I haven't really said much for a little while. I think I'll post some 'facts' just for informational purposes.
W and I sleep in 'our' room all the time now. She still keeps her clothes and personal stuff downstairs. Showers downstairs. Sometimes we cuddle, sometimes we don't. About once a week we might have sex.
We talk about making changes to the house, taking trips to Disney World together and she has been making plans for the summer to visit her mom with the kids and seems to be acting as if she is going to keep working on things.
Had my 'interesting sex talk' meeting wirh counselor last week. IN a nutshell she told me al lthe things W likes and doesn't like that we have or haven't done. Example: W likes her hair stroked or brushed. She is most sensitive on the back of her neck. Sometimes she is just a 'nymph' and want's it now, other times she's a 'venus' and wants the whole romance thing.
Counselor also said that she went through a list of all the things in her life and asked her to rate them. The result is that W says she is happy/lucky to have me, her life, her kids, etc. etc. so she wants to get the marriage to work. She is very much focused on needing it to be 'complete', that the sexuality which suffered between us for so many years has to be what she wants, the 'whole package'.
I think I understand what she means, it's not anything weird, she's really saying she wants that blissful feeling sometimes when we are together. So do I.
The other day she saw counselor and later brought up th etopic of how she felt so undeserving, and how could I possibly want to be here with her after all she's done. I had asked Counselor to 'clue her in' to some of the things I had to do while she was in the fog of her affair. And how much it hurt to be forced to observe and be able to do nothing.
W did say that I was a very strong man to still be her. Counselot had told her that she had to make amends for her affair, and that she still hadn't even TOLD me it was over, she just assumed I knew this.
So W nervously talked about it, that it was over since february. I asked her if I ws ever going to have to worry about this person enterig our lives again for any reason. She said 'no, I was pretty final with him.' Then she went on to talk about what a "Sh*thead" he was, that she was so acting like a 17 year old and that she thought he would save her from her problems. Instead, she said, when she said she needed some space to work on some of her issues he got angry at her and treated her like crap. It was then that she realized what a mistake she had made. She even told me she thought he was still living off his girlfriend, that he couldn't support himself without her help and probably never told her anything about them.
I asked her if she still had any 'mementos' from her 'visit' and mentioned she had a little plastic rose I had seen at one time.
She kind of laughed and said, 'oh that, he probably got it a a 7-11 or something. And it didn't say anything romantic, it just said "I want you now!" - what a jerk'
Finally, I said "I really don't want to ask this question but I have to know. Do I have to worry that you 'caught anything'?" She was very quiet and said 'No, I used protection and when I saw thy Gynocologist I made sure I got checked'.
I said "I feel really bad that I even had to ask my WIFE that kind of question". She knows it hurts.
She was quiet for a moment and then talked a little more about us, and how hard it's going to be to fix things. I told her that when we had our argument several weeks ago that caused her to decide to try to make the marriage work, that I had given up on her then and was ready to move on with my life.
She said "yeah, it's funny how I always come back right when you're almost over me". Then she said "Please don't give up on me now, not yet". I told her I wasn't going to but to be aware that I have a lot of hurt to heal so it's going to take time. So we got some good closure there.
The past week has been full of roller coaster emotions. Sometimes she's loving, sometimes she's just present. I had a long talk with Counselor thursday and one of my issues is this "How do I know she is really coming back to ME, or is she just here because her number one choice failed, so I'm the runner up?" How do any of us know that they still love us, and that they aren't just 'falling back on what they know they can have, safety and stability?'
C said that she really believes that W loves me and that W really wants us to have a good working marriage with all the good things and none of the bad. She believes W is still wrestling with her trust issues, and she is feeling the guit still from the affair.
Yesterday W had the Girls scout troop here doing a big garage sale. I helped a lot and she got really worn out. She also had scheduled her monthly overnite to her friends house in antoher town to do her 4 massages that she does. This is the friend who was sort of instrumental in our breakup 6 years ago but since then has gotten to know me. But I assume she supported W when she said she was divorcing me and that she found her 'true love'.
She hasn't told her about any of our current situation, so this friend is going to be surpised (or, by now IS surprised) when W shows up with a new car that I obviously gave her, and W tells her we are back together and trying to make it work again.
When W left last nite to go there she said goodbye to me and said "thanks for being my support and confidant today with the girl scout sale" and I said "I'm always your confidant and support". She smiled and gave me a kiss. I walked her out to the car and we flirted a little and I gave her another kiss and she left.
She hasn't gotten home yet tonite, she won't be for another hour.
I had a little bit of anxiety - I always expect her 'friend' to get her to doubt that she can make this work with me, that she'd be happier if she started over with someone new. I don't hink her friend would mean any harm, she's probably thinking that we've tried before and it hasn't worked, so why keep trying.
Or, maybe her friend will just be happy for her and wish her luck. She's gotten to know me over the past year or so and she can see I'm a pretty nice guy.
Either way it makes me nervous. A lot can happen and W has always been easily influenced. But, W has been saying what COnselor told her "You have to live your life, not other people. What other people think about what you are doing doesn't matter. They aren't in your shoes."
