In case I have failed to mention it, I am really, really happy for you. Things seem to be moving in the right direction. You have fought the good fight up to this point. Stay strong. Carry on. You are a good person. A special person. You deserve to be happy.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Things are getting better every day. Slowly but surely.
I still have trust issues and no problem telling W when she says somthing that pushes one of my 'affair triggers'.
We were out at a school function for D10 the other day and while we were standing around the school with other parents she kissed me on the cheek. The first thing I thought was 'someone will see us! Our cover is blown!' because a month ago we were 'secretly' reconciling. Pretty funny that I was thinking that, and she doesn't care what anyone sees now.
This past fathers day weekend she planned a 'surprise' overnite trip with the kids to take me somewhere.
So, we went to The Kern river and did some river rafting. I was really moved that she had planned this, gotten a tour company reservation for all of us and of course a place to stay. WHen we were alone I was telling her how much I liked the adventure and that was what our life used to be like 'forever ago' and I hated that I've missed so much.
She said she was really glad that she had FINALLY figured out what gift to give me - the man who is impossible to but a gift for. (I am tough to give gifts to, whatever I want, I buy it myself. So when she says 'what to you want for your birthday or something I can't tell her, I already have what I want)
The trip did start out a little stressful because in the business I am in I have to have cell phone or internet access available within an hour OR I have to arrange for someone else to be 'on call' for emergencies. Well she didn't tell me where we were going and she knows I need this. When we got to the hotel it had no cell coverage, no internet access and none for miles. And without a calling card you couldn't make a long distance call.
So I stressed out till I figured out a way to contact one of my business partners and let him know I was 'off network' for 24 hours and would he please cover any issues for me. W felt pretty bad when she realized the situation but I told her it was really my fault for not getting someone to cover for me since I had no idea where she was taking me.
After that the rest of our trip was really fun.
Overall, we're on the right track. We keep working on making 'new memories' and she no longer holds stuff inside her but tells me when she has any issues, whether they have to do with me or anyone else. This is a big difference from the way she used to be. And I don't try as hard to 'soften' my expressing of my issues with her but am more direct and honest. So we have a much more 'adult' relationship than we ever had before, instead of me always protecting her feelings, and her never being able to really express her (bad) feelings.
And I think I mentioned this in a previous post, my counselor has been very good at 'educating' me more about the kinds of things 'trauma victims' like W will say and do because they get stuck in the old 'unsafe' mental place and what to say and do to help her see it. It helps a lot that we're both getting saner every day.
Still, there are lot's of hurdles. Today I mentioned that the minivan was really in need of a cleaning and W said 'why don't YOU go get it cleaned? You did it to suprise me before (meaning 'when I was chasing OM') but you haven't done it since I've been back.
Big error. I just looked at her a moment and she gave me a 'oh no' look and I said "You really hurt me with that."
She knew it was inappropriate but didn't say anything, just froze. So I left and went for a walk and she went to her office. Later we had a talk about this. I wanted to tell her "back THEN I was trying anything to help you see you were loved and to stop you from going to see OM and look what it got me" but I didn't.
SHe admitted she shouldn't have said what she did, but then explained that she thinks I have been less attentive, and that I used to always make sure I put D10 to bed every night and I spent much more time with D15 and so on.
I said to her "Yeah, I did a lot because I had to be there for them and for anyone in this house whenever they had a breakdown and I'm just tired. Nobody has been there for me and I need a break. Ask Counselor and she'll tell you I'm pretty used up after all I've had to carry in this house".
W said she recognized that I was there for everyone and that she just was afraid I was distancing like I used to. She said she'd like to be supportive of me and where I'm at right now.
That's a tough one. I've always taken care of myself, and those around me so I am not very good at letting someone take care of me - even a little bit. Maybe that's a new lesson for me to learn.
And I told her I was still having difficulty trusting that she wouldn't bail again or even if she was really committed. She took a moment and told me that she was sure she was where she wanted to be and wasn't going anywhere.
Like so many of us LBS, my financial side of life has been pretty strained because of all the energy and focus on the issues we've lived through. I'm picking that up now and explained to W that I'm in a pretty tough place right now so I need a lot of space to get things done. I think she understands that this wasn't a free ride - I carried it all and now I have to fix up my relationships with all my businesses.
The really good part is that I'm at about 80% - 90% of being my 'old self' and I see a lot of opportunities around me that I can explore. Maybe this is the year I'll finally become a millionaire. I keep getting close but I have yet to make it.
I look at my old posts sometimes and they open the wounds and I feel the pain again. But by reading them I see how far I've come and how much of fight I put up. Boy am I tired.
But, as Shark and some others said the other day 'continue to fight the good fight'.
I heard this on Dr. Laura's radio show the other day (I don't really like Dr. Laura a whole lot but sometimes she get's interesting callers). It was a letter from a woman whose family had a party with a bunch of other friends and she was noticing how she and her husband were the only ones having fun with their kids - that most of the other adults were divorced and they didn't dance or play around with their kids at the party. She said that her older daughter noticed that and said "Mom, thanks for working hard to keep your marriage to Dad from ending - for our sake".
The other day W came home all emotional and needed to be hugged. She thanked me for 'not giving up on her' and seems very grateful that I didn't let everything she did destroy us.
Last night she came home late from taking the kids to a party and called me to tell me she was running late. I was at the grocery store looking for comfort food (ice cream!) because I had a stressful day.
When she got home about 45 minutes later I was home but didn't hear her come in since I was in my office. She eventually came in to ask me why I didn't come out to greet her 'because you always do when I come home' and I said I didn't realize she was home. Then she starts crying and tells me that after she called me when I was at the grocery store, she was thinking that it was later in the evening, and I might be buying things to drink like I used to, and she'd come home and I'd be all drunk and what would she do!?
There wasn't much to say except that I was looking for sweets to get a sugar rush. She went on to say that she just couldn't 'go through that again'. I try to point out to her that I DO NOT want to 'go through that' either. Why would I want to repeat a time in my life when I was depressed, hopeless and lost faith in myself? Oh, that would be a real party now wouldn't it!?
She felt better and I realized how much farther she has to go - and how important it is that she can feel safe with me - part of her childhood trauma issues.
A couple days ago I was talking to her Dad abuot some business I am doing for him and geting PAID for it. Anyway, he mentioned to me that no matter what he'd always treat me like family even though W was leaving me and all that...
We haven't told anybody in the family (not that they would really need to know) about the past couple months of working on the marriage. So I told him the bare minimum since I think W needs to talk to him about the deeper childhood issues on her own when she feels it is something she wants to address.
He told me he was glad that it was working for us, but felt he had to let me know that as far as he was concerned what she did (the affair) 'wronged' me. I told him he was right of course, it did wrong me. And I'm not going to just forget it but I can put it behind me.
I don't know why he has to be like this but his first W (My W's mom) dumped him for another man when W was 17. He has never forgiven her.
Back in november when I told him I was going to 'stand' and work through this process with her because I knew the affair was going to end at some point because it was a fantasy - he said to me "Well Frank, you're a much better man than I am because I'd kick her out if I were you"
I saw Counselor today and she reaffirmed to me that W really does want the marriage to work. Her opinion is that I'm going through the 'drag me down blues' because I'm through the 'big battles' and during it all I didn't get to really feel or deal with where I was regarding W's actions - I hade to take care of everybody. And she reaffirmed to me that I beaqt the odds - that the vast majority of men would not have gone through this and emerged out the other side as well as I did. Her exact words were "You manifested this, no one else did. Not W, not anybody."
So this is where I am really at - the letting it go part. Counselor said I need to stop thinking of the affair as if W was a serial cheater and had been for years.
Instead, she said, I need to see it as just one event in W's life - one that got her to get past a very difficult roadblock in her own growth and development. She had to get past the 'not wanting to upset the man in her life because she might lose his approval or protection' to where she is now, more confident and independent and knowing that she can and will be all right regardless of what she may say to me or to anyone for that matter. No longer feeling like her voice doesn't count.
My frame of reference regarding her of course is still rooted in the past - and the hurts. I see her as someone to be 'taken care of' instead of someone who can take care of themself. Someone who will run when she's scared instead of standing.
And I said to C that I really wanted to 'get even' with OM. And that there are times when I think of her 'in love' with him and I don't want to be near her. C said to me "Why do you give so much power to a person who you recognize as being someone who is only manifesting darkness in his life? Why do you want to draw that kind of energy towards you?"
She's right of course. The OM / OW is someone we need to remove from our history, from our thoughts. THEY are nothing but negativity and we need them out of our MINDS. We have to let it go.
Counselor said in her session with W last week that W saw that I was in a 'down' state and was wondering how she could help. But the real question was 'Would I LET her?'
I'm so used to taking care of myself, and taking care of others that I have no concept that anyone could possibly take care of ME. And no expectation of it. Counselor says that I also do not see W as an equal, and that we have to be equal at SOMETHING. Otherwise how can we be partners?
There's still a lot to consider, and I have restored my faith in MYSELF again.
I have to stop witholding emotions from W because she is in the place where she is ready to really be loved.
It's funny, Counselor says that she spends a lot of time reassuring me that W isn't going to quit and run away, and a lot of time reassuring W that I'm not going to go into a depression and drink all the time again.
So, we both have our fears about the other one. Once we get past that life will be so much better. I guess if I wasn't so thick headed I'd realize that I am W's first choice, not the 'consolation prize'.
