New to Piecing

[COG]

Journaling: W and I keep grinding in the right direction. The last week or two have been rough. She's been a bit tired and cranky. I loose patience and wonder what's happening. Things came to a head two nights ago.

I told her I was'nt happy about things. The lack of attention, physical intimacy and I was wondering if she was "checking out". It was more venting than anything else. So, she just did some venting of her own in return. It was'nt wise of me to bring it all up at 10:00PM bedtime. It did'nt go well, lost some yardage.

However, after two days of us being downers for each other, I fought hard and changed up my attitude. We had a nice long talk this morning. (Mornings, when kids are in school, are much better times to discuss things)We talked about how neither of us is completely happy with things, and that it was much harder than we thought it would be. We also both agreed that we if we can just hang on, we may end up with an incredibly beautiful M. It's definately what BOTH of us want. Anyway, we talked about how far we have come. There have been some truly miraculous healings between us. We ended the convo on a very positive, note. I think our 7 day funk is over.

Some notes to remember:

1) Discuss issues in the morning, after kid's are gone to school. Definately not at bedtime. "I have that habit because it tends to be the only quiet time we have together". Gotta work at that one.

2) The last two days I've been saying "today is a brand new day"! I say it with enthusiasm! My W likes that, she said so. I'm going to stick with that.

3) Count my blessings. W and I have come SOOOO far. It is truly miraculous how far we've come. I'm going to start a list of the good things, the positive growth we've made.

There's one we talked about this morning. The two of us were like oil and water in the kitchen. We got to the point where we could'nt even be in there together. It was so frustrating because I enjoy cooking, but I was a jerk about it. Anyway, I realized this morning how that has completely reversed. Now we are quite comfortable in there together, and we actually make a great team. That's not a baby step, that was a giant step. If we can accomplish that, then we can darn sure figure out how to get our sex life fired up.

5) We also realized how blessed we are to be able to have an open and honest convo with each other. Allowing each other to be who we are, and feel how we feel. Unconditional, supportive, and positive.

Thanks God!

Love,

COG

[toughlover]

Amen! That's awesome and inspirational.

My W and I usually did fine in the kitchen together...it was home improvement projects that we fought over. During our "old marriage," my attitude had become, "there's no way we can work together, so I'll do this but you either have to do it my way, or stay out of my way." Not good.

Well, once we got into MC, one of the first tests of our "new marriage" was to take on an outside project together. Went beautifully. Funny thing was, in the end, I had to do most of it myself anyway (logistical reasons), but it brought us closer instead of pushing us apart.

[princess_nic]

COG -

I'm glad things are moving along well. I'm also pleased that you brought it out into the open, even if your timing wasn't the best. It's so much easier to just ignore the problems and let them fester. It sounds like you were both able to talk about what you want and need from the other, which is so important.

We also both agreed that we if we can just hang on, we may end up with an incredibly beautiful M.

It must be so hard to be back together after being apart fo years. Even though you both love each other and want it to work, it's still tough going to share your space and life with someone else again, I would imagine. You are still on the road to complete healing, and I do believe that the above will happen. In its own time...AAAAAGGGGHHHH!

Love, Nicola

[amd]

COG, do you ever have moments when it feels awkward to be with your W? There are times when my H stops by and it feels really uncomfortable. I think it's when he tries to be closed and I push for openness, so I guess I know how to solve that problem, but I wondered what it's like for couples who are committed to rebuilding their Ms.

[COG]

Nic,

Thanks!

You are still on the road to complete healing, and I do believe that the above will happen.

I believe that too, actually we both believe that. It has been harder than we both thought it was going to be. But we're BOTH still committed to hang in there. We both agree that everything happens for a reason.

I attend a men's prayer group every Friday lunch. Last week the speaker talked about appreciating and being grateful for the struggle. He has a form of MS. He thanked God for taking away the use of his left leg, because it helped him appreciate the strength in his right leg. WOW! What a concept. I started thinking about it and I realized how thankful I was that God took away our M, because it helped me love my W, and appreciate our M like I never had before, and I never would have if I had not lost it. Amen!

Love,

COG

[COG]

amd,

do you ever have moments when it feels awkward to be with your W?

Yes, definately. Physical intimacy is our challenge right now. It's awkward when we pass close to each other in a hallway, or next to the kitchen sink.

The positives: It used to be awkward ALL the time. It was awkward to be with her alone, or with somebody. Those awkward times just keep dropping away, one by one. Each time I let go of MY expectations, MY fear, MY negative attitude, MY anxiety, MY self centerdness, MY neediness, and allow God to be my guide, one more piece of the awkwardness iceberg gets chipped away.

God Bless,

COG

[amd]

Yeah, those darned expectations!! Thanks for your insight, COG!

[Alaska]

Man COG, I don't know how you balance being so humble with feeling good about yourself. I respect your opinion, but it always seems you place ALL THE BLAME on yourself. Didn't your wife have a hand in this?

Alaska

[COG]

Alaska,

I respect your opinion, but it always seems you place ALL THE BLAME on yourself. Didn't your wife have a hand in this?

I accept responsibility for MY failings. What my W does, is between her and God. She had a hand in the failure of our M, but that does'nt make MY failures any less significant.

I can't change her attitude but I can darn sure change mine. You may see it as me taking all the blame, but I assure you, it is a cleansing of the soul. For me to admit MY failures, accept the consequences of MY actions, ask forgiveness, and change the behaivior, is a VERY healthy thing to do. That's a large part of the 12 step Alanon program.

I'm not responsible for my W's failures, only mine. I take them VERY seriously, and trust me, she knows it. That's the main reason we're still together today. I've also found that the more responsibility I take for my failures, the more she takes for hers.

I'm as strong as I've ever been. It's the way, the truth, and the light. Let go the baggage my friend, and walk without burden.

God Bless,

COG

[AmyC]

My blessed Mufasa, I so love your neverending story.
It has the ogre (you before), the hero (you now) and the lady.
What an amazing testimony to the power of God in one's life once we submit and look at ourselves through HIS eyes...

I've learned so much from you, from clear across the country, and it continues.
You keep it real for me when all else is flying towards hell in a hand-basket .

I continue to walk MY walk.
H and I get along but nothing much has happened since he revealed his doubt about filing for legal separation being the right thing to do.
And so it goes.
I have plenty to keep me busy and under the circumstances have not started a new thread.
If anything happens, this will be the first place I come.


Until then I will continue to watch, learn and thank God for your example.


With much respect,
Amy