Hope, Believe it or not, all of you are dealing w/the withdrawal stage at this very minute. Your spouses are dealing w/replay/depression and withdrawal. Withdrawal is a part of the depression stage. They can exhibit all three stages at one time and never blink an eye. It is not a separate stage like denial. It's a blend of all three going on at the same time.
For example, your h is being very quiet, doesn't want to be your friend right now and isn't calling you or stopping by--that's considered a withdrawal. Withdrawal doesn't necessarily mean he's going to hide in a closet somewhere and come out 6 months from now. Withdrawal is when they "distance" themselves from things that were near and dear to them pre-mlc. It's technically nothing to worry about. They become so self-absorbed into their own little world and they don't want people judging them for who they were. They want to be accepted for who they are right now. You'll have pockets of sanity every now and then when the depression lifts a bit and he will contact you then. As long as the depression is bearing down on him, you may not hear from him as often as you think you should. He needs the time to work through whatever has been bugging him from the past. Remember, depression is about issues from the past and anxiety is about issues in the future.
As for his medical situation, he will talk to you when he's ready. He may have just wanted to give you a hint that something was wrong to see if you still cared. I know you do, but they don't think like we do when in crisis. A lot of them will tell their spouses tidbits and then disappear for a while. It'll drive you crazy if you allow it.
What your h is doing right now is very much par for the course for mlcers. You see, you got too close and tried too hard to be his friend. He wasn't ready for that type of friendship right now. To him, you are a "distant/far off" friend. Someone he will want to talk to later on and not feel he has to make you back off to give him his space. You may not realize it, but to him you were possibly coming across as pushy and like I said before, he wasn't ready for that. Hope, he knows you are there and will be willing to help him. He will contact you when he's ready.
Please do not call him again. He's got to have time to work through his issues w/o interruption. The ow isn't the reason he's not contacting you. The reason is depression nothing more. I promise you, he will contact you again when he has a pocket of sanity and he's able to come up for a bit from the depression.
It's very frustrating dealing w/them in a crisis, but once you can recognize what is happening, you can learn to step back and wait for him to come to you. It's the only way that he will make an appearance. He needs to feel that he's in control of his life and he needs to feel like he can decide if and when he'll contact you again. In this type of crisis, we all have to learn to allow them to lead and we have to follow. It's the only way you can deal w/them.
BTW, my xh was in withdrawal from everything for about 2-2 1/2 years. He's now emailing and chatting up a storm. I'm sitting back and letting him prattle on about his life, work and what he's looking forward to in his future. When he was in withdrawal, he distanced himself from his family, friends, me and my family. Now, he's visited his family and he's asking about my family and has even gone a couple of steps further and asked about me, my health and my retirement plans. It takes a long time for them to work through those three stages, but it's worth it in the end to just let them go and heal by themselves.
Enjoy your evening.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
