Things are getting better every day. Slowly but surely.
I still have trust issues and no problem telling W when she says somthing that pushes one of my 'affair triggers'.
We were out at a school function for D10 the other day and while we were standing around the school with other parents she kissed me on the cheek. The first thing I thought was 'someone will see us! Our cover is blown!' because a month ago we were 'secretly' reconciling. Pretty funny that I was thinking that, and she doesn't care what anyone sees now.
This past fathers day weekend she planned a 'surprise' overnite trip with the kids to take me somewhere.
So, we went to The Kern river and did some river rafting. I was really moved that she had planned this, gotten a tour company reservation for all of us and of course a place to stay. WHen we were alone I was telling her how much I liked the adventure and that was what our life used to be like 'forever ago' and I hated that I've missed so much.
She said she was really glad that she had FINALLY figured out what gift to give me - the man who is impossible to but a gift for. (I am tough to give gifts to, whatever I want, I buy it myself. So when she says 'what to you want for your birthday or something I can't tell her, I already have what I want)
The trip did start out a little stressful because in the business I am in I have to have cell phone or internet access available within an hour OR I have to arrange for someone else to be 'on call' for emergencies. Well she didn't tell me where we were going and she knows I need this. When we got to the hotel it had no cell coverage, no internet access and none for miles. And without a calling card you couldn't make a long distance call.
So I stressed out till I figured out a way to contact one of my business partners and let him know I was 'off network' for 24 hours and would he please cover any issues for me. W felt pretty bad when she realized the situation but I told her it was really my fault for not getting someone to cover for me since I had no idea where she was taking me.
After that the rest of our trip was really fun.
Overall, we're on the right track. We keep working on making 'new memories' and she no longer holds stuff inside her but tells me when she has any issues, whether they have to do with me or anyone else. This is a big difference from the way she used to be. And I don't try as hard to 'soften' my expressing of my issues with her but am more direct and honest. So we have a much more 'adult' relationship than we ever had before, instead of me always protecting her feelings, and her never being able to really express her (bad) feelings.
And I think I mentioned this in a previous post, my counselor has been very good at 'educating' me more about the kinds of things 'trauma victims' like W will say and do because they get stuck in the old 'unsafe' mental place and what to say and do to help her see it. It helps a lot that we're both getting saner every day.
Still, there are lot's of hurdles. Today I mentioned that the minivan was really in need of a cleaning and W said 'why don't YOU go get it cleaned? You did it to suprise me before (meaning 'when I was chasing OM') but you haven't done it since I've been back.
Big error. I just looked at her a moment and she gave me a 'oh no' look and I said "You really hurt me with that."
She knew it was inappropriate but didn't say anything, just froze. So I left and went for a walk and she went to her office. Later we had a talk about this. I wanted to tell her "back THEN I was trying anything to help you see you were loved and to stop you from going to see OM and look what it got me" but I didn't.
SHe admitted she shouldn't have said what she did, but then explained that she thinks I have been less attentive, and that I used to always make sure I put D10 to bed every night and I spent much more time with D15 and so on.
I said to her "Yeah, I did a lot because I had to be there for them and for anyone in this house whenever they had a breakdown and I'm just tired. Nobody has been there for me and I need a break. Ask Counselor and she'll tell you I'm pretty used up after all I've had to carry in this house".
W said she recognized that I was there for everyone and that she just was afraid I was distancing like I used to. She said she'd like to be supportive of me and where I'm at right now.
That's a tough one. I've always taken care of myself, and those around me so I am not very good at letting someone take care of me - even a little bit. Maybe that's a new lesson for me to learn.
And I told her I was still having difficulty trusting that she wouldn't bail again or even if she was really committed. She took a moment and told me that she was sure she was where she wanted to be and wasn't going anywhere.
Like so many of us LBS, my financial side of life has been pretty strained because of all the energy and focus on the issues we've lived through. I'm picking that up now and explained to W that I'm in a pretty tough place right now so I need a lot of space to get things done. I think she understands that this wasn't a free ride - I carried it all and now I have to fix up my relationships with all my businesses.
The really good part is that I'm at about 80% - 90% of being my 'old self' and I see a lot of opportunities around me that I can explore. Maybe this is the year I'll finally become a millionaire. I keep getting close but I have yet to make it.
I look at my old posts sometimes and they open the wounds and I feel the pain again. But by reading them I see how far I've come and how much of fight I put up. Boy am I tired.
But, as Shark and some others said the other day 'continue to fight the good fight'.
I heard this on Dr. Laura's radio show the other day (I don't really like Dr. Laura a whole lot but sometimes she get's interesting callers). It was a letter from a woman whose family had a party with a bunch of other friends and she was noticing how she and her husband were the only ones having fun with their kids - that most of the other adults were divorced and they didn't dance or play around with their kids at the party. She said that her older daughter noticed that and said "Mom, thanks for working hard to keep your marriage to Dad from ending - for our sake".
