New to Piecing

[happy_again]

I know you and I didn't hit it off to well several months ago but I do read the things you write to others here and i have noticed one thing in your sitch and albeit you seem ok with it I don't believe you are, not for a minute. For months and months you and your wife are reconciled but there is no sex. She leads you on, teases you and then drops the ball every time.you are just best friends. are you sure she has the same goals as you do in this marriage? yes you both may love each other but you are a frustrated man and are getting no satisfaction from living like a monk.maybe you should buy the sex starved marriage book it may help you and your wife.

[COG]

Finally Free,

I know you and I didn't hit it off to well several months ago

No problem! I'm glad to hear from you.

For months and months you and your wife are reconciled but there is no sex. She leads you on, teases you and then drops the ball every time.

Well that's partly true. Your right about sex being elusive to us. You are wrong about her teasing and then dropping the ball. She's sensitive to my position, so she definately makes it clear what HER intentions are and are not. In other words, she's not swinging like a pendulum, but she's definately not able or willing to go deep. She's very concious about NOT teasing me, but sometimes I wish she would tease a little.

are you sure she has the same goals as you do in this marriage?

We both want the same thing, but we're on different paths going different speeds when it comes to physical intimacy. She says she wants it to happen, and her actions more or less support that. She says she's sorry, and that her lack of "feelings" pisses her off. She wants it as much as I do. She's frustrated because she had it once, lost it, and can't seem to find it again.

yes you both may love each other but you are a frustrated man and are getting no satisfaction from living like a monk.

Well, again yes and no. First, I don't live like a monk, that's a promise. I have a VERY full life, and enjoy most all of it. There are times when I get frustrated, I'd be lying if I said there were'nt. Lacking that intimate connection with my W is HUGE.

We both agree that our reconciliation has been harder than we both thought it would be. I don't know all the why's and wherefore's, but all I know is that what we're doing is right and best for both of us and for our family. We try to take the days one at a time.

My challenge is to be patient, as if I have'nt already been patient enough. But that's OK, this is my calling right now. One thing is for sure, things will change. I will survive, grow, and thrive no matter what happens. My W is a tough gal, she's a trooper. She keeps hanging in there, hoping, praying and working on developing the feelings she needs and wants so she can be intimate. She takes great care of me, the kid's, and herself. She's mostly very kind, supportive, friendly, and a great companion. She invites me to all of her functions, and attends all of mine. Virtually everything in our R is way above average, except the sack time. I know, it's weird, especially considering our level of intimacy early in M. But that's just where we are in life right now. It'll change, there's no doubt about that.

Do I get frustrated? Absolutely. But thinking back in my history there's NEVER been a time that I was completely fulfilled. And I've been with some beautiful women. There are times when I see my W running around doing things for anyone and everyone that comes knocking at the door. She never sits down and hardly sleeps. She is a human dinamo, supermom, superwoman. But she's not able to lay down still, and share her body with me. Yep, that hurts. And you are right, I do carry that pain with me, and it gets to me sometimes.

W and I talk about this stuff regularly. It's not something either one of us keeps bottled up. She's angry at herself, frustrated that she just can't get herself to be intimate. We're both frustrated about the same thing, just looking at it from different perspectives.

There's a lot of good things in our R, MANY good, warm, and loving things that we do for and with each other. Right, we're not ga ga madly IL, in passionate embrace. But we're hoping, praying and working on that. We both realize it's necessary if our M is going to grow and survive. I think it's only a matter of time. Everything else that we've prayed for has been granted us. Why should we doubt this?

I have options. I could leave the M, and probably be getting laid in a few weeks. A guy like me is in big demand on the singles scene. I'd be sexually fulfilled, but what about the rest of life? How would my R with my kid's be impacted. Would my new babe be supportive of my X and my kids. Blah Blah Blah. I'm not defending, I'm just sharing my thought process with you so you can see where I'm coming from.

Anyway, sexually frustrated I am, but more is the lack of the deep and enduring love I relate to sex with her. So the big question is, what can I do to help get her to that place or at least not get in the way?

It's funny you asked because I have two copies of SSM and I've never gotten past the first chapter. I was thinking about it this morning, and I thought I might go ahead and read it, and maybe offer to read some to my W. She'll never read it on her own, she's not in to self help(and that's a little frustrating too).

OK, you probably got more of a response than you thought, but you were very intuitive and timely with your post.

The bottom line here, and what keeps me hopeful, is that W and I have overcome some huge obstacles already, and I see this as just one more step. Any ideas or input as to how to get there quicker would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks and God Bless,

COG

[amd]

COG, I read SSM last year and recognized a lot of myself and my H in it. Give it a read and see what you think.

What are your respective LL's?

[brandnewday]

Hi COG
(Seems like we are all coming out of the woodwork)!

I just read your post and I am pleased that you and your wife are becoming best friends again, that is wonderful.

I am a little hesitant about posting to you because most of my posts to you get ignored but I will go ahead and see what happens...

I am sorry that the one area that is lacking is taking so long to get to. I haven't read the SSM myself but have read great reviews about it.

Whilst going through my 2 years of celibacy I read some things on www.themarriagebed.com that helped me to understand things a little better.

I had no idea that men and women view sex so differently. I didn't realize that for men sex is also an emotional experience as well as a physical one.

During the marriage, before MLC, I was the LD partner and was so busy with the children, the house, and all of the other things I really had no interest in sex.

I spent alot of time in the evenings just cuddling up with my Husband, watching TV, we went on dates and really had fun together, but sex was something that I feel I almost had to be coaxed into.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it once we got there but was usually so fatigued that it really was of no importance to me.
I had a frustrated Husband!!
But I was too selfish to recognize this was a huge problem.

I guess it wasn't until the bomb was dropped and we were separated that I actually began to miss the physical intimacy.

I also have used the past couple of years to work on myself, and do 180's that actually surprise myself.
My Husband is thrilled with the changes and tells me all of the time how happy he is with me.

I am sharing these things with you because it is my own opinion that your wife needs to just take the plunge and do it.
Kinda like stepping off of a diving board.

Sometimes you just have to talk yourself into it and step outside of your comfort zone and try something new.

I am sure you want her to be the one to initiate when she is truly ready to be comfortable with sex again and I know you are a very patient man.

I know you are very happy with all that you have accomplished so far in your relationship and you really have come full circle.

But there are needs that we all have.

Maybe I am rambling on now, and forgive me if I am not making sense.But there needs to be action behind the words.

If you keep on telling her what you need and she is listening and not doing anything about it do you not find yourself being ignored?
Do you not find this behavior selfish?

I say this only because I saw alot of the damage in my marriage was caused by own selfish ways and not taking my Husband's into consideration.

[COG]

Brandnewday,

My humblest apologies for ignoring you. I've read many of your posts, and don't usually respond because, well you pretty much say it right and complete so there's not much to add or debate.

If you keep on telling her what you need and she is listening and not doing anything about it do you not find yourself being ignored?
Do you not find this behavior selfish?

Well she does'nt really ignore me, she's just not able, or willing, to fulfill my needs. So whats the next step. What can I do? She is the perfect W in all other aspects, bar none. I can push, pull, and complain, which will result in another separation for us. Or, I can be patient, supportive, and proactive. I try not to add pressure to the sitch, but at the same time she needs to know how I really feel about it. So I do my best to bring up the subject at the appropriate times, in non-confrontational ways. I describe how it feels when I'm rejected by her, when she stops me from caressing her, etc. I describe how it makes me feel like a leper or something. She gets it, she knows it hurts me, but she's just not able to do anything about it.

Please don't get me wrong, 90 percent of my time on this earth is spent with joy in my heart. I'm a happy guy with a very fun life. I have so many other interests that my life does not revolve around sex.

I am sharing these things with you because it is my own opinion that your wife needs to just take the plunge and do it.
Kinda like stepping off of a diving board.

Well, according to her she has. We had many a makeout session for a period of about 6 months, ML a couple of times. She understands how important it is for me, but she's just not able to do it. Side Note: She has said that when she was little, her mom told her that sex was dirty. That could be significant, or maybe not. But she obviously did'nt grow up thinking sex was wonderful, probably the opposite.

She keeps working on herself. I'm not sure what exactly she's doing, but she says she's working on it. She said that during our separation too, and I never could see what she was doing, but she obviously did something because we're back together.

So, I go on trusting her, believing in her, supporting her, encouraging her, being the best friend I can be. I think it's the right attitude. We ended our separation and are really very compatible together. So I'm hoping the same attitude will dissolve whatever needs to be dissolved, and nuture whatever needs nuturing, so that we can run naked through the daisy's again.

Thanks for posting.

God Bless,

COG

[COG]

amd,

My love language is physical touch. I never really knew that before W and I separated. She touched me so much, almost too much that I just took it for granted. Now that she's not very touchy/feely I realize just how much I miss it. Typical human!

I'm not exactly sure what her LL is, she's a little protective of it. I believe it's kind words, support, honor, etc. She's said that she's had self esteem issue's, and my pre-separation personality really beat her down. I was critical, judgemental, and almost never complimented her. I wish she would have just told me to FO when I was out of line, but she did'nt know how to do that, and took things very personally. She was'nt raised having to deal with a judgemental and controlling jerk, so she did'nt know how to deal with it.

That's part of the reason why she's still struggling about being intimate. She keeps saying that early in our M she would have just melted at the things I'm doing now, but now she's just not receptive to it. She's having a hard time letting go of those old memories of me. It's almost like as if I had physically abused her. Part of her won't allow herself to be vulnerable again, and I can't blame her for that. If there's any blame, it should be mine. I was gifted the world, and I destroyed it. I don't harbor guilt, I recognize that I just did'nt have the training. My hereditary weaknesses passed on. I'm actually very proud of myself, and W is too, that I actually broke the cycle. I'm a changed man for sure, and I love the person I see in the mirror.

She was VERY into physical intimacy early in our M, and I was lukewarm. Now I'm very into it, and she's not. We look each other in the eye, and say that if we can just get on the same page, our R will be SO beautiful. I truly believe we WILL get there. She's still very hopeful, but not as confident as I am. She has so much love in her heart, she has a fireball exterior, yet she is so fragile and sensitive inside. We're trying to nurse her back to health.

I'm doing my best to stay alert to her love language. I keep the compliments, gratitude, support, and kind words flowing. She acknowledges and appreciates my behaivior and admits that she's sorry she can't speak my LL.

We all know the older we get, the harder it is to learn a new language. But anything is possible with God, my ace in the hole.

God Bless,

COG

[brandnewday]

COG
I just started reading a really great book.
Mars and Venus in the Bedroom.
A real eyeopener!!

[toughlover]

Hey I don't know if she'd be open to it, but the book "Sacred Marriage" really gets into the role sex and affection play in Christian marriage.

The gist of the book is, "What if God designed marriage to make us holy rather than happy?"

The gist of the sex chapter concerning wives is, essentially, that sexual activity is only really blessed when it occurs between man and woman, together, in marriage, so for a woman to deny her husband sex (assuming the husband is not abusive in any way) is to cut him off from the only sexual companionship and outlet he is allowed.

I realize she probably wouldn't respond well to your telling her that...but the sex part is toward the back of the book. Do you think she'd be open to studying the entire book with you? Maybe by the time she got to that chapter, she'd be more open?

[COG]

Brandnewday,

Mars and Venus in the Bedroom sounds like a good one.

FYI, after I read your post yesterday evening I invited my W to sit with me and visit "themarriagebed.com". We spent about an hour reading through things. It was a little tense, my W would rather just ignore the problem, but she admitted that she needs to step out of her comfort zone.

So I was a little glad to read the part that said most people would just rather ignore the problem, which never goes away when ignored. I think she got that message. We talked alot about each other. If something seemed applicable to us, we'd mention and discuss it as we read. We ended up talking about how we felt when we first saw each other, when we first dated, when we first M, and what a great R we have now, but how it suck's that we are where we are today with physical intimaacy. We talked about how we got messed up, and what progress we've made.

All in all a good evening, but I definately need to lay off for awhile. Give her space, and not push it, or bring it up for awhile. One step at a time.

God Bless,

COG

[COG]

Toughlover,

She already knows it's not right to cut me off sexually, but she just does'nt seem to be able to do the right thing right now. So, that's her choice, and I've got choices too. Don't think it's in the cards for her to read anything on the subject, especially not something from me. Nope, I trust God, trust the process, and I'm confident that something will happen to change her feelings. All I can do is work on ME. Keep growing, healing, and spreading the joy.

Thanks for checking in.

God Bless,

COG