Frank, though I'm at a really odd place right now, I feel exactly what you're saying. As the LBS, we have suppressed feelings of our M and our marital issues (pre-bomb) that we suppressed or learned to look at as 'unreal.'
Recently, when my H came clean about the A, stopped it, etc, I exploded. It was short and I recovered quickly, but I had a LOT pent up inside. I still do have a lot of pain, a lot of healing. It's tough.
My best advice is to work with your family and your counselor to find ways to express that pain/anger. My H is doign that now for all the things in our M, and you know, I'm happy for him. Regardless of how things turn out, it's only good to get that out. Anger cannot be appeased, mollified or forgotten. I felt so great getting out my feelings, and so did H.
I see the your anger, and even W's anger from M, as one final step to all of this. Even W didn't express her anger/pain in M in a true way....she simply got lost and ran away to the A/OM. That's what my H did. ALl these months, we've been focused on the mess we recently created, not the messy issues of our M and the pain we caused then.
You're right. You've got the golden ring, that's wonderful. But, slowly, with each interaction and conversations like yesterday you will rebuild and work toward a healthy M and a loving one, a passionate one. We can't get those feelings back again until we move a little further from the pain, and a little more toward good memories/times.
You still have this last step. Working on the issues of the M, facing what YOUR issues with W in the M were (you have been denying that), and getting her to face it and work with you. You both have to work through the anger/pain. together.
Then, you will find peace. One step at a time, you've come so far.
