I do not know what would make me feel "better", h acting like a big jerk so that I can vent or H doing something nice and me having to give him the credit he deserves.
H, per our agreement at the last 4 way mtg, sent my mom a generous check for all her "help" with getting the house ready for market and then helping get rid of our unwanted accumlated junk and helping me pack and move.
My mom, who has been disgusted with h for walking out on me, was surprised and touched by the check and the note he wrote. In the note he recognized that she was always a help to us over the years, and said that he appreciated her efforts.
It was nice that he did this. However, right now so close to our D day, it is hard on me to see this glimmer of the person he used to be. It's like everything he said, the ILYBNILWY, is the truth, that he's not in MLC, this is a well thought out plan that will lead him to happiness for the rest of his life. If that is true, then I am someone that needed to be ejected from his life for him to be happy.
I have not read of other MLCers in replay who have shown this "decent behavior" element. I read about the OWs, the extravagent spending. H does not seem to fit the mold. and when he doesn't, I feel sad for all that is lost for me and my family.
nlf
You must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. ---Leonardo da Vinci
It's sad, isn't it, when the rare kind act hurts more than feels good. But weigh that against the many decent things he used to do in his "normal" skin. I think he will still come out on the MLC or indecent side.
No matter how you analyze it, for whatever reason he did it, he willingly tormented his family.
I don't blame your sons for being reluctant to spend time with him. Mine have essentially taken five years to see their father and even now his failure to say, "I'm sorry" weighs heavy on their hearts. Plus he remains in the same living situation with ow.
You are right to be sad, because each member of your family has lost something. No matter how close you remain to your sons, their in-laws, being a complete couple, somehow seem to have more to give. I say that as one who is in the same exact situation. It's just the way it is.
I hope that your sons reassure you as mine do that you are as important in their lives as the other grandparents are. Because you are. There is just one of you.
Our husbands have so much to answer for. You'd wonder how they can exist every day with this terrible weight on their souls. If nothing else proves they are abnormal, that they can walk around with this moral burden and not collapse proves it.
My reply just got Lost in Space. You expressed my feelings exactly when you said the the rare act of kindess hurts more than it feels good.
I do not think that H feels a "terrible weight". I think that if MCLers felt these things, they would want to kill themselves for all the pain they caused, especially for the people who loved them.
I picture H like a balloon bouncing along in the breeze, happy, not feeling much of anything.
My sons do tell me that I am important to them. That feels good to hear. But in my mind, "the inlaws seem to have more to give." And that makes me feel sad.
Thanks for your insights.
NLF
You must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. ---Leonardo da Vinci
Quote: I have not read of other MLCers in replay who have shown this "decent behavior" element. I read about the OWs, the extravagent spending. H does not seem to fit the mold. and when he doesn't, I feel sad for all that is lost for me and my family.
I am dealing w/ a man in MLC who has been more decent all along than he has been angry or mean. He has remained in touch w/ our two grown sons and in fact seems to take pride in being a decent dad. Though in my eyes and particularly in the eyes of my eldest son, he clearly falls way short of my support.
I have a hard time taking the acts of kindness (lately he has been coming over on weekends to help around the house with large long-term type projects) as just acts of kindness and not baby-steps towards re-connection.
We just attended the graduation last weekend of my youngest son from college. We were nice to each other and it made life for all around us much easier. I feel that this is taking the 'high road' rather than being mean and hard hearted myself. Whatever the reaction of my H to my own kindness, I know that my sons appreciate it, and my parents expressed great admiration for my attitude.
I too feel sad for all that is lost to my family: myself, sons and grandson. It seems a waste and all that. But I try to concentrate on MY being lucky to have what I have, and not on what we or my H does not have. I pat myself on the back for being a supportive parent, and revel in my good R with my kids.
As for your sitch, frankly it looks like your H has made a royal mess of his life, alienating you, your sons and their families, sold his home, and is finally realizing that he has not created a happy paradise for himself. Looks like there is some regret starting to creep in. I see this in the last couple of notes you have written re: his trying to help you, overtures to your mom, outreach to your sons... Now this may not be any kind of baby step on his trying to come home or rather back to the M, but you will need to decide if it changes how you want to relate to him. What kind of R will you have and what do you look for in the post-D phase? You cannot and should not facilitate his R with your children, but your R with him is at least partly in your hands.
I know that I have to decide how to proceed with any future R with xh. My therapist, who has kept me on an even keel through all this, says that the most important thing is that I protect my emotional health. This means that I if I am uncomfortable with attending a specific event (Baptisms, wedding of friends's adult children) I should just not attend. I think that over time, I will be able to tolerate these events, but probably not in the next year or so. If xh decides to attend with ow, that I would have a problem with.
For now, I am going very dark. I can not imagine any reason for contact.
If xh tries to "be decent" it still would probably be alot of ego. Why should I accept that from him, a man who wounded his family so much, when I would never tolerate it from passing acquaintance? I overlooked alot for the sake of the marriage. I will always try to do what I can to keep things easy for my family, but I will stand up for my feelings too.
I think it will all play out ok.
NLF
You must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. ---Leonardo da Vinci
I had the most wonderful birthday yesterday. About 35 women at work gave me a surprise b'day party. I had no clue, I was totally blown away.
Some gals had been hinting about the divorce date and going out that evening. But I have been pretty vague about the date. So they threw a B'day party after work. Appetizers, gifts, wine. They had it on the patio of a friend's home on the river. It was a beautiful evening...so much laughter. They said I got as white as a ghost and then turned bright red when I walked in the house and they shouted "Surprise".
The cake decoration was alittle ...off color; it had a hot dog on it. And they wrote a song... also blue. There was alot of laughter. And some thoughtful gifts wine, books, bath lotions, etc. nice all the way around.
I am so touched. Some of these women are so successful in sales, so talented. All have wonderful strenghts and each has something to offer. My career has been in the dumpster this year so far. Cleaning, packing, moving...its a distraction from sales that is for sure. Anyway, it was a wonderful, thoughtful gesture. They care. And I am grateful.
NLF
You must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. ---Leonardo da Vinci
What a wonderful party. Your work friends must think so much of you to go to so much effort. Thirty-five is a lot of people to come on a work night to honor someone.
I'm sure your sales will pick up now that you are some time away from the worst of this - not that you are beyond the pain of it, but maybe past that crushing, constant feeling of grief.
Our sons are so special to us and I think moreso since this happened. They, unfortunately, saw us wounded - that probably really scared them. Then we survived and are doing quite well and I think they do admire our courage and strength. That their fathers have lost some of their respect is the terrible price they had to pay.
My son who first saw his father last week is still angry at him. I asked him if he enjoyed talking to his father (he had been smiling when he was with him) and he said, "Not really." I didn't think he would get over it in one visit. These men shouldn't expect their sons to just come running back to them after what they've done - they have deeply affected their relationships.
You will probably be having other birthday celebrations, and I'm glad that one was so nice.
Thank you for the reply. I have been working hard around my home, I am still getting settled and there are many boxes in the garage waiting for me. Plus there is the lawn and flower beds. We are having a spell of hot weather, just when I decided to seed some bare spots!!! So I am watering morn and night ( and noonish if I come home for lunch)
This was the first week in a loooong time that I felt motivated and focused at work. There is much to do to catch up.
On Thursday evening I finally got my washer and dryer hooked up, after living in the house 3 weeks. I was the "midnight plumber" who, being sick and tired of the laundrymat, decided to see what it would take to hook up. I was so proud of myself for getting it leveled connected. I was doing laundry by 1 a.m. The next morning I hung it all out on the line. I have not been able to do that for 30 years. The clothes smelled so fresh when I brought them in.
I read one of your posts about Flylady.com. Did you know that she feels that it is the perfectionist type person who usually ends up with the clutter "issues". I thought that was very interesting. I makes me feel better to think of myself as a perfectionist. (Looking at the dust bunnies I raise under my sofa and beds, one would never guess. ) I am trying the polished kitchen sink thing and, for me, it is a good start at keeping the kitchen clean.
My temptation is always the yard or the garden. For some reason, although the labor can be dirty and tiring, it does not seem like work to me. I finally got me vegetable garden planted--all three tomato plants . I do not have much full sun because of the trees so I only have room for one very short row of vegetables.
NLF
You must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. ---Leonardo da Vinci
Today I was invited to a friend's house for their Father's Day celebration. There were 30 people, adult children, their parents and even two sets of inlaws were there along with 5 young children. It was the large, warm family gathering I always thought I would be hostessing, but I never did. It was interesting to watch the older couples who were in their 70's; the relationships were so normal and ordinary and good. I realized, once again, that I had not have a normal marriage. I saw a step-father who gently put his hand on his college age step-son's back when he was talking to him and the boy smiled. I heard one of the couples in their 70's joke about sexy nightgowns. I heard these same couples sit around and talk about their blood pressure and their lasik surgeries. And I realized that I never had normal husband who would accept others into his home or his conversations. Seeing these things, I think the door is slowly closing for me. As someone said here, I loved my H but I could not go back to the R we had, I could not pretend to be happy.
NLF
You must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. ---Leonardo da Vinci
And that, NLF, is growth. Isn't it amazing how it feels when you get to the point where you would rather be where you are now even after all this crap then to be where you were before it started?
And you're right, it would never work out to go back to the same H and the same M. We need to start fresh with a brand spanking new M and a new H (maybe an H in the same wrapping, but with a whole new attitude!) Remember, H is out there on his journey too. He's gotta come out having learned something, doesn't he??
) I am trying the polished kitchen sink thing and, for me, it is a good start at keeping the kitchen clean.
. I do not have much full sun because of the trees so I only have room for one very short row of vegetables.