Becca, I'm very sorry I hurt your feelings. I certainly was not talking about you or even anyone in particular.
I was talking about a pattern I have observed in Piecing -- and indeed in every area of the DB board -- in which some people are really getting somewhere with themselves and their R (whether this is getting back to an M or getting D) and other people are stuck spinning their wheels in La La Land. I don't think these are bad or stupid people. I think they are people in an immense amount of pain who haven't been able to break out of it yet to really begin to make progress in their lives. I would be surprised if you yourself hadn't seen people who are acting as though they are in the process of a full reconciliation while their WAS has said or done nothing to indicate they are open to reconciliation.
I don't know you or your sitch at all, but it wouldn't follow from you not trying to reconcile that I think you are one of those very stuck people. People tend to post in one place for a long time, even if their sitch changes, because it is where their friends and support systems are. Indeed, it seems pretty clear from your short post here that you have a good grip on where your M is.
Now, if you ever look at Surviving the Big D, you'll sometimes see people who are reconciling and not getting D at all. I don't think they are stuck in denial and refusing to see that they aren't getting D after all, lol. It is just where their friends are. But, there are people in Surviving the Big D who are very stuck, filled with anger and bitterness years after a D and seeing very little about their own roles in problems.
You could say the same about any area of the board — some people are stuck, some people are getting it and growing.
The difference between Surviving and Piecing is that getting to Piecing is the goal for many people whereas Surviving is like the plague (until you really accept it, then it is great!!). Piecing is idealized as a triumphant place where the people who are really saving their Ms meet and share their wisdom and struggles with a few steps back but a general movement forward. The hope is that people in piecing really have it together and are supposed to be the big role models. Surviving is not so idealized -- people expect to find some DBers who are stuck and angry there. After all, they didn't save their marriages.
Now, if you go to Piecing and look for the people that believe they are actively reconciling and try to follow their advice, it could get you in trouble if you don't distinguish between those who really are and those who are in denial and stuck.
Again, the same is true anywhere on these boards, but I think it is particularly risky in Piecing because it is so idealized in many ways. The folks in Piecing aren't supposed to be basket cases like everyone else, lol. For many, they are the BIG HOPE of the board. But, of course, just like anywhere else, some people are doing better, some are doing worse.
FWIW, I have never posted as a Piecer, though I did occassionally post to a few friends in Piecing. So, my views on this are based on limited reading of that forum and also discussions about this very subject that Piecers have initiated with me. So, it is an insight that is shared by Piecers themselves as well. Survivers will likewise get frustrated with the Survivers who cannot let go of their hatred toward OM or OW and anger that they didn't "win." In both cases, I think it is because it is so hard to watch people stay so stuck -- it is painful, even, to see them needlessly hurt themselves. This is not to judge them, indeed, judging them as somehow inferior people would make it less painful to watch them. But, it is important to recognize that there are stuck people and following their examples is not going to be constructive.
Again, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings and that you felt judged. My intent was to give GH a heads up about the kind of stuff above, but I obviously did not do a good job explaining myself.
