I had a counseling session yesterday. The basic overview is this:
I am having a hard time 'being myself'. Partly because I'm so used to being very careful what I say or do and partly because I am having a real hard time 'trusting' that this piecing is for real - or is W just doing it so she can say she did, and 'earn her way out' of the marriage.
I also have a hard time not thinking of the affair, OM and related crap. I'm ambivalent as to whether or not I can be in a relationship with her after all the hurt I've been through.
Counselor has said that W didn't want to leave the marriage before the affair if she could have found a way to make it work. She just gave up believing it ever would work, which I can see as true because of things she said to me 6-9 months ago, before the affair. It was only the timing, and the fact that OM took advantage of her emotional vulnerability that caused it to happen. Even W sees that is true.
She believes W really does want the marriage to work, but she's buried or lost the feelings that we all associate with being 'in love' with someone. Not the 'intense' feelings but stuff as simple as missing me when I'm not around. She loves me, and says so sometimes, but I think she's also somewhat 'guarded' in her feelings.
And of course, the 'passionate' feelings she needs aren't there yet.
Counselor said that she's gotten W to understand that she shouldn't be expecting great changes quickly, that I have not really had a chance to heal and I am emotionally spent right now. That's helpful but not for long. C said to me "You've had 4 weeks to start this, you both have what you say you really want so celebrate your life, start living. If you don't you'll lose your marriage again.
She said that it's a matter of being afraid. Afraid to put myself out there to possibly get hurt again. But, she said, you can keep your guard up and help this all fail, and you'll only get hurt 'a little'. Or you can live life, be fun to be around so that someone would be crazy to leave you and risk being hurt a lot if it fails.
That's what is hard. Trusting and not 'trying to fix things' any more, but just being. I know that's what W is most annoyed by - me not being totally present all the time.
So, how do we get past those fears after they've hurt us so much. I can keep using 'my depression' as an excuse - up until W walks out the door for good. Or I can put it all behind me and start anew. But that is so hard. I still think about the bad things and I still cringe when I see her reading her e-mail.
