I just have this feeling that the lying is not over yet.
Lol, I'd say you're right. But, this is probably more about her not being able to face herself than about you. Say you are right about lunch, this would be my story about it (oh yes, I weave background stories with the best of them...):
W cannot totally let go of OM and quit protecting him, not because she wants to be with him, but because of what it would mean about her. IN HER HEAD {If she can really cut all ties and quit comforting him through his suffering, it would mean she was "cold" "heartless" and worse, an adulteress who cheated for an R that was at bottom very meaningless and empty. This makes her shallow and an idiot, because she thought he was the love of her life. It also makes her despicable because of her treatment of you and your family.}
This is a lot to face, and when she COMPLETELY lets go of OM, these are the kinds of thoughts and feelings she will have to process.
So, she caves and meets OM at lunchtime, to tell him once again it is over, to try to get "closure." (BTW, this won't happen as long as he keeps being rewarded with her attention for not letting go.)
But, she is then afraid of your reaction and losing you, she can't risk it, but she can't face the truth fully herself and acknowledge that she is still really not treating you or your M with respect, and she hates herself for that as well.
Quite a bind she is in. In my experience, until you really enforce your boundaries and refuse to continue to accept it, it will continue. Maybe it is better to do that now, maybe a few months down the road. I'm not psychic, lol.
If I were you, I would have tried, "W, I feel very scared and insecure because your behavior yesterday in talking about lunch is exactly the behavior I associate with you going to see OM. It always seemed to me that I could tell when you were seeing OM versus when you saw friends. I need you to share the truth about lunch yesterday in a very straightforward way."
Anyway, part 2
I just have this feeling that the lying is not over yet.
The bad part is, you will keep having this feeling even when it is over yet. Two years from now, an unexplained teddy bear shows up on the couch, you think it was sent by him. Six months from now there are three hang up calls in as many days, you think it is him. A year from now, you find a card from him to her that she had hidden and forgotten about, you think she is still trying to hold onto her "great love."
Sure, sometimes you can thought stop, but not always. You will need to be able to talk about these things and your insecurities and to ask for reassurance as you rebuild trust. Notice that it is an emotional risk on your part for you to share your fear and ask for reassurance rather than reacting in some bitter passive aggressive manner. So, this is not the easy way out. But, it is a way to move past it while building more trust and intimacy between the two of you.
