Uncharted Territory

[ForcedNewLife]

Recap:
H 62
W 58
3 S, 2 DIL, 3 grandchildren, all babies
Bomb: Feb, 2005
H filed in April, 2005
H moved out in May, 2005
Target Divorce date: May, 2006


Somethings are the same on this board, same wonderful and caring advice. And somethings are different, new names, with slightly new twists on the same old situations. Oh what a sad collection of sagas that unfold here. And to think that it is all so unessary if only MCLers would recognize their depression and get help instead of undoing their lives.

I am just about ready to move to Surviving but for what its worth I thought I would sign off.

H and I will be divorced sometime in May. We are having a "Collobrative Divorce" which means meetings with him and the attnys and me. I cried at every meeting until March when I finally got a grip on myself and the reality of it all. H was just very business-like through all those meetings.

Since March however, H seems to be more withdrawn and depressed. He just appears more needy to me but also still very self-centered.

I am getting an offer on our home tomorrow and hope to close in early May. H, who has done very little since moving out last May, has offered to come and help with clearing out stuff. However, I can not bear to have him around. It would be to stressful for me. I feel that beneath his polite, controlled demeanor lurks an angry man who would lash out and blame me. I know I would get lured into verbally defending myself instead of deflecting his remarks which is the DBing technique that helps by not adding fuel to the fire.

H's OW seems to be out of the picture; as others told me months ago, she was just a means for him to act on his feelings and leave. Our Ss never found out about the OW, thankgoodness.

H is still a narcissist; although now it more sharing of his nagging, though minor, health issues. I never talk about health and I don't want to hear an unsolicited report about his ailments. I feel that the underlying cause of much of his petty ailments is due to the termoil and guilt he has caused in his life.

H's earning power has diminished. My attny thinks he is just a man in a tailspin at the end of his career. For a while I thought he might be up to something financially but now I agree with the attny. I would have been much better off to become divorced in August. My settlement would have been larger.

I never really had feelings of rage against H although I had tremendous sadness for his undoing of our family. I have this vision that H has taken a shotgun and fired it on all of us and we are all filled with holes... S's, DIL's and extended family. But I don't have the rage. Strange, isn't it. I am looking forward to relief from the vague obligation that I feel that I should have been able to make this "all better". That is a really silly notion, but it is the way I feel.

After the D I want to go very dark. I feel that will help me to repair myself. I have gotten through this without and ADs. I am grateful for my three close friends. I wore out their ears!!!

H has been calling me with questions about the house sale, etc. He called me three times today. He apparently wants some limited connection. Yet he wants the D asap. H called to ask about Easter (like he thought I would invite him to dinner? ) I think he does not have an invitation to go anywhere and it has just dawned on him that this is the way our divorce will be and that the Ss do not have the same feelings of connection wtih him that they used to have.

I never was a cruel person. It seems cold and cruel to be remote and withdraw from him. However, just because H appears to have moved from replay to depression, does not mean that any of my actions or caring can make his sickness better. ( I do not know if I'm being caring out of habit or out of love.) He has lots of issues to confront. He has not even expressed his anger yet. There is a lot ahead of us, if indeed, H is going to come out of this. And I do not think I will be able to be there if or when there is an end to this MLC. I have changed so much already and he seems stuck.

This is uncharted territory.

Forced New Life (I should have selected that name to use here )

NLF