I haven't updated for over a week. I guess I've just been trying my best to stay level and keep everyone else stable.
After our ML about a week ago we hadn't gotten that close again, part of it I'm sure is because it was that time of the month for her. We spend evenings together watching tv and cuddling. Kisses go from 'pecks on the lips' to the rare but exciting 'semi passionate' kiss. We still sleep together and some nights we hold each other, others we maybe hold hands. We always talk a a little and it's pleasant. A couple nights I coulds have sworn she said 'I love you' when she said goodnight but it was kind of mumbled.
Over the past few years W has been lamenting about how our minivan gets poor gas mileage and that we should have a nice smaller car for day to day driving. She's had only minivans for the past 10 years.
She had also been talking about how nice it would be to have a hybrid car, so we could do our part for ecology and all that. So, last week I surprised hed and said "let's go look at Toyota Prius and maybe we can buy one". She was nervous but loved the car we looked at so I bought it for her. Of course, she said "it's for the family" and I agreed.
Just for perspective, this is a fully loaded Prius, all the computerized navigation systems, smart keys, high tech electric/gas engines. A very impressive piece of technology. And a $32,000 car.
So, for the next day or so I was her hero, you couldn't wipe the smile off her face. It isn't that her 'love language' is gifts because it isn't. And I wasn't trying to buy her love. This was something she had wanted for a long time and I felt she had deserved it because she has been such a good mom all these years.
So she's been very happy about that. The next few days were ok. She still goes back and forth in her kissing and hugging. Sometimes neutral, other times she is emotinally connected.
Saturday we went for a family dinner or something and she was openly flirting with me in front of the girls (D10 and D15). They haven't been 'told' anything because she still 'isn't sure'. BUt they see that she sleeps with me every night so they draw their own conclusions.
INterestingly, during a conversation between W and D15 last week W told me that D15 told her "You better not be leading Dad on mom". W was suprised that she would take sides with me, and want to be protective of ME from W. How interesting that W doesn't see that the kids still don't trust her emotionally.
Sunday was a weird day. She had told me in the morning that she was going to 'turn her room into a meditation room' since she wasn't sleeping there any more. I supoprted the idea and talked about some changes we have been wanting to do to 'our' bedroom. So I suggested we move the bookshelves into the 'meditation room' , buy a 'day bed' and other ideas which she liked too.
So we moved these things and in the middle she got kind of quiet, and said she was feeling uncomfortable because 'what if things do't work out?' and that she 'doesn't know what she want's still, and that she SHOULD know by now'.
Well, I just told her that if she felt she needed to back off she'd be able to go right back into 'her' room, and she'd at least have a nicer bed now!'
We spent a lot of time moving the bookshelves, and we found old photo albums of the kids and us that we hadn't seen in a while so that brought some smiles.
Part of the day she was doing this 'whine' I call the "you don't love me" whine. She would get pouty and say "you don't love me"and I would tell her I do, and 10 minutes later she would say it again. This is how she shows me some insecurity in her feelings and she's done this for years. I spoke about this to Counselor on tuesday and she said that maybe she is trying to see if I will still love her when she is needy and whiny, or will I get mad, drink, whatever. Of course I was supportive of her so perhaps I 'passed'.
A few hours later the kids all went to various friends houses for an hour and she 'invited' me to 'fool around' since we had a 'free hour'. And it was pretty 'passionate'.
The rest of Sunday was pleasant. Nothing special happened.
On monday we had a pretty normal day. I went to my office, she did her work. We cuddled and watched TV and when we went to bed 1/2 hour earlier than we normally do I read that as her inviting me to be intimate. However, when I made any move towards that she said "I just don't feel that way right now. I know I should but I don't".
All I said was that I understand, there's a lot to get past before we'll both feel safe and able to be vulnerable. We held hands for a while and then went to sleep.
Tuesday was 'normal'. I saw Counselor and told her some of the things weighing on me. Basically she said that it's clear that I am worn out from carrying all the burden and not being able to express my hurt, my anger, because that would drive her into her shell. She thinks W is testing me in all kinds of ways to see if she can really be safe with me, is there ANYTHING she could do that would trigger me to live 'the old way'. And, that W is going through the process of addressing the extreme hurt that she went through as a child so her emotions are all over the place. Also, the 'you don't love me' stuff she went through is possibly part of her finally feeling the guilt for what she did. Perhaps she is thinking 'how could frank love me after how I hurt him with the affair'.
We also talked about what WOULD be 'too much' for me and would cause ME to end the relationship. I told Counselor that if she ever had an affair again that would be the end. I can't go through that again. And I won't. With W, 'too much' would be me drinking again. I won't.
Counselor has a session with her tomorrow so that will help. Her goal is to get her back on track, working on the issues she has always run away from.
Today W was very emotional and I probed her to find out why. She told me she was upset because I have been so nice to her and she doesn't feel worthy. She doesn't deserve it. I got her a new car, a new cell phone and I have been very supportive of her. She said she has hurt me enough and that she's afraid she will hurt me again if things don't work out. She said that one of her issues has been that she didn't think she deserved 'more from life' all these years and now she "want's it all". The 'passion, the fun. And maybe we can't feel that way about each other any more. So it scares her.
I asked her if she loved me, and if she actually wanted it to work out between us and she said yes both times. But that she's still not 'feeling it'.
Well, after pressing her on the issue of us having to get past the hurt we caused each other, she admitted that having an affair to 'fix her life' was the worst idea she ever had and that she's "so f-cked up" that she didn't see how I could want her. SHe said I didn't have to stay with her.
I said she's right, I DON'T have to stay with her. I choose to. I asked her why she married me and she said "because I was in love with you". SO I said that I was too and that I remember how it felt. I know I can feel it again but not until we get past the hurt, and it will take time.
She started to cry and came over to me and I held her while she cried. SHe said she wanted so much more out of life, that it's too late to be screwing around, it's not like there is a lot of time to make more mistakes. I said I feel the same way. I want to get it RIGHT this time. And that if getting it right means finding out I can't get it right with her, then find that out and we sell the house, split everything and go our separate ways. But I think we can do it, make it work. She said she felt the same way, that she wanted for she and I to be happy no matter what, together or apart.
Afterwards she seemd like she felt so much better. I'm not sure if it's because she was 'relieved' of the burden of having to MAKE it work no matter what, or if it was because she could see that I truly loved her, and that I was still here by my own choice, not out of a feeling of obligation.
So, tonite and the next 3 nights we are babysitting some friends teenagers so she is staying the night at their house and bringing D10 along. We'll have to see if she misses sleeping with me. She doesn't like being alone in the house.
It's still very confusing. but I will be ok. And I think it's slowly improving. But it does slip from time to time.
