Quote: Really great stuff!! It is wonderful that you didn't put the burden of the decision to cancel on YOUR parents onto her. The R talk sounds just about perfect.
Thanks OT. Yea, I had to make that decision and it was the correct one.
Quote: In the past, it is resentment about having lived a pretty empty life in terms of physical intimacy.
Yes, I think this is true, but again, she admits to having never even tried to initiate physical intimacy, sexual or otherwise. I think that may have been due to her past, or my inability to inspire passion in her. Who knows. All I know is that I want it to change and think I am on the right track.
Quote: ow, in the present, her anger, I expect, is really mostly projection about her anger toward herself. Her *big secret PA* IS a barrier to sex with you for her. She is probably also afraid that she won't be able to succeed in the passion area (she doesn't know how to be a passionate *wife*) and avoids that fear with anger. And, she is probably anger about a different kind of fear, the fear that YOU won't inspire passion and she will have to live an asexual life, but she can't share this fear with you so it comes out as anger. Also, in general, sex and intimacy are very difficult for her to talk about, and the effort to overcome her shyness and embarrassment, any talk about it might seem to have a bit of anger until she relaxes about it.
This is spot on. I do think the PA thing is the barrier and until that comes out, I think it will continue to be. As for her not being a passionate W, I think that too may be true as evidence by what I said above. I think she is understanding what I want, and too, what she wants. We will have to openly communicate about this, I think, but for now, time is working pretty well.
Quote: BTW, are you really OK with her not getting honest with you about a PA??? A conspiracy theory: GH is perfectly happy for W not to be honest about PA because he doesn't want to come clean about his own deep dark secret (PA, porn use, phone sex, flirting at work, high credit card bills, etc...) If so, this is also a barrier to intimacy.
I have nothing to hide. No deep dark secrets, nothing. I have told my W in the past that my life is open to her. She can search my wallet, car, phone, computer, whatever. The most secretive thing I do, and it's not even a secret other than the actual content of my posts, is post here every day. If anything, I am too "good" and she has commented on that in the past. Maybe she wants more "edge" from me. I can deliver on that but it's not really who I am at the core. So, do I notice pretty women, sure I do. Do I check out some boobies online every now and then, sure, I'm a guy. My credit card bills are paid by W so she knows all about my financials, I don't really flirt that much and I have never even contemplated an affair until VERY recently when the bombs fell and that was only in the abstract as revenge on my W.
I am ok with her not comming clean because as I have said, I am 97% sure she had a PA and since I will never probably know the full truth about a lot of the A, this is just one more thing, a big thing, but just another half/untruth as far as I am concerned. That, and I know that W will eventually come clean about it. I know her that much, and if it happened, I won't have to "want" or "need" to know, she will want or need to tell me. I can't imagine her being able to resume "us" fully until she does this. If so, and if she doesn't ever tell me this and we do resume being intimate, then maybe I am ok believing her that it was just an EA. Also, as I said, if anything happened, it was "safe". I would bet my life on that, and I guess I am to a certain extent. What I am saying is that either she will tell me or I will never really know the truth from her lips, and at this moment, I am at peace with either. Tomorrow that may change, but I doubt it.
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(Sorry Rob...) Rob's latest post about the bath, backrub, and no sexual overtures made me wonder *who in the world thinks this is a good scenario???*
I don't think you have been, but don't confirm your W's opinion that the passion thing isn't important to you.
OT, you know this is where I struggled in the past, and still do now. Since I used to TRY to initiate physical intimacy all the time and it happened to lead to sex most of the time, how could she NOT know it was important? I will answer my own question. It was because I was not really showing her my desire for HER but making her feel like I just wanted sex from, well, her but that any woman would do. I know because of how I approached things, and how I acted sometimes that she felt all I wanted her for was sex. I take responsibility for my part of it but I don't think it was all my doing.
If men sometimes fall into the belief, as Rob and I had, that our W's don't like sex, women fall into the belief that men ONLY want sex. Sure, we may act like oafs and fumble about now and then, and we may think about it all the time, but I can assure you, I for one wanted more than just sex from my W but since she seemed to only want to be physical when we had sex, then yes, that's what I wanted. I want my W to WANT to touch me, not just in bed, but all the time. Since she thought I only touched when wanted sex, and when she touched me, we had sex...you get the catch 22. I want to be touched, and to touch, with passion and affection whenever, and wherever. I think I am communicating this to my W these days and it's starting to sink in. Time will help with this, I'm sure. I also think this was where Rob was comming from with his hot-tub experience. We want our W's to feel that we can be sensual, passionate and show them affection without it having to lead to intercourse, and not because sex is bad but because those things can exist without sex as well as with. Maybe thats the wrong way to think about it but it seems clear to me that my W was frustrated by only being touched when I "wanted something" just as I was frustrated by my W not touching me at all. Something's got to give, and I think it is now.
Quote: BTW, take careful note that your W said sex was boring. She wants different things from you.
Clarification, she said our LIVES were boring. She didn't ever say sex was. Most of the time, and I know it was not ALL of the time, the actual bedroom portion, the act itself once initiated, was probably "interesting" enough to her. I won't go into details, but we varied things a lot and did a lot of things that I had NO idea she liked that she managed to communicate to me over the years. I can't say she was satisfied all the time, or even some of the time, but bored was not probably the word for it. I think the boredom came in terms of our intimacy outside the bedroom, which was non-existent, our daily grind, and when it came to intimacy, how it was always initiated the same way, and always happened in the bedroom at the same time, same days, etc. I think she knows that I KNOW what she meant by that. I always knew those things were not right but did nothing to change it. This was a major put-off to her.
Quote: It sounds like you are great and things are really moving in positive directions for you. I'm very happy for you.
I am feeling really good and I can only hope things are moving forward. Thank you for your continued support. Go work on those taxes and may Uncle Sam favor you!
