Uncharted Territory

[ForcedNewLife]

AH

I wanted to ask if you'd be willing to share your thoughts and feelings, in hindsight, on choosing a collaborative divorce route, rather than digging in and contesting.

I doubt that my reasons for chosing a Collabrative Divorce will apply to others but here goes.

I went the collabrative route because, early on, I thought it might help get us back together. Knowing my H, I felt that if I and my atty became advesarial in a contested D, my husband would have responded by digging in his heels and being even more resolute towards D. (In hindsight, I was living in LaLa Land to think he would "snap out of this") I spent months teary-eyed with gobs of wet tissues wadded up in my hands at the four-way meetings. I just was not facing reality.

Although I went to my job without revealing much of my stress, privately I was very, very sad for about 12 months. And those divorce meetings really made things worse. It was only 2 months ago that I finally got a grip on myself and I'm now able to sit calmly through the meetings. So you see, my primary reason was not valid.

Divorce attnys and courts are all about $$ and the kids. Our sons are grown so that leaves the $$ issues. My H and I never really discussed money. We worried about it, but didn't talk much about it. It was a touchy issue because he had had some carrer reversals ( which, in hindsight, probably triggered MLC) and we did not talk much about those either. We did adjust our spending, but we did not plan and discuss where we would cut our lifestyle. We just endured. So collabrative D is really a continuation of the non-confrontational way we handled things in our marriage.

In hindsight, I think collabrative divorce allowed my H to postpone facing reality and the harder issues. If our d was a hard-fought battle, then he would be getting a picture of the hurt, anger etc. Wouldn't that be a step closer to the reality he has created? I think so.

If children are involved, I think collabrative is the only way to go. Because the couple and the attnys promise to work together in good faith. Having 4 people working in the kids best interest would be better than having the stronger of the attnys build a better case and win and thereby making the losing parent really end up in the losing position.
Besides, I have to have faith that the two attnys involved would have seen enough tragedy with children that they would be able to offer some insight into creating the best situation.

Collabrative has been a longer process. If you suspect that your H might be up to hiding some assets or adjusting his income, he will have more time to accomplish that. So beware.

Early on I read, on this board, where someone said that once the bomb has dropped, one should get their D asap, because the financial sitch does not get any better over time. That has been true for me. On the other hand, I needed to go slowly because I was giving h time to return. Even after reading all about the Six Stages, and refecting how long ago he changed and was in Anger and then Denial, and now Replay and probably some Depression (a mere 5 years ), and even after reading everyone else's stories, I still could not just rush off and be Dark. I needed to know that I tried, and I waited; I did not turn and run.

It does take extra training for attnys to do collabrative. and they need to be willing to work together instead of opposing. So there may be better attnys working in this area because they need better skills. Just a Thought.

NLF