Quote: I have not read of other MLCers in replay who have shown this "decent behavior" element. I read about the OWs, the extravagent spending. H does not seem to fit the mold. and when he doesn't, I feel sad for all that is lost for me and my family.
I am dealing w/ a man in MLC who has been more decent all along than he has been angry or mean. He has remained in touch w/ our two grown sons and in fact seems to take pride in being a decent dad. Though in my eyes and particularly in the eyes of my eldest son, he clearly falls way short of my support.
I have a hard time taking the acts of kindness (lately he has been coming over on weekends to help around the house with large long-term type projects) as just acts of kindness and not baby-steps towards re-connection.
We just attended the graduation last weekend of my youngest son from college. We were nice to each other and it made life for all around us much easier. I feel that this is taking the 'high road' rather than being mean and hard hearted myself. Whatever the reaction of my H to my own kindness, I know that my sons appreciate it, and my parents expressed great admiration for my attitude.
I too feel sad for all that is lost to my family: myself, sons and grandson. It seems a waste and all that. But I try to concentrate on MY being lucky to have what I have, and not on what we or my H does not have. I pat myself on the back for being a supportive parent, and revel in my good R with my kids.
As for your sitch, frankly it looks like your H has made a royal mess of his life, alienating you, your sons and their families, sold his home, and is finally realizing that he has not created a happy paradise for himself. Looks like there is some regret starting to creep in. I see this in the last couple of notes you have written re: his trying to help you, overtures to your mom, outreach to your sons... Now this may not be any kind of baby step on his trying to come home or rather back to the M, but you will need to decide if it changes how you want to relate to him. What kind of R will you have and what do you look for in the post-D phase? You cannot and should not facilitate his R with your children, but your R with him is at least partly in your hands.
