Fresh off of a spiritual retreat two weekends ago. Last night driving down the road I had a bit of a revelation. It became very clear to me where I was a few years ago.
W and I were separated, or close to it. I was standing for the M. I was willing to do anything, try anything to make it work. I had the Bible, two C's, a priest, a couple of pastor's, my kid's, virtually all of my freinds, and most of the family her's and mine, all behind me. My W was basically on an the island of self absorption, and selfishness. Nobody understood what she was doing. She was sick, depressed, really screwed up; Or so I thought?
What came clear to me yesterday was that my REAL motivation back then was myself, not my M. I wanted things back the way they were. I wanted her to love me, to serve me, to give me sex, to be nice to me, to allow me to control her, to allow me to critisize her, to allow me to judge her, to allow me to change her, to allow me to make her feel insignificant, unimportant, and below me. I wanted her to come back under my control.
What came clear to me last night, was that my W was actually the one who was standing for the M. She was not willing to settle for a pretend M, it was the real thing or nothing for her. There was no inbetween.
I hid behind my support network under the guise of righteousness, and of God's word. But I was a wolf in sheeps clothing. I just wanted my selfish and needy demands met. I wanted a slave, and I did'nt think I needed to change very much.
My W stood for M, and she stood ALONE! She's the hero in my sitch. She had the ball's to say no to shallowness and yes only to truth, depth, and honor! She would'nt settle for anything less than the real deal. I am so glad she waited for me to wake up. Our M gets more and more beautiful and fulfilling every day.
Thank you God for clearing my vision.
Love,
COG
PS We were separated almost four years, and had a legal separation. My C told me many times that it would take a miracle to save my M. Well miracles do happen!
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Absolutely beautiful..... Wow have you become a beautiful Human being!!!
I too feel this way, when others said to just forget about him , how could you forgive him?
I realized he too was waiting for me to be real etc. etc. he himself one day said to me I was waiting sooo long for this and for you to be who you are today. If he forgave me and waited for me how could I not do the same for him?
Thank you for sharing ..... you are amazing. God bless...
I just want to wish you a very happy Thanksgiving. I know that you will be giving thanks for your marital reconciliation, and I want to thank you for all the help and support you've been giving me.
God bless, Nic
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I've had similiar thoughts the last few days. Really seeing who I was a couple of years ago. I remember back about two years ago. It wasn't at all the marriage I was looking to save. It was for me to save face. It was all what you said. Pure selfishness on my part.
It took me a long time to learn what love was. It's come in small steps but I think I might be getting there.
Funny I thought I was so enlightened when all this started. But looking back I was pure ignorance.
What amazing insight, COG, thank you so much for sharing. I emailed it to my H (our Piecing is coming apart), and he's not mentioned it. If you allow it, I'd like to post it on my blog - I would not take credit, but neither would I mention this board or you by name. I usually credit "a wise man (or woman)" when I use someone's insight with their permission. Not to hijack, I am just amazed by your perspective and it was very helpful to me personally so thanks.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Journal: Well we had a very nice Thanksgiving, but a little fireworks yesterday.
This is the first TG that we've done for the family at our house. We had about 20 people over. About six stayed at our house for a few days. It was stressfull at times, but mostly fun. W and I worked very well together the whole time.
So along comes Saturday night. I have this habit, which I really need to let go of, of talking about how I used to enjoy our old sex life. I think it makes her uncomfortable, and it's definately pressure on her. So Sunday morning I could tell W was a little distant from early on and it just kept getting worse as the day wore on. I'm busting my butt putting things away, organizing the garage and she's cleaning the house. But she's just not being very nice. She's snapping at me and just not appreciating me much at all.
So I ask her what's up and I get the "nothing" routine which is very old. So I split and go into town for awhile then come back. The more I think about it, the more ticked I get because I busted my a?? for her the whole weekend and now she's getting bitchy with me. So I pull her aside for a talk.
The gist of it went that she basically says that I'm sort of in her space. I say OK I can deal with that, but that she did'nt have to be a bitch about it. Yes, I actually called her a bitch, which is basically how she was acting. She stomped around a little and brought up some very OLD stuff to try to gain the offensive but I would have nothing to do with it. I was very calm when I told her that "if she wants to live in the past, and carry that garbage with her then that was her choice." She snapped back that people just "don't drop the past and move on like nothing ever happened". I responded that I have a differing opinion, which I did not share with her.
I stood my ground which has been unusual for me over the past couple of years. I drew the line in the sand. Let her know that I was'nt going to allow her to be bitchy with me. That all she has to do is be polite about it if I'm in her space or if I've done something to hurt her. Note that I am very supportive of her bitchiness when it's PMS EVERY month, but this was'nt PMS. It was her deflating after a long weekend with relatives and I just happened to be her whipping boy.
So anyway, she left for a half hour and I took a nap. When she got back, I apologized for calling her a bitch and she apologized for being a bitch. The rest of the night was warm and cozy.
It's hard to set those boundaries sometimes but it's important to do it. It would have been easier for me to just suck it up, but sometimes you've got to stand up for yourself.
I love my W!
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
I was way too much of a wuss in the past and would let it roll off - even when I wasn't deserving of the gift I was being given. W and I had our post TD decompression on Friday AM - and amazing what standing up for yourself can do. Funny, later that day, she came to me and asked "are we okay" to which I said absolutely. It was done, behind us and I stood my ground.
Good stuff.
Thanks for sharing.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
