Whenever you get back to the boards after the holidays, please see my new thread. I had to read it again this morning myself to make sure it was real. I have received the first visible sign (to me) that I can not give up yet. I want to share what happened with you and get your opinion. I think you might be surprised as I was at this breakthrough.
A long road is ahead for sure, but this is the first time in a couple of months that I have felt there is something to keep fighting for even though I have moved out of the house.
I have heard alot about you from the posts on MLC. I was wondering if you could drop by my thread and see what you think. I could really use some advice about how to handle the situation with H and OW coming to S17's sporting events together.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
COG, it's okay to be discouraged, and to want more from a marriage than what you're getting. I know you've said that you'd put up with no sex for the rest of your life, but would you really? I mean, really? What kind of marriage is that? Unless that's what you really want, which I don't think is the case.
It's not just a matter of satisfying an urge; it's also an emotional need. You are missing out on a large part of a marriage.
You've talked a lot about what you've been doing for your W to make her comfortable, but has she told you what she needs? If not, she needs to think about that and let you know; otherwise, you're working in the dark, and that's not fair.
COG, you've been a huge help and tremendous inspiration to many of us here, and not just because you seem to have had success, but because of who YOU are, because of your faith and your inner strength. You are a good man, and I KNOW that God would want you to have the most fulfilling life possible.
I will be praying for you, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Geez, is it that obvious? Christmas season has been very hard on me ever since we got M. W just goes into a zone, almost like just goes away for a month. I'm left wondering WTF is happening, and hating this season of drought.
I help out with dishes, and whatever I can to help her with stuff, but it just seems the more time she finds, the more stuff she decides to take on. She stays up late getting stuff done, then is easily upset when things don't go right. I know it's pretty normal, but it still sucks. So that's my Christmas rant.
Now to the R. We went to a 50th BDay party of a relative a few nights ago. All couples kind of party. It was a really nice party, but the distance between us was iluminated, made obvious. So that brought us both down. As we were walking to the car in the dark after the party, I reached out to hold her hand. She held it for about five seconds, then had to readjust her coat or something and did'nt reach back for it.
I'm very special to her, she tells me that often, but there's just no chemistry right now. She has no desire for physical intimacy. She's as frustrated about it as I am. She admits we're great friends, we cohabitate wonderfully, and we're fantastic partners. She just can't go to intimacy.
I have asked her what she needs from me, and her response is "time and space". I am getting very frustrated, loosing my patience with her. She lives for her friends and our kids. She wants to stay M, live together, but it seems so fake. I've been thinking about leaving, and I'm mostly fine with that, until I start thinking about the kid's and that stops me dead in my tracks. Sadly, I think that's her only reason too.
Things were great back in February when we got back together, but the distance has slowly grown. We both agree that we thought it would be easier than it has been. She does'nt want to talk to any C about it, or read anything either. Does'nt much want to even talk to me about it. It just frustrates her more.
I've also noticed we've fallen back into our old routines. She never sits down until it's bedtime. Then she reads until lights out. I'm bored so I watch TV, then just fall asleep while she's reading. When I help her around the house, that just gives her more time to take on other projects. One thing that pisses me off is that she complained that I never supported her, we never spent time together, etc. But it was always her that was too friggin busy doing crap. I was bored off my ass and I'm getting that way again. She's always so bubbly and lovey, and happy, and jolly around other people, but then just like a statue when I'm around.
I'm not going back into the dark pit that I was in a couple of years ago. I'll not let that happen to me again. I have a good life, good friends, good family and I'm not afraid to be a single man. I am however, very reluctant to hurt my kids and I know it would hurt them if we D or separated again.
This scene will all play out in God's time. So far she continues to be polite, supportive, and includes me in things. We still hug and kiss daily, likes friends would do, but it's better than nothing for now. There is still hope and potential in our sitch and I just have to stick it out for awhile longer.
Thanks for checking in on me, thanks for being true friends, and thanks for listening to me vent. I feel better already.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
PLEASE don't get mad at me or become defensive. I do not know your wife so my comments are not to put her down in any way.
As I have already shared with you in previous posts, I made my Husband absolutely miserable because of my lack of desire in the bedroom.
He told me recently that I made him feel so undesirable and unattractive in the past because of the lack of physical intimacy.
I also made other people more important then my Husband. I was very involved in different circles and I also made Christmas into a huge ordeal and made the rest of the family miserable.
COG I am the first to admit how screwed up I had things in my head. It only changed because I began to listen to my Husband and began to see the pain in his face and his heart.
Your wife may be a wonderful woman, BUT if you read the books I have recommended you will see that a woman works differently then a man does in the bedroom. Men are usually ready to go most of the time. A woman takes her time and sometimes almost has to be coaxed into it.
It is like jumping into a swimming pool. Once you take that first step you find out that you actually like it, it's just getting to that point.
COG it is selfishness and I know how hard you have worked to get to this place but settleing isn't always the answer either.
You deserve to be loved wholey and fully.
How do we get your wife to listen and actually hear what you are saying?
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Well I'm very glad for your H that you figured things out, and realized how important sex is to him.
Quote: A woman takes her time and sometimes almost has to be coaxed into it.
You're preaching to the choir here. I've ALWAYS been the coaxer in our M, except maybe twice in 17 years. I really don't mind coaxing her, but the problem is she does'nt want to be coaxed. It bothers her to be coaxed.
Quote: It is like jumping into a swimming pool. Once you take that first step you find out that you actually like it, it's just getting to that point.
I wish that were true with my W, but it does'nt seem to be. I "coaxed" her into ML a few months back. I thought it was nice, she got into it, but I paid for it next morning. She was very cold, and offish, like I forced her or something. She cooled offed eventually, but that was the last time she let me try to coax her. I've asked if there was something I did that she did'nt like, or whatever. She says no, she's just not into it.
Quote: How do we get your wife to listen and actually hear what you are saying?
She listens and hears alright. She knows exactly how it hurts me, how I feel about it, she's just not willing, or able to change. I think the real question is, how to help her or motivate her to change.
She's of the mind that things should just flow naturally. It should just be easy, we should'nt have to work at it. That's a difficult attitude for me to accept too. I've worked pretty hard the last few years, and I'm a much better person because of it. If I had'nt worked at it, I would'nt have changed.
Quote: BUT if you read the books I have recommended you will see that a woman works differently then a man does in the bedroom.
I'll get the books and read them. I'll keep working at it.
I think I'll share some of your posts with my W.
Thank You, God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Did your wife ever have something negative happen to her sexually. For example, was there any abuse in her life? Was there a difficult childbirth that made things painful for her?
Another issue, CONTROL.
I just read recently that many woman who are "together" and have this need to have things in total order don't like sex because they feel that during an orgasm they may lose control. They can not allow themselves to reach this point because it is something they can not control.
Another issue is vulnerability. Making ourselves vulnerable in the bedroom is hard. Allowing that part of us to be totally exposed especially after going through such a rocky period.
I am just throwing these things out there because the problem is about her not you. Something is going on in her head.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
It seems like sex was a really big issue for a lot of us. My H thought he was a great lover (not implying anything here, COG!), but there were a lot of things he did that I didn't like...and I never said anything. When this was going on, I was mad. How could he not know? Now I see that the poor guy needed more obvious clues, like OUCH! STOP!! lolol
Anyway, as our R deteriorated, I didn't consciously withhold sex, but my desire waned to nothing. It was partly bad sex, parly hormonal, partly due to medications, but largely due to unresolved anger about other issues (as I see now). Because I was angry with my H, I never made any real effort to resolve my problems with desire. Oh, I said I was trying, and I did make some token efforts, but I did not COMMIT to changing. As you said above, that is the key: she must really WANT to change, and for some reason, she doesn't.
COG, I think you're going to have to lay it on the line with her. She needs to know that this is a deal-breaker for you (if it is). Once you decide in your heart what you really want and need, I think you will know what to do. You will have to be resolved in your own mind b/c you will have to be strong to follow through on whatever you decide.
God bless, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Quote: Did your wife ever have something negative happen to her sexually.
Well, the only thing she mentioned to me is that one of my elderly male relatives, sort of slipped her the tongue, on two different occasions. Yah, I know it's the gross stuff that make laughs at the movies but just is disgusting in real life. She did'nt want to tell me for a long time, but I'm glad she did. This was one of my relatives that she had a lot of respect for, until that happened. Now she can't stand to be around him and I don't blame her at all. In fact, I've told her I'd confront him about it if she wanted me to. The thing is he's an alchoholic and would'nt remember anything anyway, he was drunk both times it happened. On the goodbye kiss. FYI, I don't kiss people on the lips very often, I'm a hugger, or a peck on the cheek kind of guy. But she kisses people on the lips often. It's her way of greeting friends and family.
Quote: I just read recently that many woman who are "together" and have this need to have things in total order don't like sex because they feel that during an orgasm they may lose control. They can not allow themselves to reach this point because it is something they can not control.
Oh I think that may have some merit. She is definately a control freak, and admit's that she's never just let go during orgasm. I don't think she's really afraid of making herself vulnerable. I think to a certain extent she still holds some resentment. She resents the fact that I was'nt there for her for all those years, and now I just expect her to turn back on.
Quote: I am just throwing these things out there because the problem is about her not you. Something is going on in her head.
Oh I am very aware of that. I know I've got my head on straight and she's still stuck somewhere, letting her demons, negative thoughts, or bad memories rule her. Could also be that she's just not attracted to me. Whatever! I know a lot of other women that are.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
