H and I had a huge blowup last night. It wasn’t about sex. Maybe this doesn’t belong in the SSM BB, but you guys are my friends and I respect your opinions. If you make it thru this saga, there is actually a question at the end.
My sister and BIL were here over the weekend. On Sat night, we had all had a couple of drinks. At some point, H started to criticize me. It was veiled in a ‘just kidding’ sort of way, but some of the digs were really hurtful. The content of his criticism doesn’t matter – most were minor things, some were digs that only I understood. I was shocked. I had no idea he was carrying around this much anger and resentment.
Sunday came, I was quiet and we were both too busy with family and the kids to interact much. Last night, he came to bed and initiated sex, he was quite sweet about it - he was about to play me a romantic song on his PDA and make me swoon (his words). I was uninterested. He knew exactly why, although he didn’t offer up an apology. He said he had been ‘just kidding.’ I stayed pretty calm, but made it clear that this behavior of not talking to me about issues, avoiding and stuffing his feelings, and then letting it leak out when others were around – was not acceptable. I pointed out that it wasn’t the first time, that he has a pattern of doing this. He is the chief of the passive-aggressive, conflict-avoiding club.
He was furious. He feels that I don’t accept him for who he is. I told him that he cannot be inconsiderate and call that who he is, that is a copout and I cannot accept that.
I want to peel back the layers here. I want to look at myself. I’ve asked myself why I am so angry and upset. Is it because I want to present a happy picture in front of my family? Sure, who doesn’t? But I feel that is a small part of it.
Another layer here is that I am in a moderate hormonal haze right now, PMSing. I tried to filter that out before I even brought it up to H last night. I might be a little oversensitive right now, but I am not imagining the level of resentment that I felt emanating from him.
H and I are different. He would be very happy with routine – a 9-5 job, an uneventful family life, time with kids, an undemanding wife who took care of him….I DO accept this about him. I like all of this too, but not if it is all there is to life. I DO take care of him and we do have a fairly uneventful and happy life, and I love that. I love my family life and wouldn’t change that for the world. But I would also like a little more - some impulsiveness, some adventure, some romance, things to look forward to. I need more stimulation than him – emotionally, sexually, socially, culturally, intellectually. I have verbalized this to him, and I think he understands. The disconnect happens because he thinks I want him to be just like me. I don’t. I just want him to take my wishes into consideration, and meet me halfway.
I’m attempting to sort things out in my own head, so I came up with this list…
SEX: This was the biggest issue for us. For over a decade, I wanted it and he didn’t. About 2 years ago, I found this board, read SSM and PM, and sex is no longer an issue. We have both worked to get to where we are, and we have a mutually satisfying sex life today.
RECREATION: Right now, this is our biggest area of discord. H likes to stay home and hang out. I want to travel, go to the theater and concerts, have a social circle, go out to coffee and dinner etc. He says he is okay with all of this, is willing to do this with me. He says he understands the difference between ‘who he is’ and ‘what he does,’ so this is not an issue.
CAREERS: We don’t talk about this much, and on the surface we are in agreement. But there are undercurrents. On some level, H feels that he is not good enough or at least he used to. Sigh! He is no slouch, he has a masters degree in engineering, makes a very good living and is well respected by everyone (including me) professionally. He does not have ambitions about climbing the corporate ladder, but its possible he thinks I want him to. Despite what he thinks, I actually DO accept this about him, so I see this as his issue rather than mine. As for me – I waver between being content with my career and feeling that I need to get more motivated and push forward. Currently, I am rationalizing that the part time technical position that I am in is a good way to balance kids and work. In a few years, I expect I will want more.
MONEY: This has never been much of an issue. We make a good living together, and we are both fairly conservative. We consult each other before we make any big purchases, he is very appreciative of my household money-managing skills and I am very appreciative of his ability for long term financial planning.
KIDS: H feels that he does more of the kid stuff than he should. Sometimes, he is right. They gravitate towards him because he is an awesome dad. Weekends are often stressful because he will spend all Saturday morning doing kid stuff and then he is saturated, and takes it out on me for the rest of the weekend. I do acknowledge that this is hard on him, I encourage him to disappear for chunks of time and do whatever he wants.
EXERCISE: Strangely, this is an area of discord. H is an athletic sort, I am, er…, less so. He can be condescending. He believes that anyone should be at a fitness level where they can just get up and run 6-7 miles! While his natural athleticism and co-ordination are things that I am attracted to, I get hurt when he looks down at me for exercising in an ‘air-conditioned’ gym. We’ve talked about this, and he has admitted that he should be more respectful about this. However, the digs keep coming when I least expect them.
HOUSEWORK: This used to be a biggie. I am a neat freak, he couldn’t care less. Once we threw kids into the mixture, things were stressful for a while. At some point, I decided that a clean house was low on my list of priorities. So, now, I run this household silently most of the time and do as much as I can fit in. I rarely relay that stress to him, and I definitely enjoy not being the bitch in the house.
That’s all I’ve come up with, so far.
I need some manspeak translation here. Why does H feel that I don’t accept ‘who he is.’ What specifically is he talking about? He has said this so many times that I am starting to think about it. Is this true? Am I really the selfish, unreasonable person he thinks I am? Where is the line between asserting my needs in the relationship and asking him to be someone who he is not?
