later that day. The only worry was that someone left a bouquet of fresh flowers at my home. I asked all my girlfriends at the office, none of them did it. If it was one of the men here, well, that is a problem. I will never, ever be part of destroying someone else's family. I just am a bit uneasy thinking about the flowers. Maybe it was a harmless, thoughtful gesture. But then wouldn't there be a card?
Increasing, I am relying on prayer and meditation. I have to learn to let go. I cling to possessions too much. It is just...stuff and I have too much of it. I am sentimental about gifts and things from my past. I have to learn to let go so that I can concentrate on the truly important. God does not care about my possessions, only my soul.
NLF
You must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. ---Leonardo da Vinci
