Fresh off of a spiritual retreat two weekends ago. Last night driving down the road I had a bit of a revelation. It became very clear to me where I was a few years ago.
W and I were separated, or close to it. I was standing for the M. I was willing to do anything, try anything to make it work. I had the Bible, two C's, a priest, a couple of pastor's, my kid's, virtually all of my freinds, and most of the family her's and mine, all behind me. My W was basically on an the island of self absorption, and selfishness. Nobody understood what she was doing. She was sick, depressed, really screwed up; Or so I thought?
What came clear to me yesterday was that my REAL motivation back then was myself, not my M. I wanted things back the way they were. I wanted her to love me, to serve me, to give me sex, to be nice to me, to allow me to control her, to allow me to critisize her, to allow me to judge her, to allow me to change her, to allow me to make her feel insignificant, unimportant, and below me. I wanted her to come back under my control.
What came clear to me last night, was that my W was actually the one who was standing for the M. She was not willing to settle for a pretend M, it was the real thing or nothing for her. There was no inbetween.
I hid behind my support network under the guise of righteousness, and of God's word. But I was a wolf in sheeps clothing. I just wanted my selfish and needy demands met. I wanted a slave, and I did'nt think I needed to change very much.
My W stood for M, and she stood ALONE! She's the hero in my sitch. She had the ball's to say no to shallowness and yes only to truth, depth, and honor! She would'nt settle for anything less than the real deal. I am so glad she waited for me to wake up. Our M gets more and more beautiful and fulfilling every day.
Thank you God for clearing my vision.
Love,
COG
PS We were separated almost four years, and had a legal separation. My C told me many times that it would take a miracle to save my M. Well miracles do happen!
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
