So far it's been a good weekend, sorta. Friday we had another R talk initiated by W where she said she knows I am the "one" and that she would never do anything like this again. She said she learned so much from this in terms of how good things are in her life. At the same time, she said she was really depressed about things (I would assume OM) and just needed time to work things out in her head. She said she wants our marriage to be better. (btw, this was all said while we were embracing in the kitchen)
In the course of this, W said at various points that she loved me very much.
Later that night, talking in bed, she started to get upset, just like the other night. She talked more about OM, his obsessiveness and her fear of him. She said they have had NO contact, in person or on the phone since last week. She said he calls many times a day and she does not answer. She said there were things she could tell me that he did that would piss me off (not towards her, but him according to her). To that, I told her that I really didn't NEED or WANT to hear all about him or their A, but I was willing to listen. I told her to understand that I could listen without judgment and realize that I had done that to this point. She seemed relieved. I also said, and this was important to me, that even though I had no real need to hear more for my sake, I needed her to tell me whatever she needed to tell me so that the barrier that was between us (and she admitted there was one) could be removed. I said that I felt there were things that she has not told me that somehow prevented us from moving forward. I said I wanted to have much more passion, romance and affection in our new marriage and she kinda stopped cold...
W: YOU want that. We have spent the last 6-7 years of marriage without any of that. It's been boering. Especially after the kids. You think that can just change all of a sudden? M: Well, have you not noticed the changes over the last few months? W: Yes. M: To the extent that our current relationship permitted, I think I have shown you how I want things to be in the future. I have done this not for a day or week, but for months now, and as things grow between us, so too will my expression of how I feel.
We explored this for a few minutes with the gist of it being that we both wanted the same thing but that she was going to have to work towards it.
Also, it came up that since my W was feeling VERY stressed and tired over all this, that she really wished my parents were not coming the next morning. I offered to call them and tell them to come next weekend (not really good for me but I decided I could make it work). She said no, that she would "suck it up and do what she had to do like she always did." I kinda let it drop with a "I know how you feel, it's overwhelming and then we have to spend the day entertaining my parents. It's hard."
She gave me hug and we talked a little more and went to sleep.
The next morning I asked her again if she wanted me to call my parents and put them off. I was feeling a little sick and usually my parents (in their 80's and prone to catching everything these days) don't like to come over when we're sick so it was a good excuse. She said no but then said "they would never forgive us if we did that.", which is her code for "I don't want them to come but I'm afraid they will be angry." When she said that, I just made up my mind and called them (she offered no resistance to it) told my mom that we were up late and I was feeling sick. I asked her if it would be ok to move things to next weekend and she was totally ok with that. W was VERY relieved.
After I rested for awhile and was feeling better, we had a nice day together with the kids shopping, eating lunch and playing around. Good move I think. In the past I would NEVER have done that. We have always done whatever our parents wanted to do, even at GREAT inconvenience to us, which actually is still what we will probably do in the future because it's who we are but this time, we needed "us" time. I wanted W to know that she comes first. There would be more opportunity for that later too...
I had planed to take S5 to a basketball game that night. I offered to change the night we went considering W was not feeling well but W insisted we go, saying it was bad timing but S5 and I were looking forward to it so we should go. I agreed with her and since she seemed to be feeling better in the evening, we went. Well, at around half time of the game, W calls saying she is thought she was having a panic attack. She has had panic episodes in the past but not for a long time and there was a time when I dismissed them and blew her off when she was having an attack. Finally after a doctor told us what it was that was happening to her, I wised up and became supportive of her but not until a lot of damage was done because of my lack of support in the past. Anyway, she's not had one of these in a LONG time so this was a bit out of the blue. I immediately said we would come home. She said no, that she would feel better in a few minutes, or just go to the neighbor's and could I just talk to her. I said sure but told S5, who had been acting like he was ready to go anyway, that we needed to go at half-time. He had already had a blast so he was good, and so was I. I told W I would be right home. She protested for a few minutes, trying to get me to believe she was ok, but I just said no, I will be there in a few minutes.
She was VERY grateful that I did that. She was still not right when I got home but was ok in an hour or so after I talked to her, held her for awhile and took care of her, something she likes every now and again even though she tends to be pretty independent. So, we watched the rest of the game on TV and had another nice night together. Non-eventful on the romantic front, but really good.
Today (Easter) we did the bunny egg thing, went to the beach and then chilled at home. Again, other than getting to hang with W looking hot in a bikini, really non-eventful. Just another good day to build on.
I am not really frustrated these days. After Friday night's talk, when I told W what I wanted to happen, that I saw us having a passion, affection filled M in the future and that she should tell me whatever she needed to remove the barriers to that, I feel good about where we stand. Slowly but surely things are warming up.
Tis' another week and another part of the journey. We'll see how it goes.
