OT has told me many times, and it plays in my head constantly, that I must be willing to take emotional risks at some point because it's what I want my W to do. Just by her returning to the marriage, she is taking a risk. She's risking rejection and has a lot more of a reason to think she'll face it than I do. She left and came back. I stayed but got hurt. If anything the next move is mine, any way you look at it. Either I pick the right circumstances and "go for it" or I remain cold and distant. For me though, being in a similar situation as your H, I feel like I need at least a shred of evidence that my W is open to it.
I guess you have the same issues. All I can say is that I wish I KNEW beyond my suspicions and what OT says, that my W, like your H, wished I initiated more, or differently. In my case, I am ALWAYS the one to initiate and like your H, that hurts me a lot. It makes me feel like not only does she not like me enough to initiate, but that she doesn't even LIKE sex so why bother.
Anyway, it's complicated for both of us. I would say that at some point you will need to explore your role in your intimacy. If you know it has been an issue in the past, then it's surely something you want to change. I am just not sure if now is the right time. I am sure though, that whenever you implement your "initiating" policy, it will not be too little too late because when you do it will be in the context of a R that can support such a thing. Make any sense?
