New to Piecing

[COG]

Lights,

Wow, there's a lot of good stuff in that post. I think my reaction to my W last month is the result of my building frustration. I'm getting tired. I've been on my knees for six years now and I feel I'm running out of patience. I feel a bit like Forest Gump, he ran and ran and then just stopped in the middle of nowhere and said, "I think I'll go home now".

You are right, a man should not refer to his woman as being bitchy or a bitch. That's a mistake and I'll make it a point of apologizing to her again tonight. You are also right that I could have taken that opportunity to validate her, instead of shoving her down again. I'll try to do that tonight also. Just so you know, I do regularly validate her regarding her need for space.

So, COG, I am just wondering if your W still harbors enough resentments about your past treatment of her that they are damming up her ability to truly open herself to you.

Yes, I'm fairly certain about that. She say's she's not resentful, just has memories of past hurts.

I think it is nearly impossible to really let go into true physical intimacy without feeling pure love and trust for your partner in a full emotional and spiritual sense. I am talking about a love and trust that goes far beyond what is known as "passion".

My W has similar feelings. I know we have to build that kind of R, and maybe that's were I'M failing. Maybe it'll just take a little longer for me to become the kind of man she can purely love and trust. I keep thinking I'm there, but maybe not yet.

Regarding sex. She said that it took her a long time to become comfortable with me. I did'nt notice anything. I mean she seemed to have orgasms regularly. I ALWAYS took my time to make sure she was satisfied, mostly before me. She NEVER refused my advances, and ALWAYS seemed to enjoy our sexual encounters be it in the bathroom, on the couch, in front of the fire, at the office, or in the bed. I sure had fun, and she thanked me many times, said she loved my member. Things changed abruptly for me, but she said her feelings had been decreasing for several years.

We had a close family member die suddenly about 10 years ago. I did'nt know it at the time, but my W said she made the concious decision to detach from me at that time. She did'nt want to be left a helpless widow, feeling the pain of loosing her sould mate, so she decided to detach from me. In retrospect she knows it was a mistake for her to do that, but unfortunately she's not able to reverse it. That's what she apologizes to me for, that was her part in our M failing.

I really want this M to work out. I want our kid's to have one home to live in, and for them to not have to deal with step parents. I want to ML to my W again. I did'nt realize how attached I had become to her, until she left me. Now she's back, we're together, but we're still not completely together.

We'll get there though, or I'll die trying. The bad guy is not going to win this one. It aint over until that final bell rings for me to go home. In the name of God I'll stand and breath life into these dry bones. I fear nothing; death, disease, and destruction. No I was put on this earth for a reason and a purpose and I will see this through until the end.

I appreciate all of you who are helping me through this. I've really been struggling, tempted to do things I should'nt do. Continued prayers are welcome.

God Bless,

COG