Yea BJ, I have giving a LOT of thought to the idea of where I am at in all this and what it means I should/could do. I just feel like, knowing my W, that we are not as far along as it seems for the simple reason that W never really claimed a renewed love for me in any strong, passionate way, simply that she knows she needed to end the A and come back to the marriage. It's her reasons for doing so that lead me to think there is much more to work on before simply accepting that the M is ripe for passion and intimacy.
I think (and this is because W said as much) W gave up the OM for two reasons, neither of which is really the best for US. She gave him up mainly because she knew the affair was wrong for her. Secondly, she did it because she figured out he was an ass.
She did NOT necessarily give him up (oh, and of course I am not SURE she even really did at this point) because she realized that I am the ONE for her (even though we all know I AM, lol). Now, I am not one of those people that need her to have come back because of how great she thinks I am. I am ok with whatever reason she came back but I am honest enough with myself (gotta work on being honest with HER) to know that there is a LOT more work to be done now that she is "back".
The lack of physical intimacy thing seems to be the most obvious indicator of what is still missing and based on what I just said about the "reasons" she came back, I know that I need to have a beginners mind towards all this and realize that while I have renewed self-confidence, I need to show her I have changed. That will take time and a consistency in my actions which I think she has already seen. I KNOW I am a different man in terms of my thoughts on intimacy, sex, and passion. I just need to gradually let her see that because I think the deepest of our relationship's wounds can be found in this area so I tread lightly until such time as I can tread in the way best suited to show my W how much I desire her as a woman and a partner. The step lightly part is only because I think she needs time to process the fact that I love her in a physical way but NOT only for sex. I know OT has scoffed at that in the past but this is just one of those things I need to handle in my own way. It may be the wrong way, but it's the way I have chosen so I will live with the consequences.
That brings me to me semi-last thought (lol). I am afraid, as usual, of just sliding back to our, especially MY old ways now that it seems like OM is gone. I feel that happening and even though I catch myself doing/saying things the "old" way, it makes me shudder to think how unconscious I have become and I think it was in responding to PL's post about being tired of all the daily analyzing that made me realize that I need to stay MUCH MORE on my toes. I am getting too comfortable.
I was thinking that was the right thing to do, just BE comfortable but now I realize that it's not. I still have a pretty long time ahead (probably forever now that I see what the alternative is) of me analyzing, or rather, being aware of myself within this fledgling relationship. Getting complacent/comfortable is going to lead to the same misery I went through before and I don't think it will do anything to help my M.
So, today's goal is to become aware of my actions/words more. I will probably re-read some DB tonight and (oops) finish DR (funny, never did get it all read) and just try to refocus myself ON myself so that I can make sure the things I am saying and doing are according to my true desire to be an improved man or if they are a reversion to being unaware and lazy...ouch.
In the end BJ, I hope you are right. I hope we are mending and the time is now for action that reflects that. I just want to make sure MY action is the best one(s) for me and my sitch.
