Quote: anyway, it's clear that my H is a "9"...a peacemaker who is passive aggressive and conflict avoidant. The thing is, this type of person likes to seek stimulation by provoking in indirect ways, leaving the spouse pissed off with no place to go. The partners ( like myself) tend to be obsessive types who have a hard time letting go of a hurt, especially when no real apology is offered.
The challenge is for the P-A partner to develop some insight into the provoking behavior and the more compulsive ( or in this case, PMS-y) partner to become unstuck and let go. This requires those usual ingredients of self awareness, listening and communication, and a good dose of humor as well.
You describe your H has the homebody but I wouldn't be surprised if he needs to do some P-A needling of you periodically for some stimulation.
Thanks for chiming in, IHJ. Some of this really rings true for me. H knows exactly where my hot buttons are and will start pushing them periodically. Sometimes, I am succesful in disengaging, and sometimes I am not. I don't think it is for stimulation as much as getting back at me for something I did that bothered him. What I keep telling him is that he needs to be more direct with me and address the real issue at hand instead of indirectly needling me about unrelated things.
Mojo said:
Quote: For instance, if Julie's H was teasing her about cracking the whip on the housework, he might be hoping some other H in the group would say something like "Yeah, my W busts my balls about being a slob too but you gotta do it because if Mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy.". If he respects the other H and feels like the other H has a good relationship with his W then Julie's H can feel more like he can be a man AND someone who cleans the bathroom just because his W wants him too. OTOH, maybe he really doesn't think it's fair that he should have to live up to Julie's standards but he's just too wimpy to broach the issue in an upfront manner. So when he teases her in public he is hoping some other H will say "Man, why do you put up with that cr*p. I told my W 'If you want to spend your Saturday mornings scrubbing the tile with a toothbrush, go for it! I'll be on the golfcourse'". That way he can maybe borrow some brass for his balls in order to make a real stand.
Hmmm...maybe he is looking for some validation. Personally, I still think it is some combination of venting and needling. He gets a rise out of me and that does something for him.
It seems the way to deal with this is to disengage and diffuse the situation with humor. This is what I plan to do the next time it happens. An opportunity should be coming up soon because the whole family is gathering at my house for mother's day!
