Now that she's read the website with you, she can go back and look through it on her own. I think you're wise to back off now--you guys have discussed it, and she recognizes that she needs to take some steps out of her comfort zone and that you aren't pressuring her to do that before she's ready.
FWIW, I didn't know how to tell my H to FO when he was being judgmental or controlling, either. I was afraid that if I told him how I really felt, "something bad" would happen. I don't even know what I feared, really. Anyway, I don't know if that gives any insight into what your W feels or not, but there it is.
I was thinking about what my W has asked of me, what she wants from me right now. 1) Patience - I think I'm doing pretty good with that, W even says so. 2) Have no Expectations - That's my struggle. I expect certain things from her, sex being one of them. I mean, should'nt a H expect a little sex in a M. Is'nt it a God given right? I'll answer that myself.
In a Godly M, I think yes. However, our M was not Godly, I was not Godly, not even close. The pain that I caused my W may have caused irreprable damage. Like if an arm is cut off, a new one does'nt grow, unless your a lizard or something. Anyway, even if it's not all the way cut off, just damaged, the scar, and the memory of the pain remain. So in that case, I don't believe I have the right to expect it, not after the things I did, and did'nt do that hurt her.
So, at W's request, I think I need to let go my expectations of physical intimacy. At least for now.
3)Enjoy the great R we have right now - I need to get better at that. I need to be joyful, and let the real COG shine through. The happy COG, the enthusiastic, and funny COG. The wild and crazy COG. Definately not needy, worried, wimpy, self pitying COG.
Let the chips fall where they may.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
COG You really have a great atttitude. I am glad you are happy and that you can be patient.
It wasn't until I stopped being so selfish and began to understand what sex really meant to my Husband that things really began to change in that area.
I think that my rejection of him caused alot of harm. I thought that to a man it was just a physical release, I had no clue that as a man it is also an expression of love, and that it really makes him feel good in the sense that he is showing love to his wife, it is another way of expressing love.
It was so hard to step out of the box I had put myself in and make myself vulnerable. To allow myself to enjoy sex again with him and actually understand what sex meant to my Husband.
In many ways it showed him how much I loved him and I am so happy that I took that plunge. We are now able to actually talk about sex and it has actually become really fun,
But it was a lot of hard work to get there.
Hang in there COG, maybe she may be your Christmas gift and you will get to unwrap her
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Quote: It wasn't until I stopped being so selfish and began to understand what sex really meant to my Husband that things really began to change in that area.
Thank God you did that, it must have been very hard. What made you stop being selfish, and learn what sex really meant to H. What motivated you to change?
Quote: It was so hard to step out of the box I had put myself in and make myself vulnerable. To allow myself to enjoy sex again with him and actually understand what sex meant to my Husband.
I can tell you without any reservation, that is probably the greatest thing you could have ever done for him. I pray my W get's to that point some day.
Quote: Hang in there COG, maybe she may be your Christmas gift and you will get to unwrap her
I'll definately not expect that, but I'll definately accept that! Thanks!
God Bless,
COG
PS I highly doubt that my W will visit themarriagebed website on her own, but just in case, I'm going to email her with a link to it anyway.
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
In regards to sex, I think woman have two different schools of thought.
They think that men only see it as a means of physical release, so they "allow" their Husband to have sex with them and grin and bear it.
They also use it as a "reward" or a tool to manipulate. Not as an act of love.
While on my own little journey of self, I did so much reading and stopped trying to learn about MLC but rather about myself.
Taking that hard look at myself and seeing who I really was. Nope, it wasn't very pretty
Much like you I saw that there were many times that my Husband tried so hard to please me and I did not appreciate his efforts or make him feel loved.
I will not make any excuses but having so many children back to back, I made my "mommy" role the priority not my role as a "wife".
The second school of thought , which is where I am now, is that once you take that plunge and actually get into it, it really can be fun and very gratifying.
It also is a great stress reliever during PMS and it helps so much to build the bond which was broken.
I want to be a part of that enjoyment with my Husband and I want that connection with him. I now hear so many wonderful things and he is much more willing to please me because I have become receptive to his needs as well as my own.
It is a choice.
For women they need to have sex with their Husbands. Either do it willingly and reap the wonderful rewards not only physically but emotionally too, or do it and complain about it and act like a freaking martyr and watch your marriage crumble.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Thanks for sharing, and congrats on finding your way through that tangle.
I'm going to share our interaction with my W. She might be interested to hear from someone who's been there and done that.
Curious. How did you go about taking that first step back into sexual intimacy? Did you start back into sex at the "grin and bear it" stage and eventually evolve to "it really can be fun and very gratifying"? OR, did you change your attitude first, and then jump right into "it really can be fun and very gratifying"?
Quote: I will not make any excuses but having so many children back to back, I made my "mommy" role the priority not my role as a "wife".
I think my W struggles with that a little too, and I understand why. She had four kids in 6 years. I don't particularly enjoy it, but at least I can understand.
Quote: It also is a great stress reliever during PMS and it helps so much to build the bond which was broken.
Now that's just what the doctor ordered!Now how do you get a doctor to write a prescription for sex?
Quote: I want to be a part of that enjoyment with my Husband and I want that connection with him. I now hear so many wonderful things and he is much more willing to please me because I have become receptive to his needs as well as my own.
That is beautiful!
Thanks,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
It was a mental game for me. First I went and bought sexy panties and bras and other sundry items. I had a Brazilian wax done. I began to wear make up again. I started to dress better and that made me feel better. I started to smile a little more. I lost 40 pounds. I read books and posts and went on line to check out things about other women and low sex drives.
I made sure that each time my Husband saw me there was a subtle touch, a hug, I paid him a compliment, asked his opinion, flirted a little.
The first time he initiated ML again I was terrified because I was so afraid of dissapointing him again, BUT he noticed all of the little things I had been doing to make myself feel sensuous, and he was thrilled.
Unfortunately our visits together are so short but he will be home permanently soon and we are now in such a better place.
Sometimes I feel like a teenager again. He will call me and let me know EXACTLY what he is thinking about. Sex has become comfortable and it is no longer taboo.
We were talking this morning about some things and I told him that I was looking forward to our first fight. Yes that sounds strange, but I told him that I was really looking forward to the make up sex afterwards!
COG, our sex drives change so much after having children. I have been pregnant 12 times, I lost 4. My hormones and my body were so screwed up. I had 30 pounds to lose and I had depression and anxiety.
The trouble was I just didn't understand any of my feelings let alone my Husbands. It didn't mean that I didn't love him, I just was so exhausted from everything that I made him last on the list.
I am thankful that we are at a place now that we can talk about some of the past issues and he is so grateful that I made those changes.
I still have issues with some of the things my Husband does and doesn't do, but I think they will resolve themselves in time.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Thanks for sharing that. Our sitch's are a little different, of course. My W just has NO desire for physical intimacy. She just feels like I'm a good friend, not a lover. I've tried to explain how important sex is for me, and I think she understands. She just has NO desire, NO energy, NO nothing in terms of physical intimacy beyond the standard twice a day peck on the lips, and a hug, and an occasional cuddle which I always have to initiate. She's just not budging. We started out the year pretty good, had a few flings, but this last quarter has been completely dry.
It's not a deal breaker yet. I'm still hanging in there and hoping for a change. She's never been very assertive about sex. I've been the initiator every time for 18 years except maybe twice. I believe it can all turn around, changes can be made, miracles happen. But I can honestly say that I'm gettin tired and bored.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
