Ok, thanks. Yes, I have been doing that from the beginning. I don't think I read about it anywhere, and really, before you brought it up, I didn't realize I was doing that.
It's not a strategy I employ so much as trying as best I can to look at things without emotion. I guess it's part of detaching.
It just seems like it's the right way to go about this since I KNOW I am paranoid and my mind plays tricks on me. The way I see it is that so many of us spend SO much time looking for evidence of NEGATIVE things our spouses are doing and so little time looking for evidence of the positive things. I think it's especially important for people like me, Mama, NM, Frank, PArob, Tim and Xue to make that shift from assuming the worst then trying to find evidence to support our paranoia, to assuming the best and looking for things that support it.
Thank you for pointing this out. Of course all of this is done with the thought that just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean it's not happening...lol.
Quote: The way I see it is that so many of us spend SO much time looking for evidence of NEGATIVE things our spouses are doing and so little time looking for evidence of the positive things. I think it's especially important for people like me, Mama, NM, Frank, PArob, Tim and Xue to make that shift from assuming the worst then trying to find evidence to support our paranoia, to assuming the best and looking for things that support it.
Yesterday was rough for the reasons I posted. W is stressing BIG time about this idea that she can't drive for a month. Gee, imagine that. No matter what, it will be a big change in her/our lifestyle and I fear not for the better. At a time when my W is looking for more independence in life, i.e. getting a job, etc, she is going to be home-bound to a certain extent.
I have to admit that I am also SLIGHTLY worried that my W will turn to OM when she can't drive. I know that is probably me just being paranoid but I do feel that way so I post it to try to purge it from my daily thoughts. I don't really think she'd do that. I can truly say I think he is gone but you never really know...at least this soon after.
Anyway, yesterday, I took most of the day off from work at her request. I stayed home in the morning to help the kids get fed and ready for school, went to work for a couple hours and then returned to deal with the AC guy. She was NOT having a good day but she was VERY appreciative that I made time for her.
This morning was funny because S5 lost his tooth last night and the tooth fairy "forgot" to visit. I had to run into his room and slip the cash in and get the tooth out. I thought he was asleep but a minute later W and S5 came down the stairs. W was mouthing to me that he thought it was me who put the money under his pillow because he knew I was just in there and put my hand under his pillow. We managed to preserve the lie by saying I was just checking to see if the fairy had been there. He seemed to buy it...lol.
I spent a good part of yesterday and now today thinking a lot about this "barrier" that is between us. I feel that I am comfortable asking her more about it. I guess I started thinking about it when she was leaving to get the kids from school and I leaned into her car to kiss her goodbye. As usual, but a little more obviously this time, she presented her cheek for me to kiss. I did and then said "you know, you don't always have to turn away when I kiss you." She didn't respond. I know I could have said more, but neither time, nor the place permitted it. I think what I feel needs to be said, or discussed is the fact that even when everything was "normal" we didn't kiss. I know that I recently told her that the one thing I wanted most was to kiss her but I want to figure out if this non-kissing thing is just more of the same from our "old" M or if it's still left over from the A time. I guess I am trying to figure out the source of her hesitation, whether it's just her trying to find feelings for me, or trying to get over what happened, or some of both. I suppose I want to know because if it's her getting over the A and all it's crap, then I know it may be more about time than anything else. If it's her trying to get back feelings for me, then I know it may depend more on me and what I do or don't do in trying to show her passion and "my changes". It's the difference between waiting or doing and no, they are NOT mutually exclusive but I think there is a "correct" balance to strike here.
Patience, yea, I know but I saw a poster yesterday that I'm sure is an old cliche but it sums up my feeling exactly; God, grant me patience...and please hurry.
Another weekend is here. I have a wedding and my parents in town so should be uneventful on the R front. I will check in when I can.
Seems the tooth fairy was working overtime last night!
More patience is in order, GH. You've been waiting for soooo long for W; working so hard to get to the place where she's wanting to work on the M. How's it go....If what you're doing isn't working - try something different? So, she doesn't want to kiss right now. You leaning in to kiss her may be viewed as more of the same? Maybe telling her point blank that the perfunctory cheek isn't the kiss that you'd like, so you're going to stop until she's ready for more? Turn the tables. Or, maybe don't tell her at all.....see what happens the next time you DON'T do what she expects you to do? I *know* you want more from her.....you've come so far, maybe let her lead for a little bit longer....you can always alter course again in the future if nothing changes. How about making some goals/plan on how to get to that point.
As for the tooth fairy thing, I just had that same experience a couple of weeks ago....completely forgot to put the money under the pillow. D8 woke up, checked and was really upset that the tooth fairy had forgotten about her. I told her I would look for it, palmed the money and lo and behold! it was there the whole time, lol. She seemed to buy it.
You seem to be doing well today GH, glad to hear it.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
No, NM, it IS a good idea. You are reminding me of my constant assertion that I am willing to let time play it's role in all this. I thank you for that.
I know things are going well right now and I just need to keep up the positives.
SO, along with generally screwing up our lives, breaking up marriages, causing massive weight loss, financial burden, and countless other things, we can add Tooth Fairy repelling as a bad effect of an affair...lol.
I am so glad to see you in the place that you are; laughing and joking You are a fantastic DB'er in my eyes and I am thankful for everyday that I see you on my thread.
Thanks Mama. We are similar in our approach sometimes so I too appreciate your presence here. Thanks for your constant help. You've been with me from the earliest and darkest of days.
I have been posting in new comers but since my WAW have began a PA with someone I have began reading here. If anyone has suggestions for me please find my thread "moving out day, what to do" I really kinda need help bad today!!!
I moved out at her request 2 weeks ago, she had "ended" us 2 weeks before that, she was having a LD EA for the past year, that has been coming to a halt, but since she has made a new "friend", I had to pick up mail yesterday from the house I am paying for only to see her and OP hangin out with hickeys on thier necks...yea just friends...anyways I am staying at the house this weekend while she is out of town, and I was wondering if I should remove the rest of my belongings while she is gone, or what I should do..please read my thread and post to there if you can help.
Every moment is a new begining
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1121073&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1
You are a fantastic DB'er in my eyes and I am thankful for everyday that I see you on my thread.