About 3 months ago, through emails, I started a relationship with my wife's friend. It started innocently enough, with her sending me messages at work about upcoming events we had planned as a foursome. Then (as you could probably figure) the discussion turned to us, our common interests (there are many-we are the same ages and have a lot of things in common, more so than we do with our respective spouses), and how unhappy we actually were in our marriages. In just over a month, we went from friends to being madly in love & ready to leave our spouses for each other, mostly due to the intense conversations via email. We both told our spouses on the same day, and both agreed to counseling (its been about 6 weeks now). I have broken off communication with her in order to give my wife & I a "fair" chance (the OW is extremely upset for me in doing this). I still love her (the OW), but I want to give my marriage a chance. I guess my questions are (1) how to I get this woman out of my thoughts (I think about her it seems every minute), and (2) how can I rebuild things with my wife (the OW was her best friend & my wife talks of "getting even" with her, etc. My wife has also talked about wanting to find out if other men find her attractive - such as by wanting to go out to bars, etc.. How do I interpret that comment? Thank you.
joeP I think you are going to catch some huge backwash from your post, yet I sense a need to consider you as a child of God as anyone else, so I'll try to keep that in mind as I respond.
First, most affairs usually start out innocently, yet it is tough to be friends with a member of the opposite sex while sharing all this info. Sooner or later you have constructed an explosive that only the Unibomber would be proud of.
Second, did you just decide you were unhappy in your marriage, or did it just happen because of the "newness" of the the Ow?
Third, how are you giving your W consideration if you are in supposedly in love with the Ow? Reconstructing a marriage will be tough when your feelings are already elsewhere.
Fourth, how can you blame W with her response? You busted her where it hurts, and she is in pain. Other men WILL find her attractive, and will you be able to handle THAT?
I would pursue the counseling, and I suggest you give it all you have. Are there children involved on either side? Someday they are going to want answers; imagine the difficulty in being truthful. I must ask: How are you going to be happy with the Ow, when the relationship is mixed with deceit? One or the both of you will be forever looking over your shoulder.
It is tough for those who voice their problems on a board that is geared toward warding off the BIG-D. However, your input in such matters is important, for we get to examine the other side and LEARN for ourselves what drives good people to do bad things. Best wishes, svolt
Lot of us have bin down that same road you have taken and the journey is full of bumps and surprises most painful... svolt has raised some very good points already for you to consider...
It will take a lot of work with good counselling and therapy to get to the bottom of whats going on within you...people dont usually stray from someone they love unless they are feeling afraid of closeness/intimacy born of fear...something bought into the marriage from childhhood that usually has nothing to do with the marriage at all...and when they feel afraid will run to another woman or man....
You will only run from someone you really love as they are the ones you will feel the fear of hurt from, (old memories of pain and hurt) and will run to someone (OW) you dont love because it feels safer, and yet believe that what you feel with this OW is true love... Its a kind of infatuation that is difficult to shake and one can beleive its the real thing... it feels so real with the OW OM when theres no responsibilities of socks an jocks to wash,...theres a freedom to say anything without fear of criticism as there is no investment/committment here yet so one thinks that they have so much in common...freedom to have great sex without feelings of having to perform...no kids and house payments to worry about...no garbage and house chores to do...no lawns to mow etc...and no same ole routine and boring mundane familiarity in contrast to the exciting exploration and discovery of someone new....so it makes the OW OM look so much more desirable to be with than ones own spouse....but its fairyland stuff....!!!
The reality of the fantasy only hits when the big D has been decided (and done with in some cases)..and the new couple commit to each other then the responsibilities of their marriages that they felt so keenly before now transfer to their new relationship..and quickly become even more frightening and burdensome to them as time together wears the crackle and crinkle of great sex and sparkling exploration down to mundane familiarity and the old fears return to plague them ....so if these fears are not dealt with at the level at which they were created they will continue to cause havoc until they are addressed...
Many choices are available to you...here are just a few I have come across from what others have done in similar situations..
1. Shut the OW out completely while you tend to your inner turmoil by filling your mind with other thoughts and work and other distracting things...
2. You can be open about it and deal with the hurt and pain and possible revenge and rejection...this takes courage and honesty..
3 You, your W and your friends could get together and talk it out so that its out in the open...from a situation like this some have formed a group sex thing or agreed exchange of partners between them...some have worked some not...
4 Seek counselling and therapy..not for or on your marriage..but on you ..on your deep negative motivations of hurt fear and pain...these are the driving forces behind your behaviour and feelings...find these and release them and you will find peace and inner calm compasion and love of self and others...
You have a lot going for you at this stage and it will depend on your decisions now as to whether your marriage stays together or folds up... however 1. you must love your W for you to be reacting as you have even if you may not understand it yet and she must love you to be reacting as she is...
2. She hasnt left you...although her comment about finding men is motivated by anger...
3. You both at this stage want to do something about your marriage...
Joe, I want to add a comment to the advice you've already received. One of the reasons people stray is because it seems easier than fixing what needs to be fixed in the marriage. It's exciting to think about someone new. But it's been said already that newness wears off and you will be back to square one. Most people regret their decision to leave a marriage for another person within a relatively short period of time.
I think it's great that you've cut off this relationship and it's natural for you to think about that woman. Think about her all you like, just don't act on it. You don't go from intense fantasy to cutting off all thoughts about the OW overnight. Not if you are normal. So don't worry about that, thoughts of her will fade as your marriage improves and your moral compass re-emerges. Obviously, you want to do the right thing and you are on the way to doing that.
It's going to be hard for your wife. Not only did you betray her, her best friend did as well. That's a double whammy and you are going to have to be very loving and patient with her if you want your marriage to work at all.
Do yourself a favor, figure out what you need to change about your marriage to make it more exciting and loving. Go to a SBT therapist to get things straight. Read DB.
And one last thing, I hardly believe that group sex would be an answer to your dilemma. I think it's bad advice. I would have to guess that you already knew that.
Joe, I understand completely! My H's best friend and I fell for each other. we only talked on the phone and in email but we were total suport for each other in really bad marriages. Its so sad in the end the friendships destroyed the trauma to the marriages. I know I felt so torn! here I was trying to do the right thing and stay in this marriage I was so miserable in for the sake of my children. When here was this great guy I was crazy about that had everything in common with me and it was so much more then our spouses had with us. I just felt like what am I doing here when there is someone that is so right for me that feels the same way. But you know what I never saw him that way in the previous 12 years I knew him! I felt it was our bad situations that drew us together. I chose to open up to him about my situation because I didnt think he would judge my H, I didnt think there was the slightest chance of feelings developing he was like a brother to my H, and I felt if anyone could get through to my H he could. I know its hard to let go and stop thinking about her because of where things were. but remember it wasnt reality you didnt have to live real everyday life with her. you had all the good and none of the bad. you and your W went through the day to day hardships and stress while you and this ow got to talk and discover each other. I went through a hard time letting go but try to remember you are not giving her up to have the same unhappy marriage you are going to work on making a happy great marriage. its slow its work but its worth it! Its not the easy fix but in the long run its better. There are reasons you two ended up where you did, it was a side effect or symptom of the real problems that need fixing. I know with us we had to deal with my H's anger over the betrayal of his W and his closest friend since he was 4 years old! and he had to work a recovery program for his alcholism and learn to handle his rage and anger problem. I had to learn to let go of the past abuse I endured from my H, let go of my feelings for the om, and work my own recovery program. Its been a tough uphill battle. but things are getting much better and our family is intact. eventually the ow will start to feel distant from especially when you and your w learn what each others needs are and start to fill them.
