Ok, so now the update I was talking about from a couple nights ago...
Last time I journaled it was about the HUGE breakthrough night we had on Friday. Well, Saturday night's convo was a lot shorter but really put a wrap on this part of the ordeal.
Without prompting, and really out of the blue W basically just announced that she really felt horrible about what she did, and how it is affecting me and our family. She said she felt like she needed to go through this to get to that point but wishes she didn't DO what she did. She said what she had done was totally selfish and she would NEVER put me/us through that again. She doesn't understand how people can leave their families, spouses for something like this that she had with this guy. She understands what she has in me now and with this guy turning out to be psycho, she is now aware of just how good things are with us. She appreciates what we have, and not just because things didn't work out between them, but because of who I am and what I was willing to do by standing by her through all this. She once again talked about my changes. She just kept saying how important family was to her and how selfish she'd been to do this.
At that point I gently suggested that she make sure that she is "back" because she wants our marriage, not just for the kids or "family". She said she is, and now can see that our marriage was good. I told her that was wrong, that she didn't need to appreciate our OLD marriage because there were things that were simply not good and we would have to work on those things. I said what we make from this point forward COULD be great. I said I really hoped we could be stronger through all this. I also said as hurt and tired as I was because of what happened, I would not take it back because IF we made it past this, we would be better off for it. Of course I told her that I don't need any more "wake up calls". She agreed that things could be much better.
I think what was conveyed from the convo was true remorse on her part and hopefulness by both of us.
We hugged a lot and she said that the day we spent as a family on Saturday was the happiest day she's had in years.
Of course, there was more said in the convo, but overall, it was a nice talk. It was the most apologetic I think my W has ever been, and frankly, I didn't think she had it in her.
I am still sure the worst is yet to come in terms of confession from her but I am ready for that, I think. As I said before, I DON'T need to hear her say it was a PA. I KNOW it was a PA just from the way she's acted. I would be totally shocked if she somehow still tried to deny it. The fact that in all of this, over the past few days, she has not once said it was ONLY an EA tells me volumes about what she is NOT telling me. I tried to convey the fact that I understood what she was NOT saying by forgiving her for "whatever" happened and I think she got the point. That said, I am still bracing for the next thing.
I hope there is a real progression going on here. I know there is a real possibility that she falters but I am recognizing something that I guess puts some people off but I consider a plus. My W is back because she realized that she was doing something she didn't really want to do a long time ago and tried to scale it back/end it. When she started to do that, the guy showed his true colors and turned into a real [censored]. THEN she really started to recognize MY changes and look back towards me. Finally she is back to a place where she can view our M in a positive light. What I am suggesting is that I did BEGIN to win by default. I WAS the second choice for awhile, but I am not bothered by that because now I am the CLEAR first choice.
I think that is important because my W came back of her own volition and through no coercion from me. Still, right now, if she wanted to go, then she could go. I only want her here if she wants to be, and looking at how things happened, how I have changed, and what she is saying/doing, she wants to be here and has reason to believe we will be much stronger from this point on.
My eyes are open, my heart is still guarded but I am deciding to make sure I am open to my W and give to her the same communication/action that I want from her. IF this is truly the turning point then the REAL work begins now.
I will probably stick around this board for now until the OM stuff is more final, then maybe move to piecing. Like I said before, this board needs some good news every once in awhile. I HOPE to be able to provide some now and then.
