I saw Counselor today and she reaffirmed to me that W really does want the marriage to work. Her opinion is that I'm going through the 'drag me down blues' because I'm through the 'big battles' and during it all I didn't get to really feel or deal with where I was regarding W's actions - I hade to take care of everybody. And she reaffirmed to me that I beaqt the odds - that the vast majority of men would not have gone through this and emerged out the other side as well as I did. Her exact words were "You manifested this, no one else did. Not W, not anybody."
So this is where I am really at - the letting it go part. Counselor said I need to stop thinking of the affair as if W was a serial cheater and had been for years.
Instead, she said, I need to see it as just one event in W's life - one that got her to get past a very difficult roadblock in her own growth and development. She had to get past the 'not wanting to upset the man in her life because she might lose his approval or protection' to where she is now, more confident and independent and knowing that she can and will be all right regardless of what she may say to me or to anyone for that matter. No longer feeling like her voice doesn't count.
My frame of reference regarding her of course is still rooted in the past - and the hurts. I see her as someone to be 'taken care of' instead of someone who can take care of themself. Someone who will run when she's scared instead of standing.
And I said to C that I really wanted to 'get even' with OM. And that there are times when I think of her 'in love' with him and I don't want to be near her. C said to me "Why do you give so much power to a person who you recognize as being someone who is only manifesting darkness in his life? Why do you want to draw that kind of energy towards you?"
She's right of course. The OM / OW is someone we need to remove from our history, from our thoughts. THEY are nothing but negativity and we need them out of our MINDS. We have to let it go.
Counselor said in her session with W last week that W saw that I was in a 'down' state and was wondering how she could help. But the real question was 'Would I LET her?'
I'm so used to taking care of myself, and taking care of others that I have no concept that anyone could possibly take care of ME. And no expectation of it. Counselor says that I also do not see W as an equal, and that we have to be equal at SOMETHING. Otherwise how can we be partners?
There's still a lot to consider, and I have restored my faith in MYSELF again.
I have to stop witholding emotions from W because she is in the place where she is ready to really be loved.
It's funny, Counselor says that she spends a lot of time reassuring me that W isn't going to quit and run away, and a lot of time reassuring W that I'm not going to go into a depression and drink all the time again.
So, we both have our fears about the other one. Once we get past that life will be so much better. I guess if I wasn't so thick headed I'd realize that I am W's first choice, not the 'consolation prize'.
