Great idea to have a thread about the healing of the LBS. I agree, w/o this healing there will always be a danger to the new R and the 'success'. But how can that be achieved w/o ruining what was worked for so hard????????????
That's the real question. I'm slowly starting to see that it's achieved by not looking back, but instead looking ahead, starting anew.
Quote: always_14:
You're right. You've got the golden ring, that's wonderful. But, slowly, with each interaction and conversations like yesterday you will rebuild and work toward a healthy M and a loving one, a passionate one. We can't get those feelings back again until we move a little further from the pain, and a little more toward good memories/times.
You still have this last step. Working on the issues of the M, facing what YOUR issues with W in the M were (you have been denying that), and getting her to face it and work with you. You both have to work through the anger/pain. together.
Moving away from the pain is exactly how to look at it. I saw my Counselor today and told her all these feeling I have been dealing with. She pointed out to me that W is really trying - and that because she has decided to actually be present as an adult, not as the 'teenager' she has been acting as for the past 15 years, that I need to look at this as a blessing. And as a blessing it is a chance to build a brand new life, with a truly different person.
She suggests that the LBS must be able to let the hurt go, to forgive for the affair or whatever the WAS did that hurt them. It can't be undone, and the WAS is not able to feel the 'guilt' because they were lost in their own world when they did it. They simply cannot comprehend what WE went through.
So, her advice is to realize W is trying to make HER marriage work too. That I, as the LBS, need to let go of the fear of letting myself be vulnerable again, the fear that she will 'do this again'. Even though it seems like I should be getting an apology, she should be on her knees begging me for forgiveness, it's not there. And it's not going to happen. Because it's not what this is all about. IT WASN'T ABOUT ME. IT WAS ABOUT HER.
She can't ever understand the hurt she caused, or how much I supported her when she was messed up because she didn't live my life. Because she didn't set out to hurt me.
Counselor said that during the affair I survived and was able to engineer the possibility of success because I stayed in my logcal mind more than I did in my emotional mind. I saw a problem, I found the solution. Now that I don't have to 'fight' any more my emotional self is rearing its head and demanding it be comforted, satisfied, appeased. The little boy that was hurt and finally wants to be comforted. That's the wrong thing to do.
So, the healing can be achieved only within ourselves, by ourselves. Let it go, forgive. That's what we have to do. Look at every new day as a blessing, and a new chance. Make new memories. Otherwise we have the danger of witholding ourselves from the other person - waiting for them to 'prove themselves' to us. And ruining what we have worked so hard to achieve.
Quote: grasshopper:
Frank, I don't have that openness in my marriage yet and since I never really did before, and certainly didn't during the height of the affair/DBing, it's really hard for me to establish. I think you can and will establish the kind of open, intimate connection that you need to heal. I believe that because I think you never stopped having that connection, it just pushed WAY into the background. I think that's what we all saw and believed about you.
I think you establish the openness by setting the example with her when talking about yourself, your perceptions, your feelings. Being vulnerable. And knowing when to say something, and when to listen.
I'm lucky that I have always been good at knowing what to say in any given emotional situation, no matter how volatile it has become.
I talked to my counselor about that and the fact that I have always had a belief that, no matter what happens in my life, I will always be ok. She says it a result of my faith in myself, that I believe I can take care of myself. The problem is that my whole life I have always been alone. Yes, I have friends, and I used to always surround myself with people. But inside I am always alone. That's what Counselor explained to W last week - that during the past several years of my depression I truly believed that there was nobody in the world who would come to my aid. Not even her. And I lost faith in myself so even I couldn't help me.
So for me the challenge is to accept my W as a PARTNER. Until now we've lived in roles where I am the only one who can keep it real, and she is the emotional dependent. I'm always alone, she's always needing my support. Now we are on an even playing field. There is a balance that has never been there before. She speaks, she tells me when she doesn't like something, she tells me when she needs something. She has her voice now.
When the WAS's return, they truly are changed. Some more than others, but they are changed. OUr natural tendency is to try to 'go back to the way it was' - but with fixed up attitudes and a vow to 'never do the bad things again'. But it's not that simple. There's so much we have to do besides 'recommit'. This is a long, long journey.
