Thank you so much for this thread. Understandably, most regular posters are in the early/replay stages of all this mlc upheaval. That is when we are at our most hurt, bewildered and scared.
I have been posting here for a LONG time now, and seen very little change in my xh in terms of him seeming to move out of replay, until the last few days.
Although for the first year after the bomb, I saw a lot of him and saw for myself how he swung from euphoria to depression to crying to huge anxiety attacks. In a way, I was grateful for that because from the day of the bomb, it was obvious there was something wrong with his mental health, I just didn't know what it was for a while. Thank goodness for the internet.
It seems that he has reached a new phase after 3 years of replay, since he told me on the phone this week that he has been feeling depressed for a few weeks - a pretty big admission.
I need to go back and read about your recent incident with your h because I suspect that you did what I felt like doing, that is respond to him with love, compassion and understanding - but at a rate which perhaps scared him off a bit.
I hope I managed to keep myself in check - but then I am an old hand at this! I was sympathetic and after a couple of days I sent a text saying I hoped he was feeling a bit better etc. Now I shall leave the next contact to him.
But it goes against the grain doesn't it? Because we are caring people and our instinct is to want to help, especially because we love them so much. I have had to talk to myself severely over this one.
And I had been dimmer this last few weeks, which may actually have helped propel him forward a bit I think, or maybe it was just time. I am going to stay a bit dimmer - which is a real struggle for me given he is openly and apparently continuously, depressed right now.
But I know I have to leave contact up to him, although I will send the oodd text if there has been a gap of a few days. I still need to let him come to me - this is the mantra!
Throughout the last 3 years, I have found texting to be a great way of maintaining contact which is less pressured. Have you tried this?
Hugs Jaybeexxxx
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
I use my text feature but H. never really did and we have never used it as a means to communicate. He may be more into it now that he has been seeing other people (who probably use it often) but it's not our means to get in touch. I am really glad this thread is helpful to you.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:17-21
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
FWIW Just adding a little more info on my W's Withdrawal. My W has disappeared for the Easter weekend. I've talked with both of my S's in the last few days and neither knows for sure where she is. This is the first time ever, that I know of, that my W has not spent Easter with her family. Holiday family get-togethers have always been very special to her. A year ago she had my S's, their SO's and me over to her apartment for Easter dinner. Late last year she had some very choice comments about our family potentially not spending Christmas together. I guess her views have changed since then.
Talking with my S's this week, I get the impression that they have pretty much thrown their hands up at this point and have given up on my W and I every being together again. They are both frustrated and as bewildered as I am. The longer this goes on, the more lost and confused my W seems and the more tragic this all seems. My S's did both take her out for dinner to celebrate her birthday recently. I sent her a birthday card but this was the first one that I did not make. It's hard to find nice generic cards that say something and say nothing at the same time.
Wonder of wonders. My W came over to look for some things in the attic. She stayed for a little while and we had some lunch together. I asked her if she wanted to come tomorrow to have Easter dinner with me and one of my S's. She didn't commit but said that she would think about it. With the hour that we spent together, I have now doubled the time that I've spent with my W this year.
I don't know if PB (PeaBrain, my husband's MLC personality) is further into withdrawal for the past while, or if he's leaning on those new friends really hard, or what, but he's quit contacting the last person I know that he was contacting.
No contact at all. To someone that he thought would understand, since PB is acting about 16, and nephew is only 17! It's amazing the things I find out at family dinners.
Does this imply that the withdrawal stuff is ongoing, or is this just part of replay? PB was in contact with nephew for months after the bomb, so it doesn't seem reasonable for replay. Of course, I have no idea.
I'm so glad that others are journaling here. I have zero knowledge to contribute to this thread as I know little about withdrawal, but I opened it for a place to talk about this next stage. I hope others will drop in and provide more info. for us. FO, closing off the contact seems a sign to me!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I HOPE it's a sign, but a sign of what? Deeper into replay? New girlfriend? New friends?
Or is it actually a good sign? I have no idea. Unfortunately (or fortunately ) we don't have a way to see inside PB's skull to wander around in the mush and figure out what's going on.
Someone someday has to invent a crystal ball. Please?
The funny thing about this withdrawal stage is that in 'conventional' terms, that is off this bb and when talking to anyone else about separation and marriage, one would think that withdrawal is NOT a good sign. Here you may have had a separated spouse who was contacting you on a regular basis, showed signs of attachment etc, and then he/she disappears. That does not seem good. Yet in MLC language it is part of the journey and may be just what they need to do in order to come back. What are we to believe?
Unless this happens quickly, and is over before we are quite done analyzing what is going on (nice thought/not likely) then in my experience, the only thing that we can do is to go on as if they actually are not coming back. That is to concentrate on ourselves and not them. In withdrawal, there is less analysis to do b/c they are just gone leaving fewer clues to sift through. In some ways it is easier for us to learn about detaching under the circumstances. And this concentration on ourselves is not selfish, not leaving responsibilites behind, but is saving ourselves and rebuilding out shattered lives. It is healing from craziness. So once again, their MLC journey causes us to have to react, and each stage I guess has its own reaction. Whatever they are doing in withdrawal - w/ op or sitting in a cave - this is time for us. xxx Amy
) we don't have a way to see inside PB's skull to wander around in the mush and figure out what's going on.