Yesterday was rough for the reasons I posted. W is stressing BIG time about this idea that she can't drive for a month. Gee, imagine that. No matter what, it will be a big change in her/our lifestyle and I fear not for the better. At a time when my W is looking for more independence in life, i.e. getting a job, etc, she is going to be home-bound to a certain extent.
I have to admit that I am also SLIGHTLY worried that my W will turn to OM when she can't drive. I know that is probably me just being paranoid but I do feel that way so I post it to try to purge it from my daily thoughts. I don't really think she'd do that. I can truly say I think he is gone but you never really know...at least this soon after.
Anyway, yesterday, I took most of the day off from work at her request. I stayed home in the morning to help the kids get fed and ready for school, went to work for a couple hours and then returned to deal with the AC guy. She was NOT having a good day but she was VERY appreciative that I made time for her.
This morning was funny because S5 lost his tooth last night and the tooth fairy "forgot" to visit. I had to run into his room and slip the cash in and get the tooth out. I thought he was asleep but a minute later W and S5 came down the stairs. W was mouthing to me that he thought it was me who put the money under his pillow because he knew I was just in there and put my hand under his pillow. We managed to preserve the lie by saying I was just checking to see if the fairy had been there. He seemed to buy it...lol.
I spent a good part of yesterday and now today thinking a lot about this "barrier" that is between us. I feel that I am comfortable asking her more about it. I guess I started thinking about it when she was leaving to get the kids from school and I leaned into her car to kiss her goodbye. As usual, but a little more obviously this time, she presented her cheek for me to kiss. I did and then said "you know, you don't always have to turn away when I kiss you." She didn't respond. I know I could have said more, but neither time, nor the place permitted it. I think what I feel needs to be said, or discussed is the fact that even when everything was "normal" we didn't kiss. I know that I recently told her that the one thing I wanted most was to kiss her but I want to figure out if this non-kissing thing is just more of the same from our "old" M or if it's still left over from the A time. I guess I am trying to figure out the source of her hesitation, whether it's just her trying to find feelings for me, or trying to get over what happened, or some of both. I suppose I want to know because if it's her getting over the A and all it's crap, then I know it may be more about time than anything else. If it's her trying to get back feelings for me, then I know it may depend more on me and what I do or don't do in trying to show her passion and "my changes". It's the difference between waiting or doing and no, they are NOT mutually exclusive but I think there is a "correct" balance to strike here.
Patience, yea, I know but I saw a poster yesterday that I'm sure is an old cliche but it sums up my feeling exactly; God, grant me patience...and please hurry.
Another weekend is here. I have a wedding and my parents in town so should be uneventful on the R front. I will check in when I can.
