Geez, is it that obvious? Christmas season has been very hard on me ever since we got M. W just goes into a zone, almost like just goes away for a month. I'm left wondering WTF is happening, and hating this season of drought.
I help out with dishes, and whatever I can to help her with stuff, but it just seems the more time she finds, the more stuff she decides to take on. She stays up late getting stuff done, then is easily upset when things don't go right. I know it's pretty normal, but it still sucks. So that's my Christmas rant.
Now to the R. We went to a 50th BDay party of a relative a few nights ago. All couples kind of party. It was a really nice party, but the distance between us was iluminated, made obvious. So that brought us both down. As we were walking to the car in the dark after the party, I reached out to hold her hand. She held it for about five seconds, then had to readjust her coat or something and did'nt reach back for it.
I'm very special to her, she tells me that often, but there's just no chemistry right now. She has no desire for physical intimacy. She's as frustrated about it as I am. She admits we're great friends, we cohabitate wonderfully, and we're fantastic partners. She just can't go to intimacy.
I have asked her what she needs from me, and her response is "time and space". I am getting very frustrated, loosing my patience with her. She lives for her friends and our kids. She wants to stay M, live together, but it seems so fake. I've been thinking about leaving, and I'm mostly fine with that, until I start thinking about the kid's and that stops me dead in my tracks. Sadly, I think that's her only reason too.
Things were great back in February when we got back together, but the distance has slowly grown. We both agree that we thought it would be easier than it has been. She does'nt want to talk to any C about it, or read anything either. Does'nt much want to even talk to me about it. It just frustrates her more.
I've also noticed we've fallen back into our old routines. She never sits down until it's bedtime. Then she reads until lights out. I'm bored so I watch TV, then just fall asleep while she's reading. When I help her around the house, that just gives her more time to take on other projects. One thing that pisses me off is that she complained that I never supported her, we never spent time together, etc. But it was always her that was too friggin busy doing crap. I was bored off my ass and I'm getting that way again. She's always so bubbly and lovey, and happy, and jolly around other people, but then just like a statue when I'm around.
I'm not going back into the dark pit that I was in a couple of years ago. I'll not let that happen to me again. I have a good life, good friends, good family and I'm not afraid to be a single man. I am however, very reluctant to hurt my kids and I know it would hurt them if we D or separated again.
This scene will all play out in God's time. So far she continues to be polite, supportive, and includes me in things. We still hug and kiss daily, likes friends would do, but it's better than nothing for now. There is still hope and potential in our sitch and I just have to stick it out for awhile longer.
Thanks for checking in on me, thanks for being true friends, and thanks for listening to me vent. I feel better already.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
