Quote: About your last post to me, yes, I think it is important to be crystal clear in the fairly near future about what is acceptable to you from here forward. I'm not suggesting that you to tell her what to do, I'm suggesting that you to let her know what works for you, what will hurt you, what will send you away.
On my view, she clearly needs to be going to a different gym and have no further contact with him. She can block his number. It is really NOT OK for her to keep trying to manage his feelings. Note, a lot of that is driven by a desire not to feel bad about herself and the A. Yes, she feels bad, but as she keeps getting more honest with herself she will feel even worse at times.
I have been clear about this, but I guess I have not really had to be explicit about the "hurting me part" because there are so many other reasons for her to have NO contact with him. Whenever I added in that I needed that to be the case, it was met with "I know, I know, I never want to see that a$$hole again!" Even this morning I re-stated that I wanted her to have no contact and she said she had no plans to do so. She said that she was not going to go where they used to go, and that she could go to another gym for awhile.
As for managing his feelings, I don't get ANY impression that she wants to do that. However, I will keep my eyes open.
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As long as any kind of R remains between them, it will continue to interfere with your M. A day she is suddenly hypercritical of you will be a day she has had some sort of contact with him -- even if she has no intention of returning to him and the thought repels her, she will still be managing some sort of R with him which will be bad for *everyone*. Once she decides to stop such behavior entirely and you both know this for sure, she will feel a huge sense of relief.
Ok, remember how I said that I "felt" that the OM was not around anymore? Well, the period of time, really since Ireland, that I have been feeling that way seems to correspond to the time when she was trying to maintain a friendship with this guy. Over the last week and a half or so, he went from being ok with that to openly hostile. According to my W, it was then that she realized that she could NOT be friends with this guy and wanted NOTHING to do with him.
What I sensed these past two days IS that weight being lifted off my W's shoulders, or a sense of relief. She has seemed MUCH more relaxed and happy. I truly think that this A was over as such for her pretty long ago but she was nursing it to "backburner" him just in case I wasn't for real. She's said the burner is off, and I believe her for various reasons, none of which is denail.
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Have you read Passionate Marriage? If not, you might want to put it very high on your reading list, it might be a big help for both boundary and intimacy issues. It might also be one that makes sense to share with W.
I will make it a point to read that one. Thank you.
Quote: As for bracing yourself, it might help to know this. You choose how to react -- it doesn't have to be an end-of-the-world devastation-redoubled revelation when it comes out.
You know, I try not to be too dramatic but that was a case of drama from me. I do not look at it as this huge trauma on the horizon. I think I SHOULD look it that way so I probably post that for that reason. What I really believe is that I will be able to take it in stride because as I have said, I have already forgiven her for it. Sure it may sting a little, but I think I will be ok.(oops, funny, I just actually read what you wrote and this is just what you said. I suppose I should really READ before responding). I guess I could just say I totally agree with this!
