Well, we sit together and watch tv while cuddling. We sleep in the same bed. Sometimes we will kiss and she will kiss me back.
Today she told me that she wanted to have sex, but wasn't really sure or enthusiastic. As we talked she changed her mind and said that she doesn't feel that 'feeling' she should feel and maybe we'll just live together and be great friends but never have sex. She was very upset when she sadi this. She feels like she should have this 'passionate' feeling for me and I told her about the times we've 'started' to have some of these feelings and gave her some examples of when she was feeling a little of that 'electricity.'
I mentioned that counselor said that having sex builds intimacy and desire, that 'waiting for that electric feeling' isn't going to just happen.
I told her that we both are in the same place, we're hurt and slowly rebuilding trust and feelings. She agreed when I told her that there are a lot of good things about me, that she talked about last couples meeting, and that I have a lot of good feelings towards her and want this to work. She says when we cuddle and sit together at nite she feels very comfortable with me.
But, she says she needs that 'electricity' that isn't there for her to feel sexually attracted.
It's been barely a month since she decided to 'try' and she has expectations that it'll all change overnight or somehow I will create these feelings in her.
So, she went and sat by herself for a while, and I could see she was crying, probably because she want's to feel it and if she can't then she's either 'trapped' or has to break up the family so she can feel it somewhere else.
I feel crappy. It's like 2 steps forward, one step back. I don't have an answer for her. I can't make her feel those feelings and when she keeps that barrier there it isn't much I can do about it. Maybe she won't ever be 'in love' with me because too much damage has been done by us.
Yet she felt this 'attraction' a couple months ago when we were 'comforting' each other. But her explanation is that she was 'in a cloud' then so it wasn't real. And she wants 'real'.
I had a meeting with my Counselor yesterday and I talked about some of this, about how she just has so little feelings. Counselor warned me not to get resentfull and to stay patient. I've done that and to be truthful, I just don't think she's ever going to really love me again. Maybe she never did. I was just 'stability' when her life was unstable. ONe thing COunselor and I agreed on is that she is very lucky she married ME. Another man probably would have just left her a long time ago. At least the kind of men she was dating before she met me.
I know she would like it to work out that we fall 'in love' and live happily ever after but it just may be too late for her to feel it.
So, I am just very tired from hurting. I haven't cried in weeks and today I feel like it so I guess I have had enough of being with someone who is so unable to love me, but could love practically anyone else. Six months of beng thrashed by someone you're supposed to trust and who is supposed to take care of you when you are down but didn't, is taking its toll on me.
She's in a little better mood right now but I'm not. I'll continue to 'act as if' and at least know I've done my best. She's a quitter, and after the past weeks counseling she has a lot of emotional problems I can't do anything to help her with. Maybe it would be best to dissolve the marriage and household so she can go live her life and perhaps it will help her to heal. Staying with me doesn't seem to be helping.
