New to Piecing

[COG]

Nicola,

My H thought he was a great lover (not implying anything here, COG!), but there were a lot of things he did that I didn't like...and I never said anything.

Oh, I'm sure my W could say the same thing. She did tell me a few things she did'nt like, but mostly I think she resented me because I could'nt read her mind. That's changed throughout our R, but I don't know if it would change under the covers. I don't know if she's able to be that open. I sure would like to find out though.

Anyway, as our R deteriorated, I didn't consciously withhold sex, but my desire waned to nothing.

That's pretty normal. That's why I've been so patient, and focused on the R instead of the physical intimacy.

Oh, I said I was trying, and I did make some token efforts, but I did not COMMIT to changing.

My W has committed to changing, she just has'nt committed to a time frame for changing.

COG, I think you're going to have to lay it on the line with her. She needs to know that this is a deal-breaker for you (if it is).

She know's it's a deal breaker. It's a deal breaker for her too. We've had several talks about it. Open, honest, mature talks. She knows I'm ready to go either way, she knows I want more, and I'll move on eventually if things don't get hopping.

I'm taking this one step at a time, one day at a time, and I am not afraid.

God Bless,

COG

[COG]

brandnewday,

I just read recently that many woman who are "together" and have this need to have things in total order don't like sex because they feel that during an orgasm they may lose control. They can not allow themselves to reach this point because it is something they can not control.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder. I've not really thought about that before. My W's mom taught her that sex was dirty when she was growing up. Her mom actually told her it was "dirty".
So maybe it's part fear of loosing control, and part what she believed growing up. Couple that with the other problem's we've had, and things start adding up.

Thanks,

COG

[brandnewday]

Our minds play so many tricks on us that affect our sex lives.

There seem to be too many women out there who have that whole "lie back and think of England" attitude when it comes to sex.

So many of us women were taught that "nice" girls don't do "it".
So when we grow up and are married and we have this man in front of us who wants to express his love to us with physical intimacy the garbage stays in our heads.

IF we enjoy it, then we are bad and feel guilty. We were taught that sex is for men to enjoy.
Sex is for procreation or for our Husband's "release".
Sex then becomes a weapon, a form of bribery and manipulation and it all becomes so thwarted.

The ironic thing is that many of these women have had affairs because they feel that they are not getting any attention from their Husbands when all along they were the ones witholding.

(Yes, I know your wife never had an affair) I have been reading many bookds on this subject and it has become a real eyeopener for me.
COG if I could share with you the things I have learned from my Husband these past few months......

[Tamashii]

Thanks BND. I have lived this. But I think there are abuse issues mixed in.

David

[AmyC]

Well good grief!
If I ever needed confirmation that I am the "bad girl" among us, this would be the thread to give it to me.
H and I never had problems in this area...but hey with the laundry list of other problems, I guess it's a blessing we did ANYTHING right!

COG, I will speak honestly to you because you wouldn't expect anything less from me. Please know I do not mean any disrespect for your wife with what I am about to say...

I felt many months ago that your growth had far surpassed that of your wife. I see her as an ice princess and not grateful in her heart for all that God has restored.
I am not saying that she should lay down to show you her gratitude. Not at all, that would only make her feel worse, and no one wants that for her. That being said, she has to walk this out for herself, I think. But she may never...
I am praying that she will though because you deserve to love and be loved in every way. You are not expected to settle. But you must also realize this is not just her demon. See, it is your old "friend"...hear what I am saying...I know the battles of your past...the wolf is at your door and for now, you are strong enough to step over him but you must remain vigilant. This is temptation. Not to cheat, we know you won't go there. I think you hear me.

COG, you can analyze your wife til the cows come home, but until she meets herself and her issues face to face, you are standing on the sidelines, fighting only to save yourself.

Make no mistake, you're still fair game.
The enemy comes in through any avenue he can.
He knows no bounds.
He'll even use your wife.

That's all I can contribute, if it's anything at all.
But you have my prayers, as does your wife.


Blessings,
Amy


By the way, Frank might be able to offer you a little insight into this...

[Tamashii]

Make no mistake, you're still fair game.
The enemy comes in through any avenue he can.
He knows no bounds.
He'll even use your wife.

The father of all lies.

David

[COG]

Amy,

Thanks for interjecting. I hear ya!

That being said, she has to walk this out for herself, I think. But she may never...

I'm actually starting to realize that she may never....

I am praying that she will though because you deserve to love and be loved in every way.

Agreed, I'm not so sure anymore if the Lord really wants me to continue to stand for less.

But you must also realize this is not just her demon. See, it is your old "friend"...hear what I am saying...I know the battles of your past...the wolf is at your door and for now, you are strong enough to step over him but you must remain vigilant. This is temptation.

Temptation is running pretty strong right now. I actually tried to find our unsigned legal separation document to look it over. It was'nt in the file where it's supposed to be, so I took that as an omen to not go there.

Damn bastard dog Satan. Son of a bitch, ahole, [censored] head. I am not afraid of you coward scum dog. You bring it you fricking louse and I'll eat you for lunch, in the name of my true Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In Jesus name I rebuke satan, and command him out of my heart, out of my mind, out of my M, and out of my W. I pray the dry bones of sexuality back to life in our M. I pray for the strength and courage to stand for what's right in my M, and stand for the M Christ envisions for us. I pray for mercy. I can not do this alone.

God Bless,

COG

[Tamashii]

COG,

I haven't written to you but I stalk...er...follow Amy, so I couldn't help but see this.

I am reading a book entitled 'Every Man's Battle' that I might suggest. It deals with man's sexual temptation and how to deal with sexual 'impurity.' I'm not crazy about that word but the book hits the mark. With all the beautiful women walking around during my stand, I need some help. There seem to be more now that I'm standing. The evil one works this way. If I was looking for a date, I couldn't find one. I'm not looking and suddenly I seem to be the recipient of many a batted eyelash.
I found this book on Amazon.
I'll let the girls tell you how to deal with W. This book is about YOU.

David

[COG]

David,

Thanks for stalking, I mean lurking. I'll add 'Every Man's Battle' to my list. I just bought "Mars and Venus in The Bedroom" last night so I'm going to read that next.

I see my struggle as just that, MY struggle. It's all about me. What my W chooses to do, how she feels, what she does, that's about her. She's human and prone to sin just like the rest of us. My struggles, challenges, and tempatations are most important to ME, because I alone will answer for them, come the judgement day.

I'm not easily tempted by OW, although I am a sucker for a pretty face. My temptation is more along the lines of I'm tired of her not being able to love me completely. I deserve it, I've earned it, I want it now, and if I don't get it soon, I'm gonna leave her.

It's interesting how God works though. I know He's doing what he can to help me, to guide me. I already mentioned that I could'nt find the financial separation agreement. But here's another one. Even if I did decide to leave my W, I have noplace to go. My house, fully furnished house, is rented out to some friends of ours while they're building their own home. So I'm at least here for probably another 12 months.

A lot of things can change in 12 months.

God Bless,

COG

[COG]

Lights,

Wow, there's a lot of good stuff in that post. I think my reaction to my W last month is the result of my building frustration. I'm getting tired. I've been on my knees for six years now and I feel I'm running out of patience. I feel a bit like Forest Gump, he ran and ran and then just stopped in the middle of nowhere and said, "I think I'll go home now".

You are right, a man should not refer to his woman as being bitchy or a bitch. That's a mistake and I'll make it a point of apologizing to her again tonight. You are also right that I could have taken that opportunity to validate her, instead of shoving her down again. I'll try to do that tonight also. Just so you know, I do regularly validate her regarding her need for space.

So, COG, I am just wondering if your W still harbors enough resentments about your past treatment of her that they are damming up her ability to truly open herself to you.

Yes, I'm fairly certain about that. She say's she's not resentful, just has memories of past hurts.

I think it is nearly impossible to really let go into true physical intimacy without feeling pure love and trust for your partner in a full emotional and spiritual sense. I am talking about a love and trust that goes far beyond what is known as "passion".

My W has similar feelings. I know we have to build that kind of R, and maybe that's were I'M failing. Maybe it'll just take a little longer for me to become the kind of man she can purely love and trust. I keep thinking I'm there, but maybe not yet.

Regarding sex. She said that it took her a long time to become comfortable with me. I did'nt notice anything. I mean she seemed to have orgasms regularly. I ALWAYS took my time to make sure she was satisfied, mostly before me. She NEVER refused my advances, and ALWAYS seemed to enjoy our sexual encounters be it in the bathroom, on the couch, in front of the fire, at the office, or in the bed. I sure had fun, and she thanked me many times, said she loved my member. Things changed abruptly for me, but she said her feelings had been decreasing for several years.

We had a close family member die suddenly about 10 years ago. I did'nt know it at the time, but my W said she made the concious decision to detach from me at that time. She did'nt want to be left a helpless widow, feeling the pain of loosing her sould mate, so she decided to detach from me. In retrospect she knows it was a mistake for her to do that, but unfortunately she's not able to reverse it. That's what she apologizes to me for, that was her part in our M failing.

I really want this M to work out. I want our kid's to have one home to live in, and for them to not have to deal with step parents. I want to ML to my W again. I did'nt realize how attached I had become to her, until she left me. Now she's back, we're together, but we're still not completely together.

We'll get there though, or I'll die trying. The bad guy is not going to win this one. It aint over until that final bell rings for me to go home. In the name of God I'll stand and breath life into these dry bones. I fear nothing; death, disease, and destruction. No I was put on this earth for a reason and a purpose and I will see this through until the end.

I appreciate all of you who are helping me through this. I've really been struggling, tempted to do things I should'nt do. Continued prayers are welcome.

God Bless,

COG