New to Piecing

[COG]

Finally Free,

I know you and I didn't hit it off to well several months ago

No problem! I'm glad to hear from you.

For months and months you and your wife are reconciled but there is no sex. She leads you on, teases you and then drops the ball every time.

Well that's partly true. Your right about sex being elusive to us. You are wrong about her teasing and then dropping the ball. She's sensitive to my position, so she definately makes it clear what HER intentions are and are not. In other words, she's not swinging like a pendulum, but she's definately not able or willing to go deep. She's very concious about NOT teasing me, but sometimes I wish she would tease a little.

are you sure she has the same goals as you do in this marriage?

We both want the same thing, but we're on different paths going different speeds when it comes to physical intimacy. She says she wants it to happen, and her actions more or less support that. She says she's sorry, and that her lack of "feelings" pisses her off. She wants it as much as I do. She's frustrated because she had it once, lost it, and can't seem to find it again.

yes you both may love each other but you are a frustrated man and are getting no satisfaction from living like a monk.

Well, again yes and no. First, I don't live like a monk, that's a promise. I have a VERY full life, and enjoy most all of it. There are times when I get frustrated, I'd be lying if I said there were'nt. Lacking that intimate connection with my W is HUGE.

We both agree that our reconciliation has been harder than we both thought it would be. I don't know all the why's and wherefore's, but all I know is that what we're doing is right and best for both of us and for our family. We try to take the days one at a time.

My challenge is to be patient, as if I have'nt already been patient enough. But that's OK, this is my calling right now. One thing is for sure, things will change. I will survive, grow, and thrive no matter what happens. My W is a tough gal, she's a trooper. She keeps hanging in there, hoping, praying and working on developing the feelings she needs and wants so she can be intimate. She takes great care of me, the kid's, and herself. She's mostly very kind, supportive, friendly, and a great companion. She invites me to all of her functions, and attends all of mine. Virtually everything in our R is way above average, except the sack time. I know, it's weird, especially considering our level of intimacy early in M. But that's just where we are in life right now. It'll change, there's no doubt about that.

Do I get frustrated? Absolutely. But thinking back in my history there's NEVER been a time that I was completely fulfilled. And I've been with some beautiful women. There are times when I see my W running around doing things for anyone and everyone that comes knocking at the door. She never sits down and hardly sleeps. She is a human dinamo, supermom, superwoman. But she's not able to lay down still, and share her body with me. Yep, that hurts. And you are right, I do carry that pain with me, and it gets to me sometimes.

W and I talk about this stuff regularly. It's not something either one of us keeps bottled up. She's angry at herself, frustrated that she just can't get herself to be intimate. We're both frustrated about the same thing, just looking at it from different perspectives.

There's a lot of good things in our R, MANY good, warm, and loving things that we do for and with each other. Right, we're not ga ga madly IL, in passionate embrace. But we're hoping, praying and working on that. We both realize it's necessary if our M is going to grow and survive. I think it's only a matter of time. Everything else that we've prayed for has been granted us. Why should we doubt this?

I have options. I could leave the M, and probably be getting laid in a few weeks. A guy like me is in big demand on the singles scene. I'd be sexually fulfilled, but what about the rest of life? How would my R with my kid's be impacted. Would my new babe be supportive of my X and my kids. Blah Blah Blah. I'm not defending, I'm just sharing my thought process with you so you can see where I'm coming from.

Anyway, sexually frustrated I am, but more is the lack of the deep and enduring love I relate to sex with her. So the big question is, what can I do to help get her to that place or at least not get in the way?

It's funny you asked because I have two copies of SSM and I've never gotten past the first chapter. I was thinking about it this morning, and I thought I might go ahead and read it, and maybe offer to read some to my W. She'll never read it on her own, she's not in to self help(and that's a little frustrating too).

OK, you probably got more of a response than you thought, but you were very intuitive and timely with your post.

The bottom line here, and what keeps me hopeful, is that W and I have overcome some huge obstacles already, and I see this as just one more step. Any ideas or input as to how to get there quicker would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks and God Bless,

COG