Quote: Hmmmm... Have you ever discussed your anger and fear related to her not initiating with her? Maybe this is something to open up about with her...
I don't know about my ANGER at her not initiating, as I think that is really only recent, but we have had several conversations about it in the past. It comes down to her believing that it's the man's job to do that...all the time. Then there are those moments when she admits that she used to initiate with other men, or at least one other man (you know, the one that cheated on HER) but for some reason, just doesn't with me.
I have asked her to, asked her why she doesn't, etc. You name it, we've had the conversation from that angle and still, nada.
Quote: BTW, given your comments, frequency may be a problem. Many women need to be getting it regularly to want it. So, the pre-sex passion and intimacy may actually work better after you have sex (like the next morning) as long as it is followed up with more sex...
I really don't understand this. I used to try all the time but slowly, over time, she started to reject me more and it got to be that we would only do it on certain days, certain times.
One thing to add here is that I know you keep telling me not to put this on my W but one thing that CONSTANTLY would get in the way of intimacy was her low self esteem, or rather her poor body image. I used to LOVE when she wore sexy things to bed and then (and this was BEFORE she was pregnant with S5) she just kinda stopped. It got to be where I would ask her to do it and she just refused. It also affected WHERE and WHEN it happened because she didn't like to be seen nude so it kinda put a damper on things everywhere and every "when" but the bedroom at night. I could never understand it because I think she has an amazing body and would tell her that, and act like that when I had the chance. I tried to be spontaneous, creative, etc, only to have her just reject me time after time. You know I take the blame for this because I KNOW I have issues but I know she does too. I refuse to believe this was all me. There's only so many times you can tell someone they look hot and have them totally reject your opinion before you just stop saying it...funny thing is, I never did stop saying it, even after it was so painfully obvious she didn't care what I thought.
Anyway, as I have always said, this is very complicated.
Quote: BTW, if you look at studies, most women prefer your body type to that of OM. So, try to be more confident. Truly, self-deprecation is not attractive, self-affirmation is (without going over the top). I think you've already seen positive results of doing a bit of self-affirmation
No, that's the thing. My W swore up and down that she HATED that body type OM has. Then she goes for it. Maybe she just wanted to do a 180...lol. Anyway, yea, I gotta stay away from the self-deprecation. I used to do that a lot because I thought I was just saying out loud the things she believed. Since she only ever touched me, i.e. loved me, during sex and stopped really wanting that much of the time, I supposed she just didn't think I looked good at all. I now know that there was much more to it than that but still, it's how I felt and I suppose I didn't deal with that very well.
I will keep up the good fight. I just don't know for sure where to go from here other than to just keep biding my time. I just hope I don't bide my way right back out of the marriage again.
