Things sound wonderful, I think it sounds like you've really turned the corner. It sounds like you were incredibly supportive and compassionate toward her, as well as doing a great job respecting yourself and your own interests.
About your last post to me, yes, I think it is important to be crystal clear in the fairly near future about what is acceptable to you from here forward. I'm not suggesting that you to tell her what to do, I'm suggesting that you to let her know what works for you, what will hurt you, what will send you away.
On my view, she clearly needs to be going to a different gym and have no further contact with him. She can block his number. It is really NOT OK for her to keep trying to manage his feelings. Note, a lot of that is driven by a desire not to feel bad about herself and the A. Yes, she feels bad, but as she keeps getting more honest with herself she will feel even worse at times.
As long as any kind of R remains between them, it will continue to interfere with your M. A day she is suddenly hypercritical of you will be a day she has had some sort of contact with him -- even if she has no intention of returning to him and the thought repels her, she will still be managing some sort of R with him which will be bad for *everyone*. Once she decides to stop such behavior entirely and you both know this for sure, she will feel a huge sense of relief.
Look, I have been through this *successfully*. And, until you really take a firm stand on your own boundaries, your lack of boundaries will continue to interfere with the progress in your R.
Have you read Passionate Marriage? If not, you might want to put it very high on your reading list, it might be a big help for both boundary and intimacy issues. It might also be one that makes sense to share with W.
As for bracing yourself, it might help to know this. You choose how to react -- it doesn't have to be an end-of-the-world devastation-redoubled revelation when it comes out. You have, after all, already accepted it in many ways and you CHOSE to pursue your M even though you believed there was a PA. So, I guess my point is that you don't have to lapse into victim mode. I think many have a tendency to do so because it is what you are "supposed" to do because if you really love someone the news will totally devastate you, right??? That is, handling it well is in some people's minds a sign of lack of love. But, it really doesn't have to be a new crisis. This does NOT mean it will be easy, no matter how well you prepare. And, it does NOT mean that the leftover traces that pop up a long time down the road won't be very painful. It simply means you don't have to go through the oh-my-god-what-am-I-gonna-do-how-can-I-stay-with-this-person drama.
Anyway, congrats, I'm very happy for you. You seem to be at a really good place personally and your M looks to be headed in a really wonderful direction.
